The votes are in, the polls are closed and a winner is waiting in the wings.
Actually, as I am reminded by the Association Of Lawyers For Senseless Yet Lucrative Litigation, “winner” is a misleading term, because it implies that certain parties are in some way superior to certain other parties, which will never do. The honorable members of AOLSYLL further remind me, on very expensive stationary, that deep down inside, in the most general way, we are all winners.
For instance, they would have you know:
- That all the people who entered the contest are winners.
- That all the people who voted in the contest are winners.
- That all the people who were entirely unaware of the contest because their entire attention was focused on plundering the assets of publicly held companies are also winners.
- And that even those disturbing people who routinely wear Highly Absorbent Undergarments so they need not rise from their couches to answer the gurgling call of nature, are winners as well in this, the great race of life.
Strangely, none of those last sort of winners received any votes in this contest.1
In fact, in the much more exclusive sense of People With Sufficient Cultural Sophistication To Participate In This Contest, most of those last type of people can be considered complete wastes of internet bandwidth.
Which brings us to the voting itself. The participation in which, is conveniently displayed on this map.
Each colorful, upside-down teardrop represents roughly one vote.
If your geographical region is not represented on this map, it is because you personally are a bad person, undeserving to partake in the fruits of democracy.2
Fruits watered with the blood of patriots, tyrants, and various indigenous peoples who had the misfortune of coming between them.
Furthermore, let me add that insufferable salience of-
We interrupt what promises to be a long and pompous tirade to present you with the following relevant and exciting information:
Youthful One is the winner of the Official Harold Toboggans Holiday Caption Contest.
“The alarming sympathy you’re displaying stems from the misperception you suffer from that I am in danger of physical harm. Obviously you are unaware of my world-renown, highly sophisticated, electro-magnetic, hyperstatic desensitization techniques. Therefore, we will start those immediately upon your next visit.”
As the winner, she will receive a highly glamorous and exciting lifestyle pretty much indistinguishable from the one she currently leads. She has also won an exclusive podcast of the doctor’s incoherent babblings as well as simply staggering amounts of glory and prestige.
Truly, this is a great day for her.
We now resume your regularly scheduled rant mercifully closer to its conclusion.
….And that, my fellow Americans is precisely why we cannot waver, or even point at, Un-American parade floats of terror and the foreign beauty queens ride upon them. As always, constipated vigilance is the price of Flea-marts. Thank you and good night.
This post is upholding democracy over at humor-blogs.com
- If any other the finalists are Depends-addicted slaves to gravity, please don’t tell me. I prefer the fantasy of hygiene. ↩
- Yes, I am aware that the map only represents North America. If you are not currently living in North America and you voted, I cannot tell you what happened to your votes. It is quite possible that they were intercepted by the NSA and may even now be incarcerated at Guantanamo Bay pending interrogation.
Besides, everyone knows that democracy is an American invention. If you are foolish enough to attempt it someplace where people drive on the wrong side of the road, I cannot be held responsible for the result. ↩