Having used the dark and damp confines of this site to cultivate huge crops of blatant ridiculousity, I had assumed that everyone was aware that what passes for information around here is to be used strictly for entertainment purposes only. Allow me to state for the record, and for any humor-policing agencies that may be monitoring this publication, that I had no idea that anyone was taking this stuff literally. However, while trolling through the webosphere I have discovered several accounts of misguided individuals who appear to be doing just that. So as a service to my readers, and a condition of my parole, I will now attempt to show you exactly what not to do.
First, unless you are dealing with muggers, politicians, or others elements that operate outside respectable society, please refrain from flinging poo. People seem to a take a dim view of random turd-lobbing, even if you have a high-risk profession like school principal.
Secondly, the marketing, financing, and acquisition of nations is strictly the province of large corporations. Private individuals have no business selling their country. According to international treaty, non-incorporated entities such as human beings are not allowed to market anything more substantial than their souls. Even if it borders Luxembourg.
Finally, frequent commentor Chris non-C has left many cryptic statements referencing a mysterious species of animal that he call the Tea Cup Moose. Following the advice of Doctor Herald Toboggans, and other experts on/with unstable personalities, I decided to humor Chris, on the off-chance that he was violent and/or a Humor-blogs inspector. After all, what would a self respecting animal such as a moose be doing in a teacup?
Chris, I am sorry to have doubted you.
I can’t go into detail here on this unsecured page, but let’s just say that it looks like the Russians have been making strategic advances in non-dairy creamer technology.
In conclusion, let me assure the readers of this fine publication that although I am a highly respected authority in the field of untested theories and unsubstantiated claims, I cannot state strongly enough that what happens hypothetically, stays hypothetical. As much as I care for each and every one of you, I cannot be held personally responsible for any injuries, litigation, or hair loss resulting from the application of “information” found at this site to your actual existence.
Happy Friday.
Don’t face another weekend alone. Send for your copy of the Danger Couch DVD right stinkin’ now.
This post is theoretically listed among sources deep inside the humor-blogs.com organization.
{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }
Nothing goes better with oreos than moose milk.
And, if the Italians can make mozzarella with buffalo milk why can’t those russians start making ice cream with moose milk — goes great with moose pie.
Rjlight pulled through for the comma community! You get the first comment prize and a big smile from Comma Debbie.
I’m glad people are reading! When do they starting thinking?
Brent,
Howard may be on to something…
Is there going to be a pop quiz?
I don’t know, thinking people are dangerous. Otherwise why would the government/television/major retailer conspiracy exist?
You did know about that one, didn’t you?
Oops, I guess we’ll have to declassify it now.
I used to manage a clothing store (back when thinking was not an option). No wonder my customers looked strange and told me to be careful what I said in the presence of a plaid shirt.
Given the dire news on the non-dairy creamer front I vow to drink my coffee black from here on out, those pinko commie bastages be d*mned!
Debbie,
so, should we be careful around all plaid?
Plaid will always talk loudly behind your back.
what about purple plaid?
I had a purple plaid jumper when I was in kindergarten. I loved that dress.
I just hope the Russians use of non-dairy creamer technology does not lead to a Cold Milk War.
My squirrel loves moose milk.
My tea-cup moose tried to get a job as a dairy moose for the Russians. He was very disappointed when they turned him down solely because he was a boy. He only drinks soy now, in protest.
Brent,
“Otherwise why would the government/television/major retailer conspiracy exist?”
Is this the one that says George W was once a mannequin used in Sears commercials?
Moose fact: Did you know that the Canadians once used moose as urban assault vehicles? Its true. They were more responsive than horses and considered to be more intelligent. However, they did have a downfall that made them unfit for use by Mounties. Moose are very gun shy and would buck off their rider at every loud noise.
Oh and hi Lynn!
Hey Chris,
Please don’t let your tea cup moose be sad about the Russians. My squirrel tried out for their ballet four times, each rejection seemed to hurt worse than the last. I asked Dr. T about it once, but his reponse to the ballet was less than encouraging. Squirrel sends regards to moose.
Thought you might like to know about this: http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070921/od_nm/britain_hyphen1_dc_1;_ylt=AjKYXpTZlvnJl7kRDz137b4E1vAI
Megan,
Thank you for bringing this matter to my attention. If there is anything I will not stand for, it is the pruning of punctuation.
If you need me, I’ll be sitting over in the corner.
Please… continue.
This is a test of my new and hopefully less confusing “nested comment system.”
Now people can answer each other directly through time and space.
Sally,
All plaid is dangerous but purple plaid is the most dangerous. There are tiny little cameras implanted in purple plaid micro fibers. If you see anyone wearing purple plaid they are in for a shock.
Works perfect Brent.
You replied to yourself. This is very telling.
AC or DC? I will need to properly match my impedance.
In your case Ruckus; it will be a glorious musical shock equal to the square root of the sum of the plaid cross pattern. AC & DC will be the mental sound transmitter so no worries when “Winter Wonderland” is interrupted with “Cause the walls were shaking, the earth was quaking, my mind was aching…”
I believe the ever “agile” H. Jimmy James could switch to G, C, & D chords in a milli-second to disguise the sudden outburst of the purple plaid suit.
You have to admit Ruckus, your purple plaid suit kind of has its own personality. You are just the enhancer. Or is it the other way around?
I’m sure I will have the answer Wednesday night when I can watch Tinsel of Doom. I’m so excited!
The worst thing about talking to yourself is the interruptions by other people.