The Fording Report
Instigative journalism from Harold Fording – Presented by Dissociated Press
I have for you today a story so unexpected, so shocking, so absolutely Pulitzer-worthy, that I barely have to time to write it because of all the hours I am putting in on my award acceptance speech.
Itâ€™s not just a scoop, itâ€™s an industrial earth-mover of a story, complete with hard-hats, cat-calls, and other hyphenated accessories.
The entire world has been aghast at certain, fairly recent developments in Californiaâ€™s Sacramento River, namely the unexpected presence of two Humpback whales in it. Scientists, whale watchers, and environmentalists alike have all been at a loss to explain this directional mishap, but in one of my regular displays of journalistic superiority I have uncovered the full story.
For hundred if not thousands of years, whales have been faced with countless human-devised threats to their well-being, including but not limited to: rising ocean temperatures, the whaling industry, and Herman Melvilleâ€™s Moby Dick. For countless years whales have faced these threats with resignation and pacifism, but recently things have changed under the sea.
Whales are fighting back.
For so long have humans have enjoyed their â€œmasteryâ€ of the seas that no one recognized the threat at first.
A mechanical difficulty here, a grounded ship there, even a even the â€œunexplainedâ€ fire on the whaling ship Nisshin Maru where not recognized for what they were: a whale counterstrike.
And with the discovery of cetacean operatives moving upriver towards Californiaâ€™s vulnerable interior, there can be no doubt that we are witnessing the beginning of a new phase of inter-species combat.
Fortunately, I was able to reveal their destructive purposes before they had a chance to reek any havoc on the Sunshine State.
Now, with their mission compromised by hard hitting journalism, the wary whales have disappeared as unexpectedly as they arrived, eluding marine biologists, port authorities, and Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, whose presence, although not actually near the incident, was enough to send the aquatic terrorists swimming for their autograph books.
Although things seem quiet for now, I donâ€™t think we have heard the last from these dangerous denizens of the deep.
As always, this is Herman Fording with the second-half of the rest of the extended version of the whole story.
Click here for Herman Fordingâ€™s next award-leeching feature:
Rouge Agent Flips Canada The Bucket
Or see Fordingâ€™s previous effort at newsworthiness click here:
Simply Stunning Examples of Sensational Headlines
Iâ€™m a little freaked out about sharing the same wave of oscillation as Herman Fording. You see I am currently reading â€œThe Outlaw Seaâ€ by William Langewiesche. It is about the epidemic disorder of our oceans.
â€œThe open ocean â€“ the vast expanse of international waters- spreads across three-fourths of the globe. It is a place of storms and danger, both natural and man-made. At a time when every last patch of land is claimed by one government or another, it is a place that remains radically free.â€
DonÂ´t be freaked out, you know that Fording has spies everywhere. He reads your mail, he sees what you watch, and… never mind. Ok, maybe be a little freaked out.
Great story as usual, you are one funny guy and I appreciate your humor. Those who donÂ´t, just arenÂ´t human.
Ditto to what Lynn said.
Brent is one of the best…if not THE BEST!
Captain Ahab had the right idea all along.
Long live Brent!
those whales are beaming themselves in and out of the river. transportation on the molecular level has always been a specialty of theirs. They sing about it all the time in their whale songs. But no one ever takes the time to listen. No one, except me, that is.
Fascinating, someone should write a paper on the chemical interaction of saltwater and fresh immediately following transport.
It would be guaranteed to ensure a deep and restful sleep to all but the most scientifical.
I think you are on to something with the terror whales theory. We are looking into buying a boat and our main concern out at sea will be hitting floating containers and whales.Would it surprise you to learn that the retaliatory whales are now living in containers and only come out to play when they see a small boat.