I woke with a start, my sleep shattered like a fortune cookie in a sledgehammer factory.

Wiping the crusts from my eyes, my mind filled with the usual questions:

How long had I been out?

Where did October go?

And worst of all…

Why were Doctor Toboggans‘ clothes strewn all over my house?

I wasn’t sure I wanted the answers.

….Unless of course I could somehow blame LOBO.

Good people of the internet, I bring you troubling news.

For two-and-a-half years I have taken it upon myself to contain Doctor Harold Toboggans and his hideous plague of smugness, vitriol, and sheer arrogance, using myself and this site like a human shield, or more appropriately, like a military grade petri dish.

But all bad things must come to an end eventually, and Doctor Toboggans has decided that The Ominous Comma is just not big enough for the both of us.

And his ego.

So he has created his own headquarters at drtoboggans.com, scorning all my efforts to assist him in design, aesthetics, or usability.

The results are not pretty.

It’s definitely not web 2.0.

I’m not sure it’s even web .0002.

It is, like everything else about him, painfully tacky.

I know you will want to rush out and see this new eyesore of the interwaves right away, but be careful, Toboggans is no one to be trifled with.

Even Google seems to be no match for our Doctor.

Witness how quickly he got his Google account reinstated after I had it banned on Gmail last week.

But if you simply must visit his new site, I think this Saturday would be a relatively safe time. I hear from reliable sources that he will be out and about in Memphis filming  interviews for his new video series.

Remember, now that he is out on his own, it will be more important that ever to help me keep an eye on Dr. Toboggans on the major social networks. Please befriend him here:

Twitter

And report back to me with any suspicious activities you observe.

Happy Friday-Eve

-Brent

Sometimes incredible just isn’t good enough.

Last May, when the revolutionary Zombies Anonymous program was introduced, it was met with rave reviews and hundreds of overjoyed customers.

But Doctor Harold Toboggans wasn’t satisfied.

He knew that there must be something more, something that he and the dedicated staff at Toboggans Industries could do to relieve those reanimated wretches from their undead suffering and unspent cash.

He thought deeply

He released directives and commissioned programs.

He reorganized the corporation, refinanced the lab, and refolded his socks.

And then, after nearly a full day of grueling research and untold minutes of clinical trials, Doctor Toboggans introduced Cerebitol AZ – the ultimate topical application anti-zombitory patch.

Cerebitol AZ – Anti Zombie Patch

Made from synthetic neurotransmitters and genuine cranial extracts, Cerebitol AZ offers unprecedented 12 hour freedom from the symptoms of zombieism.

With Cerebitol AZ you can:

• Control your craving for brains
• Cut down on between meal snacking
• Gain relief from the discomfort of Chronic Deceased Syndrome

Don’t believe it? We don’t blame you, but see for yourself as Doctor Toboggans demonstrates Cerebitol AZ on the undead citizens of Memphis.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Anti Zombie Patch

With the combined power of Cerebitol AZ and Zombies Anonymous, not to mention the limitless genius of  Doctor Harold Toboggans, you can at last leave your lurching lust for human tissue behind.

Only from Toboggans Industries – Life Improvement for the Success Deficient.

And it came to pass that when the storm of voting subsided, a winner emerged from the soggy ruins of digital democracy to claim his crown and the due honor that accompanied it.

And the people rejoiced, for they had secretly feared that the voting might continue unto their children and their children’s children and their children’s children’s children until all posterity cursed them for ever starting the thing in the first place.

And the beloved scribe came forth to announce the winner to the people that peopled that land and when he looked upon those people he took a long and thoughtful pause.

And the people began to plot together how they might stuff his head into a large bucket of gelatin dessert, but the scribe awoke before they could act and with haste announced the winner.

And he said to them:

“The winner is Wonderboy.”

And the people rejoiced again and ate the half-set gelatin and returned to their homes very pleased for Wonderboy.

The end

—

Congratulations Wonderboy, for your fine caption writing skill you shall be awarded your very own copy of DangerCouch and the Tinsel of Doom, a stunningly exciting DVD of happiness. Contact me to claim your prize.

Happy Saturday everyone

Welcome my friends to the second anniversary of that fine institution of questionable literary achievement; the icon of irony, the paragon of punctuation, and the winner of the Cadbury Award of Merit for most gratuitous uses of the word “of” in a sentence: The Ominous Comma.

I don’t mind telling you that this is an event of unparalleled achievement; never in that annals of internet history has there been such an continuous streak of unthrottled ridiculousity.¹

This is a day of such magnificent splendor that no possible event or discovery could ever diminish the glow of joy within my–

…and that is it is so absolutely crucial that you instantly apply what I just told you.

I wasn’t suppose to ever share the secrets of effortless financial security with anyone, and once the other illuminati discover that I’ve told you, they will be after my blood, but these are dark times and I can’t let my favorite readers suffer while I alone enjoy the benefits of unimagined wealth, now can I?

After all, you’d do the same for me. Right?

Don’t let anyone you care about get caught unaware by Dr. T. Spread the word on humor-blogs.com, Blogerella, and anywhere else people will listen.

Stay informed of Doctor Toboggans whereabouts and other late-breaking developments-
Subscribe to The Ominous Comma today.

At breakfast this morning I found a hair in my oatmeal.

Clearly, it is a sign. Somewhere, somehow, in some thoroughly obnoxious way, Doctor Harold Toboggans in on the move. (shiver.)

Send word to everyone you can, I’m bolting the doors and boarding the windows.

Alltop.com is shaken, humor-blogs.com is quaking in fear, and Blogerella. is in a dead panic.

After a long time of holding out faith, hope, and various restraining orders, it appears that Doctor Harold Toboggans is finally and truly gone.

Even the renowned Memphis Psychiatric Recovery Team has called off their search and concentrated their efforts instead on comforting his former clients during their time of grief and newly reclaimed cash flow.

It seems that there is nothing left to do but to mourn his passing and how long it took to arrive.

That and try to lay claim to the lucrative patents held by Toboggans Industries.

Click here to view the embedded video.

So here is your opportunity to bid farewell to that fount of hot air and therapeutic malpractice, and to raise a toast…or perhaps an army in his memory.

I know it’s difficult, but please take a moment to share your most awkward, painful, or just plain expensive memories of Doctor Harold Toboggans.

It’s okay, you’re among friends.

—–

P.S. If you like my fine collection of Tobogganabilia and would like to be my super special photo-buddy, or would just like to see a higher resolutioned slideshow, you can find me here:

Flickr | Picasa | Fotki | 23

—–

Dr. T always said he wanted to be remembered with a click on humor-blogs.com and a quick round of alltop.com.

I entered the establishment off a crowded thoroughfare. The place was dark, only the occasional splash of illumination painting the stark white walls. The scent of teenage aftershave mingled freely through the sparse crowd.

Music, blunt and pulsating, saturated the air like a rhythmic fog, filling every breath, every pore, with barometric waves of insistence.

Its beat was warm and relentless as it slowly worked its way down my spine, following the tangled trajectory of my nervous system.

Imperceptibly at first, I started to twitch and then to sway in an unsettling approximation of rhythm, every moment abandoning myself further to the sound’s harsh demands.

Soon I began to embrace my inner dancer, earnestly shaking what my mother had passed on to me. That’s when I heard it, the strident sound of reality calling from some distant area code.

“Dad! What are you doing?! This is a store. You’re supposed to buy things here.”

Chastened, yet still not free of the music’s hypnotic grasp I stumbled toward the exit, pausing to check a few price tags as a cover for my retreat. I had to squint to make out the numbers in the darkness, but eventually discerned their message. Sticker shock did more than any number of offended offspring to restore me from my senses and propel me to the safety of the waiting mall.

Later, despite the urging of my immediate family, my lawyers assured me that a formal apology would not be required. Nonetheless I have decided to issue the following statement:

“Owners, manager, and employees of Hollister, Inc, have no fear. No matter what the current economic uncertainty holds for you and your overpriced garments, if times get tough be assured that you can always fall back on the nightclub trade.”

-Happy Tuesday.

——

Humor-blogs.com will be happy to take you to the mall. Alltop.com will even buy you an Orange Julius.

I would like to take this opportunity to welcome myself back to my own blog after my cruel and all too usual sentence of domestic servitude.

Having paid several installments upon my debt to society,¹ Camille the Hot Comma Momma has seen fit to parole me, not so much out of any sense of clemency I suspect, but rather to meet with certain humor-thirsty Comma-addicts, address their needs, and with any luck inspire them to recovery, wholeness, and life outside our front yard.

Let me make good use of this temporary freedom by thanking my guest bloggers for the tenderness and concern they showed in infiltrating my house, launching a hostile takeover of my site, and generally making themselves at home in the unguarded heart of my Ominous empire right when I needed them the most.

I would also like to causally mention to the authorities that these same characters can be found:

here

here

and here.

However in spite of the indignities I suffered at the hands of these site-encroaching blog-squatters,² they did provide one invaluable service.

No matter what other unspeakable humor-siphoning rites they performed while in control of the Comma, they must have included an exorcism somewhere on the schedule because my own personal slice of perdition, Doctor Harold Toboggans is nowhere to be found.

For that, my dear mutineers, you have my eternal gratitude.

I’ll be sure to visit you in prison.

And now a message from the CEO of DONCO Inc.
(DONCO: Quality Frivolity at Warehouse Prices)

My apologies for this interruption. I realize that you have arrived here at the.um…(flip, flip) Ominous Comma website feverishly hoping that your visit would bring a little desperately needed levity to your otherwise odious and ultimately inconsequential lives. Naturally, we at DONCO care about you, the Jocularity End-User. That is why I have taken the time out of my inordinately busy and extremely important schedule to inform you of the exciting changes that are coming soon to the Opulent Comma. Most of you were probably unaware that approximately eight months ago, DONCO Inc., as a part of our Diversification and World Domination Program, purchased the rights to the Ominous Karma. You will be pleased to know that Brent…um.(flip).Diggs was generously compensated for the rights to the Anonymous Condom, and has now retired to Mississippi with his family. I understand he has purchased a boat with the proceeds of the sale.

Naturally, despite the change in ownership, blog continuity is important. Our studies show that humor blog readers are inherently suspicious and resistant to change, even change provided by the paternalistic hand of their betters. Thus, we initially considered various actors to take Brent’s place:

, However, issues of salary, creative control, and (frankly) moral turpitude, caused us to rely instead on animatronics. As my time is immeasurably more valuable than yours, I’ve prepared an FAQ to explain the many new features that will soon be available on the Omelet Condiment.That reminds me. We are also considering changing the name of this blog to “The OC.” This will improve the bottom line with regards to pay-by-word advertising as well as gaining a name recognition tie-in with a popular television serial. Should you find that you have any further questions, you may direct them to the DONCO website. Naturally, we will ignore them strenuously.

FAQ

SO, THAT WASN’T THE REAL BRENT IN THOSE VIDEOS THAT WERE RECENTLY POSTED HERE?

So far there have been four different Brent animatrons developed for The OC.BrentA and BrentB were early prototypes. After being rigorously tested to destruction by repeated exposure to Danger Couch videos, they were crushed and turned into a paper weight for the CEO of DONCO.

BrentC, while superior to the previous models, began to develop a troublesome sense of self-worth and was eventually sold to Wally’s Alligator World in Tickahatchee, Florida, where he can now headlines in the Wally Wall of Presidents.

BrentD, the most recent model and the one used in the recent videos, has preformed admirably for the past six months – until certain disquieting incidents suggested that he was developing a conscience (for evidence of this failure see here ). It was therefore decided that a new model, BrentE would need to be prepped for deployment. Our crack animatronics experts are working on this model presently.

IS DR. TOBOGGANS AN ANIMATRONIC CHARACTER AS WELL?

No. On the contrary, Dr. Toboggans is quite real, and we at DONCO are quite pleased that he has agreed to stay on as a consultant. He is presently conducting extensive psychological evaluations of the employees at DONCO Inc. Utilizing his own patented organ needles as primary research tools, he has also been attempting to determine the cause of a precipitate drop in morale within our HR Department.

THIS IS SO EXCITING, I MAY HAVE WET MYSELF. WHEN CAN WE EXPECT THE NEW AND IMPROVED OC TO BE OPERATIONAL?

Programing of the BrentE model is presently underway. Naturally, this will take some time. Just up-loading all potential permutations of knock-knock jokes is a daunting task.

Additionally any fleeting and random bits of self-respect must be ruthlessly hunted down and eradicated.But have no fear, the Opiate Coma will continue to be hosted by BrentD until the new model has completed all necessary programing and tests. Meanwhile we ask for your patience. Should you notice any abnormal behavior; excessive self-pity, rambling diatribes, or videos containing children, please click the reset button here.Thank you. You may now return to your plebeian lives.Don Lewis
CEO DONCO, Inc.