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Yesterday I finally did it. After weeks of spying, hacking, and ballistic-hypnosis I finally breached the hollowed portals of Doctor Harold Toboggans’s triple-reinforced ultramax-security Google account.

Once there, I wasted no time in composing an urgent warning to Comma fans everywhere about Doctor T’s ventures into the offline world.

About how he’s skulking across YouTube. About how he’s menacing MySpace. About how he’s completely unsupervised on Facebook.

Then I sent it to every person who has ever commented upon this blog. All 546 of them.

That’s when Google struck.

With lightning swiftness their net-ninjas revoked the doctor’s Gmail account for, of all things,‚Ķspamming.

Spamming?

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Is the Emergency Broadcast System spamming when they override every broadcast signal in America to inform you that there is no emergency at the moment?

Is the president spamming when he interrupts critical reruns of the A-team to remind everyone that he hasn’t bankrupted the country yet?

Are random pharmaceutical marketers spamming when they fill your email with urgent offers for male enhancement products?

Okay, well those last guys are, but let’s not lose track of the point here: in the midst of an actual psychological crisis Google banned me for getting the word out.

As terrifying as it is, I can think of only one explanation.

Doctor Toboggans had finally infiltrated the Big G.

I always knew he had patients in high places but not that high.

(Sigh)

Don’t be surprised when you see a host of “new” Google services rolled out in the near future. Services like Google Rorschach, Google CreditSpy, and even Google Commentstone.

As hard as it is to believe, I might actually find myself rooting for Microsoft.

Eerie.

Update

Even as I deliver this second warning, I see that Doctor Toboggans has already renamed sizable portions of the internet after himself. Please help me keep track this late breaking menace¬† before it’s too later than it already is. Please monitor the following networks:

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Twitter

Thank you, the sanity you save just might be your own.