Welcome my friends to the second anniversary of that fine institution of questionable literary achievement; the icon of irony, the paragon of punctuation, and the winner of the Cadbury Award of Merit for most gratuitous uses of the word “of” in a sentence: The Ominous Comma.
I don’t mind telling you that this is an event of unparalleled achievement; never in that annals of internet history has there been such an continuous streak of unthrottled ridiculousity.1
This is a day of such magnificent splendor that no possible event or discovery could ever diminish the glow of joy within my–
We interrupt your previously scheduled Anniversary Celebration to bring you the following Urgent News Development:
Doctor Harold Toboggans has been found.
After an unexplained six-month absence, self-renown psychologist and internet racketeer Harold toboggans was spotted by several witnesses today at a Memphis area park.
A visiting group of crypto-biologists in town searching for Elvis recognized Toboggans from his multiple appearances on America’s Least Wanted and recorded this home video of their unsettling discovery.
http://www.vimeo.com/3040037Authorities consider Toboggans unarmed but extremely unpleasant and urge caution to any who come in contact with him.
We now return you to your post, still in progress.
…and that is it is so absolutely crucial that you instantly apply what I just told you.
I wasn’t suppose to ever share the secrets of effortless financial security with anyone, and once the other illuminati discover that I’ve told you, they will be after my blood, but these are dark times and I can’t let my favorite readers suffer while I alone enjoy the benefits of unimagined wealth, now can I?
After all, you’d do the same for me. Right?
Don’t let anyone you care about get caught unaware by Dr. T. Spread the word on humor-blogs.com, Blogerella, and anywhere else people will listen.
Stay informed of Doctor Toboggans whereabouts and other late-breaking developments-
Subscribe to The Ominous Comma today.
- A fact mainly due to my continued avoidance of the Internet Throttling Committee, whose various injunctions, subpoenas, and swat teams I have so far managed to elude. «
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
Hey, I saw him in Belgium a few days ago. I just forgot to report it.
Wow, until you get up close, Dr. Toboggans looks a lot like Darren from “Bewitched.” The first Darren, not the lame-o second poseur Darren.
Too bad he couldn’t look more like Samantha. Yowza!
Man, that Drew Peterson has really pulled himself together!
I think he was just spotted in Los Angeles, California. Who knew!
Love and Blessings,
AngelBaby
Terrifying.
I didn’t think anyone used 8 mm camera’s anymore. He definitely looks a little rough though.
That Yeti-like gait, that crusted uni-brow, that Easter egg-like tie, that Mr. Rogers-like ill fitting sweater………….. It frightening…. He’s more agitated and hyphenated than ever. Where’s the cadimine and the dart gun. Get my trebuchet!!!
Someone stole that footage from me as I was heading to the ICU…Cruel
He walked suspiciously like the infamous big foot video. I suspect he’s just mad that moustaches haven’t yet made a major comeback…
ScottL -Traumatic memory loss is a commonly reported symptom of Toboggans exposure.
Jeffrey Ellis -The doctor’s participation in the Darren Relocation Program was a closely guarded secret. Until now.
LOBO -That’s a low blow even for Doctor T.
AngelBaby -Clearly all that hard living in LA has taken it’s toll.
Father Muskrat -We still don’t watch happened to the camera man. All they found was some soiled boxers.
Alex L. -I believe you can get Super-8 film as well as footprint plaster at Sasquatch Sighting Supply and other such chains.
Chris non-C -Do you have a spare trebuchet or two? I would love to help with his relocation.
t-zodd -Those must have been your boxers. You might try Oxy-Clean.
VE - It’s bad enough that’s he’s made a comeback. What we need is a getback to wherever he’s been.
Some advice for Mr Phelps (who in addition to winning eight gold medals was apparently caught smoking dope on film)
From Dr: T
Michael,
You’ve taken the first step, you’ve apologized and while this will not go very far in the regular world (the one most of us live in) a simple “I’m sorry” can go a long way in the political arena.
Other terms you might want to learn:
I am not a crook
I didn’t inhale
I didn’t have $ex with that intern
Read my lips, no new taxes
I will not hire a lobbyist
Of course the “I’m sorry” is very ambiguous and can be very useful in most any circumstance. It works very well when you are caught cheating on your taxes.
So, don’t be discouraged, while your drug use hurts you in almost every honorable profession, it in no way hinders you politically.
You can even be president some day.
Are we two years old already? I think we should all celebrate with a trebuchet ride to some place exotic and fun like Gitmo. (What? You got a better idea?)
Poor Dr. T, he looks terribly disturbed. What did your family do to him?
Hold on Harry, I’m coming for you! (As soon as I find my pepper spray)
HE LIVES and my life can continue!! I’ve been waiting for news about him for so very long and now I can sit in the warm glow of my monitor and watch him ALL NIGHT LONG. Thank gawd for replay!
He was just so manly and debonair. My heart just…..stopped.
jeolmstead – I’m sorry that you had to read the doctor’s correspondence, I thought that was my exclusive burden to bear. Sage advice for any minds set on “public” service, though.
Debbie – I think maybe he’s been suffering from pepper spray with drawls. Better give him a double.
Chunks of Reality – I’m glad that your heart started back up again. I would hate for Doctor Toboggans to claim another victim. Although from your disturbing admiration for His Arrogantness, I have to wonder if he already has.
Congrats on two years! And my condolences for the whole Dr. T. thing.
Kind of a bittersweet moment, eh?
Why did the person filming not just put down the camera and shoot the swine in the face?
It is the right and humane thing to do.
Congratulation on your second year, sir!
Also, I have ’stumbled’ this article (whatever that means) in the hope that your warning may be spread far and wide.
God help us all.
I’m not convinced. I think it may just be some hoaxster dressed up in a Toboggans suit.
Mmmmm…I’ll have to keep a look out from now on. :)
~ZZ
Is there going to be a whole messing with Toboggans series?
wolf -Thank you. And congratulations on your move to Portland, birthplace of your author and home to many Comma fans. You are in good company, sir.
Lord Likely -It seems that humane camera people are in short supply. Reliable firearms as well. Thank you for your help in spreading the warning.
Steph -What kind of person could bring themselves to do that. I don’t think you could ever pay someone enough.
Greeneyezz -That’s a good idea. You should also set up a guard and sleep in shifts. (They’re quite comfortable, those shifts, soon everyone will be sleeping in them.)
Chris non-C -Let’s just say that I have a feeling he’ll be spotted again soon.
Nice story, I like that :)
Although I’d never have thunk it, I find these days that I miss the good Doctor and the sessions we had together. It’s hard to explain how much I have grown to truly care for Dr. T. While my words fail me, others however have explained it as Stockholm Syndrome.
Yes, it was painful but necessary. I’m just thankful that I was pronounced “cured” just as my lifetime mental health benefit max was reached.
Having struggled with mental health issues my whole life it was refreshing to experience the good doctors “hands on” approach to mental hygiene, and, just as he promised, the nightmares of my childhood have been totally replaced by the nightmares of our sessions together.
This would seem problematic but the Dr assures me that as my fears on long past events have been displaced by the recent ones, soon they too will be overshadowed by the fear and dread of running into the Doctor or his staff, and, we all know, the future hasn’t happened yet, so it leaves no noticeable scars.
Oh, and if you do see Dr T, tell him to keep the ball peen hammer and the jumper cables.
Just Me – Thank you.
jeolmstead -Clearly, you know the doctor well. By now you probably realize how much more quickly you could have been cured if you had only run out of cash sooner. The doctor is nothing if not efficient.
I think he’s in Austin… ‘Keeping our city weird.’