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I probably should have mentioned it before now, but the inspectors are almost upon us.

That’s right, the heat is on the way. Soon U.N. sanctioned, Guantanamo trained humor technicians will be pouring over this site, ensuring that every last joke and inference passes the most stringent government standards of legibility and humorosity.

Humor Inspector #8675309

In fact, they may already be among us at this very moment, marking and measuring and scribbling furiously on the their issued Hello Kitty™ notepads.1

In the face of this grave inspecting threat, we must pull together. What I need most from readers of this site is to just act normal. Normal of course, will be a new concept for some of you, but I am sure you can fake it for a few days, until the review squad collects their findings, and then we can all laugh about it together once they’re gone. In fact I’m laughing right now, although I’m not sure that nervous hysteria really counts for much in a situation like this.

Let me also say that I simply will not tolerate any dramatic, and conveniently timed declarations of love for this site. In no case do I want to read about how the sheer weight and depth of humor found at the Comma cured your acne, balanced your tires, or pulled you from the flaming wreckage of a saltwater aquarium crash.

These are serious people and we must respect their time and their intelligence. They won’t be fooled by insincere gestures or hollow praise.

Cue the deer.2

Normal of course, will be a new concept for some of you…

While you are here, please take a moment to look around and giggle excitedly about the recent changes and upgrades I have made to the structure of this site. I know that some people would say these refinements are all just a shallow attempt to impress the reviewers, but in fact they are a part of my long standing commitment to throwing random stuff together and milking it for all that it is worth.

As for those bitter people who impugn my motives, let me say that cynicism like that is exactly what’s wrong with the world today3 and if I receive a high review score from, I will use my enhanced powers and influence to gently guide and correct cynical individuals with the blunt instruments of unflinching irony and devastating humor until they repent of their evil and join all the shiny happy people, preferably here at the Ominous Comma.

Furthermore, if I am elected, I commit to freeing this country from the Jell-o dependence that has so long crippled our– Wait, wrong speech.

So even in the face of fearsome inspectors, we have nothing to fear except the irrational phobias instilled in us by our parents and the psychosis-enhancing efforts of our own Dr. Harold Toboggans to cure them.

Remember, only together can we surmount the challenges of life and emerge victorious with peace, integrity and really good reviews for the Ominous Comma. And when it comes down to it, what more could you ask for?

Thank you and good night.


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  1. They are of course, scribbling their lunch orders. These people didn’t get to where they are now by taking notes.
  2. If you don’t recognize this reference, then you don’t know Funny Farm and quite possibly you have lived your life in vain.
  3. Just after hunger, war, and a rising temperature.