The Fording Report
Instigative journalism from Harold Fording – Presented by Dissociated Press
I have for you today a story so unexpected, so shocking, so absolutely Pulitzer-worthy, that I barely have to time to write it because of all the hours I am putting in on my award acceptance speech.
It’s not just a scoop, it’s an industrial earth-mover of a story, complete with hard-hats, cat-calls, and other hyphenated accessories.
The entire world has been aghast at certain, fairly recent developments in California’s Sacramento River, namely the unexpected presence of two Humpback whales in it. Scientists, whale watchers, and environmentalists alike have all been at a loss to explain this directional mishap, but in one of my regular displays of journalistic superiority I have uncovered the full story.
For hundred if not thousands of years, whales have been faced with countless human-devised threats to their well-being, including but not limited to: rising ocean temperatures, the whaling industry, and Herman Melville’s Moby Dick. For countless years whales have faced these threats with resignation and pacifism, but recently things have changed under the sea.
Whales are fighting back.
For so long have humans have enjoyed their “mastery” of the seas that no one recognized the threat at first.
A mechanical difficulty here, a grounded ship there, even a even the “unexplained” fire on the whaling ship Nisshin Maru where not recognized for what they were: a whale counterstrike.
And with the discovery of cetacean operatives moving upriver towards California’s vulnerable interior, there can be no doubt that we are witnessing the beginning of a new phase of inter-species combat.
Fortunately, I was able to reveal their destructive purposes before they had a chance to reek any havoc on the Sunshine State.
Now, with their mission compromised by hard hitting journalism, the wary whales have disappeared as unexpectedly as they arrived, eluding marine biologists, port authorities, and Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, whose presence, although not actually near the incident, was enough to send the aquatic terrorists swimming for their autograph books.
Although things seem quiet for now, I don’t think we have heard the last from these dangerous denizens of the deep.
As always, this is Herman Fording with the second-half of the rest of the extended version of the whole story.
Click here for Herman Fording’s next award-leeching feature:
Rouge Agent Flips Canada The Bucket
Or see Fording’s previous effort at newsworthiness click here:
Simply Stunning Examples of Sensational Headlines