Welcome my friends to the second anniversary of that fine institution of questionable literary achievement; the icon of irony, the paragon of punctuation, and the winner of the Cadbury Award of Merit for most gratuitous uses of the word “of” in a sentence: The Ominous Comma.
I don’t mind telling you that this is an event of unparalleled achievement; never in that annals of internet history has there been such an continuous streak of unthrottled ridiculousity.1
This is a day of such magnificent splendor that no possible event or discovery could ever diminish the glow of joy within my–
We interrupt your previously scheduled Anniversary Celebration to bring you the following Urgent News Development:
Doctor Harold Toboggans has been found.
After an unexplained six-month absence, self-renown psychologist and internet racketeer Harold toboggans was spotted by several witnesses today at a Memphis area park.
A visiting group of crypto-biologists in town searching for Elvis recognized Toboggans from his multiple appearances on America’s Least Wanted and recorded this home video of their unsettling discovery.Authorities consider Toboggans unarmed but extremely unpleasant and urge caution to any who come in contact with him.
We now return you to your post, still in progress.
…and that is it is so absolutely crucial that you instantly apply what I just told you.
I wasn’t suppose to ever share the secrets of effortless financial security with anyone, and once the other illuminati discover that I’ve told you, they will be after my blood, but these are dark times and I can’t let my favorite readers suffer while I alone enjoy the benefits of unimagined wealth, now can I?
After all, you’d do the same for me. Right?
Stay informed of Doctor Toboggans whereabouts and other late-breaking developments–
Subscribe to The Ominous Comma today.
- A fact mainly due to my continued avoidance of the Internet Throttling Committee, whose various injunctions, subpoenas, and swat teams I have so far managed to elude. ↩