Yesterday I finally did it. After weeks of spying, hacking, and ballistic-hypnosis I finally breached the hollowed portals of Doctor Harold Toboggans’s triple-reinforced ultramax-security Google account.
Once there, I wasted no time in composing an urgent warning to Comma fans everywhere about Doctor T’s ventures into the offline world.
About how he’s skulking across YouTube. About how he’s menacing MySpace. About how he’s completely unsupervised on Facebook.
Then I sent it to every person who has ever commented upon this blog. All 546 of them.
That’s when Google struck.
With lightning swiftness their net-ninjas revoked the doctor’s Gmail account for, of all things,…spamming.
Spamming?
Is the Emergency Broadcast System spamming when they override every broadcast signal in America to inform you that there is no emergency at the moment?
Is the president spamming when he interrupts critical reruns of the A-team to remind everyone that he hasn’t bankrupted the country yet?
Are random pharmaceutical marketers spamming when they fill your email with urgent offers for male enhancement products?
Okay, well those last guys are, but let’s not lose track of the point here: in the midst of an actual psychological crisis Google banned me for getting the word out.
As terrifying as it is, I can think of only one explanation.
Doctor Toboggans had finally infiltrated the Big G.
I always knew he had patients in high places but not that high.
(Sigh)
Don’t be surprised when you see a host of “new” Google services rolled out in the near future. Services like Google Rorschach, Google CreditSpy, and even Google Commentstone.
As hard as it is to believe, I might actually find myself rooting for Microsoft.
Eerie.
Update
Even as I deliver this second warning, I see that Doctor Toboggans has already renamed sizable portions of the internet after himself. Please help me keep track this late breaking menace before it’s too later than it already is. Please monitor the following networks:
Thank you, the sanity you save just might be your own.
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You? A spammer? How awful! I liked the video…watched them Sunday. Sorry about your banning.
I guess I’m lucky I was banished by Google entirely and incarcerated in the vaults of AltaVista.
Male enhancement products? Enhancing their male-ness, like helping them NOT ask for directions?
So you do remember that post.
Great Googley moogley!
The emails are coming! The emails are coming!
Ahem, perhaps a toast is in order…
“Here, here! Two cheers for Paul Revere, early american spammer!”
Sounds like just the thing to celebrate next Friday, which according to my calender is Patriot Day. I can’t imagine what else we would do, except profile each other and exchange wiretaps.
That sounds harsh. Are you sure you didn’t have anything that could be paraphrased to “Enhance Your Performance” in the header?
No, it was more like “Run For Your Life.” And “Harsh” is Toboggans’s middle name, I think. Either that of “Rutabaga.”
I heard that Gmail went down yesterday and had no idea that it was Dr. T. My gawd he is intelligent.
:) LOL
I love him!
Does he have a girlfriend? LOL
Me and some of the DangerCouch people are working on a video series for The Doctor and that is one of the questions to explore.
Interested?
You can get first look at these new episode as they appear by subscribing to the Doctor Toboggans video therapy channel.
Tell all your friends. Even if you have to make some just for the occasion.