Everyone does things that they later regret. Things that they wish they could blame on drugs or alien possession. Things that although seem rational at the time, later reveal themselves to be engraved invitations for suffering and endless recriminations of stupidity.
For some people it is signing the note for the new Hummer, for others it is picking up a homicidal hitchhiker, for still others it is sending their bank account information to third world millionaires mysteriously strapped for cash.
For me it was a film.
D-War: Dragon Wars
In hindsight, I should have guessed how environmentally friendly and thoroughly recycled this movie would turn out to be from its stuttered and repeating title. But with my willing suspension of disbelief intact, and a naive faith stemming from the cool looking poster in the lobby, I really wanted this film to work. Sadly, by the time the old man in the pawnshop explained the entire backstory, fifteen minutes into the picture, I had the sudden, sinking revelation that comes from knowing every plot point of a still unseen film. And worse:
I knew just how badly they would all suck.
Let me be perfectly clear here, the English language lacks sufficient nuance and depth regarding the topic of ultimate evil to properly describe just how bad this film really is.
As for knowing all the twists of movie, I was wrong. In the spirit of the old Godzilla films, whose scales this one is not worthy to fill, it conveniently sprouted extra sub-plots every time the main characters were threatened by the specter of meaningful dialogue.
It was infested with close calls, miraculous escapes, and concentrated deposits of poorly explained angst.
This film is what would happen if you gave the produces of the Mighty Morphing Power Rangers access to the national defense budget. And lots of liquor.
Let me try to explain.
Imagine you could get a hold of all the coolest-looking set pieces from successful action movies of the last decade:
First take the rasta-talking army of amphibians from Star Wars Episode One and remove their Prozac until they are ready to club Navy Seals.
Next, take close approximations of Kira Knightly and Tom Cruise (You can even call him Ethan as a â€œsubtleâ€ nod to the Mission Impossible franchise.) and give them lots of film noir narration, so no one get confused while trying to follow the wading-pool depths of their thoughts.
Finally add a raspy-voiced villain in pointy armor worthy of a Lord of the Rings yardsale and a couple of giant cobras, angry at having their scenes deleted from latest edition of King Kong, and lay them all out in no particular order in modern day Los Angeles.
Now run to the drugstore to find something for your sudden migraine. When you return, puree these ingredients until any overlooked hint of originality is dissolved into a homogenized mass of cheese and serve semi-gelatinous.
At several points during this picture, I found myself saying out loud, â€œMake the bad movie stop,â€ and breaking into tears.
To call this a B-movie would be giving it an undeserved promotion. After summer school, and a lot of physical therapy, it might possibly pass for a C level film if you could somehow sleep through most of it.
In short, if you ever find yourself with money and brain cells to burn, and the need to punish yourself for hideous, unspoken sins against humanity, Dragon Wars might just be the film for you.
This post is demanding its money back at humor-blogs.com
So, what your saying isâ€¦.You didnâ€™t like this movie?
I so enjoy a good rant! Ask my kids!
Oh, P.S. I enjoyed this one!
Maybe it would make a good manhood test for some lost Amazonian tribe just being introduced to the the modern world. “If you can sit through this movie and then write a 500-word synopsis of what you have seen without either throwing up or passing out, you da man!”
I hate it when a movie does not live up to its poster!
Escape from LA
Flash Gordon (I kind of like this one anyway)
Snakes on a Plane
Just to name a few…
I thought â€œRantâ€ was a musical about young aspiring actors trying to pay their way in life (Set in Atlanta Ga)
I loved this line…
“When you return, puree these ingredients until any overlooked hint of originality is dissolved into a homogenized mass of cheese and serve semi-gelatinous.”
It reminded me of fresh vomit.
You know, it’s funny how sometimes we find ourselves watching something that is completely TERRIBLE and RUBBISH and we just sit there in a stupor and horror while asking ourselves…”Can it get any worse?”, “What am I doing here?”
Before you know it, the credits are rolling, the lights are on and you feel disgusted.
Great post! :)
Might I make a recommendation?
Pick up a little movie called “Axe ’em”. No, it is not set in the ghetto…it’s a horror movie. And a damn fine one at that. B movie? No, try like, K movie…perhaps an H movie if we’re being generous.
This movie is best watched while intoxicated and with friends. You’ll remember the experience for the rest of your life.
oh, I should have warned you — I saw the preview and well, but then again you got a post out of it and if you liked it — well, you wouldn’t have as much good stuff.
I vote we resurrect the Mystery Science Fiction Theater 3000 genre and use bad horror movies instead. Further instead of using pieced together house hold appliances and sports equipment, we could narrate with Brent (aka; Ruckus), the squirrel and the tea cup moose. I think that would be a winner. Oh the fun we could have with that one.
It sounds like this motion picture certainly did ‘drag on’!
I…I think I had better go.
The worst movie ever stars Edward James Olmos. It’s called “The Limbic Region.” It so completely transcended any level of badness that my wife and I had ever previously encountered that we were utterly transfixed and watched the whole thing.
I love the title. Perhaps we could film a sequel about a land of hideously flexible people. We’d call it the limbo region
Sounds like it might be good enough to make it on on SciFi channel soon..
I also need to say that I heard that the squirrel went to auditions for that movie.
Um, I’ll take the raspy voiced villain in pointy armor for a hundred, please…
And you went to see this movie because…?
very interesting, but I don’t agree with you
Dude you got a visit from Idetrorce! I am envious.
The worst movie ever stars Edward James Olmos… yes