As I come to the end of a decently long stretch of unemployment, I have had time to reflect on the many lessons this experience has taught me. Deep, reverberating life-lessons such as:
You can only enjoy so many long walks.
You can only digest so much chocolate
You can only watch so much Oprah1
In fact, the most surprising part of doing basically nothing, is how very boring it all is.
So although I am now returning to the glamorous world of coffee breaks and regular pay, I don’t want to move on without leaving something behind for those less fortunate than myself. Something to encourage, something to inspire, but most of all, something to separate the downtrodden masses from their freshly issued unemployment checks.
That is why I am introducing my latest entrepreneurial enterprise:
Employment Quest – Jobless Fun Center.
Unlike most entertainment complexes that are designed for children and their gainfully employed paternal money dispensers, Employment Quest will feature attractions geared more towards the career-deprived individual. Exciting diversions such as:
- Bumper Cards – In this attraction, a crowd of job-seekers is staged at one side of the room; at the other end is a wealthy business tycoon, offering a single dream job. Between them is an array of obstacles and impediments such as nets, cannons, and steroid-crazed professional wrestlers. The first one to reach the businessman is rewarded with employment and a waiting team of emergency medical technicians.
- Resume Range – Potential employees line up along a low counter and hurl their resumes toward a collection of various sized funnels on the far wall. The smaller funnels deliver resumes to attractive and generous corporate recruiters looking for the next Vice President of Champaign and Bubble-Bath Evaluation. Larger funnels lead to less desirable jobs such as Pepper Spray Test Subject and Elephant Proctologic Technician.
- Guess Your Wait – Veteran carnival workers visually size up employment-hunters and estimates how long each individual has been unemployed. Evaluations are based on subjective measurements of each player’s self-respect, desperation, and ramen noodle intake. No prizes are awarded, but those receiving an inaccurate guess, off by more than two days, are allowed to pummel the carnie with a rabid porcupine2
- Sweating Zoo – Job-seekers enter a small, humid, dimly lit room where corporate wolves, sharks, and other alpha types hit them with their most intimidating interview questions and an occasional frozen ham. Success is determined on the basis of overall perspiration levels and blood stains. Winner receives the satisfaction of survival, losers are relocated to a third world country, given jobs in fast food, and taught just enough of the local language to say, “Would you like locusts with that?”
The Employment Quest concept is definitely a winner3 and I am currently lining up investors to back this new venture with funding, advertising, and lots of executive brownies. So if you are a multinational corporate conglomerate and you have a few billion dollars set aside for unknown market domination, then this is the opportunity for you. Contact me at my new marketing organization, Ominous Business Tactics, and soon we could be reaping the rewards of widespread unemployment together.
- The legal limit for Brain Oprah Content is .067 minutes per day, anything above that is considered to be intellectually impaired. ↩
- The positive therapeutic effects of this attraction on unemployment stress levels are the subject of an article in this month’s edition of Psychological Trauma Today.
Note: We have immediate openings for three full-time wait guessers. See the OC HR department for further details. ↩
- The true, unbeatable beauty of this concept is that although unemployment levels rise and fall like any other market, a few “insider layoffs” by investor companies is all it would take to put Employment Quest back on the road to profitability in the case of any unfortunate surges of employment. ↩