This past weekend I took a brief vacation with my family to St. Louis in order to relax in the tranquil and rejuvenating shelter of a major amusement park. I find that nothing clears my head and motivates me to return to work like high prices, pressing crowds, and chronic motion sickness.
As a unexpected bonus for our patronage we received an unsought addition to our family.
Although we weren’t really in the market for another child, the fact that there was no charge for the little bundle of joy caught my attention, and so we decided to see what the park had to offer in the way of complementary offspring.
Their selection was less than generous, all the brand name kids were already gone, but we finally settled on a reliable looking generic child to call our own.
I am still wondering where these kids come from, I guess the park staff gathers up all the unclaimed tykes each day and hand them out toward the end of the season.
We’re pretty happy with ours, I’m thinking of calling her Number Four.
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Read the next exciting chapter of this story: Generic Child Care
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The problem with “free children” is that they are often times either “factory seconds” or cheap designer knock offs from China.
John O.
Ooooh… I’m thinking I could go up their supply; I’m sure they’re probably running short now that it’s the end of summer, and I have two
I’d like to find homes for (“for which I’d like to find homes,” rather). The one you got is pretty cute, though!
Hye, thanks for coming by my blog! I love yours!
OK. How many stupid typos can one person have?! Sorry – it’s the darned laptop! (Not me. No sir.)
Ooooh, that’s adorable. Congratulations on the addition to your family!
I believe Six Flags has incorporated the “human genome project” technique in matching kids with the best family. When you entered the park they scanned your entire genetic makeup in record time. That cute little darling’s DNA barcode was the best match. They did a good job she looks just like you! (This almost guarantees no child will be returned) I believe Six Flags even receives federal funding for this project…kind of an extension of Bush’s no child left behind act.
Hope you rode the Ninja! I always forget that they take your picture at some point during the ride and then try and sell it to you as a keepsake. I’m always the one who has that pained look of sheer terror accompanied with the death grip on the little bar thingy, while my friends are smiling with their hands in the air. Next time I will try and remember to strike that model pose with the pursed lips and sly come hither stare…
It is a great program, I picked up 5 of them.
…..Well, the kids might be free but you still have to pay for their shots.
I like this site, my husband says that after a week of reading these posts I am more humorous.
That is the secret desire of all husbands, We all want “funny” wives.
That is why we act the way we do
You see, we are not stupid, we just act stupid is hopes that it will make you laugh.
John O.
Universal in Orlando has a similar program. Only there you get an ex-child star.
(We came back with Gary Coleman)
John O.
…who is “Willis” by the way? And What is he always talking about?
John O.,
Thanks for clearing that up. My boys act that way too.
Oh that’s were she is! Little Penelope — stay away from the doctor–he’s scary. They’ll give you a great home! By the way she likes corn nuts and orange juice. I know College is expensive just send her back then and we will work something out. Hey, if you could make sure she gets a scholarship or something I would appreciate it. I wonder if we left the other one when we were at Yellowstone…
It would probably be worth the price of the amusement park just to get rid of these kids.
I am so happy with our addition. It really made the trip interesting on the way back however, due to the fact that we did not rent a minivan. We just took turns changing out who rode on the roof rack. Whichever child was acting the worst got the next 30 miles on the rack. It made me feel better:)
Camille,
So did Brent end up on the roof rack?
Well, I hate to shatter his male ego and all, but he did do a 15 minute rack attitude adjustment. It was really supposed to be 30, but I just could not stand the thought of kissing someone with bugs in their teeth.
I have got to put you people on staff.
No child left behind.
Gary Coleman.
Good Stuff.
And welcome MadMad and Howard, it’s good to have you here. I hope you enjoy yourselves and don’t let the others scare you.
(They’re just nervous around new people, simply explain that you’ve been on the planet a few years and they will calm down.)
Poor kid, don’t the psychologist guy at her.
You mean all I needed to have was a “Free Child” coupon to have kids? Why did I do it the hard way then?
The free ones can cost you more in the long run.
What admission did you have to make before receiving the free child, though?
Your Lordship,
All that was required was an admission of guilt to the Department of Humor Security.
Strangely, no one was very specific about what exactly I was guilty of. They said they’d let know next time they needed a patsy.
I’m calling it a bargain. For this kid I’d give them a full on spanksy.
How are brand name kids different than generics?
Brent,
What in the world is a spanksy? It looks Russian. Are you playing with other languages again? You know that your main language gets jealous when you play with others.
TURN THE CARD OVER! TURN THE CARD OVER! Whenever I get offers for “free” children, I always read the fine print. You’ve got yourself a full-time job for the next, I’m guessing, nine years. The large print giveth and the small print taketh away.
I wonder if this is what my parents meant when they said that my adoption was very easy. Could I be one of those generic kids that they had to unload on some poor unsuspecting family? Now that thing my mom used to mumble at the grocery store about hating coupons makes more sense. Hmmm, I have to go call my mom………………….
Seriously…. I’m laughing my ass off.
Love it love it.
Sally, to answer your question:
If you notice the pic of “child”, the left arm is longer then the right.
You just don’t see this sort of thing with brand name children.
John O.
Lynn,
Like Bruce Willis says in The Fifth Element, I only speak English and bad English.
Spanksies, as everyone with at least one sibling knows, are the next level of escalation from patsies, coming immediately before punchsies.
Don’t feel badly that you didn’t know this. Here at the the Comma, we are all about the education and social enrichment of readers. Enlightening you to this phenomenon is all in a days work.
Beenzzz,
Doctor Toboggans has been know to hand out Free Child coupons just outside delivery rooms in order to “rehabilitate” expectant mothers. He calls it therapy but I think he just has a cruel sense of humor.
Frogster,
I think you’re right. She is already starting to pull to the right and strange noises are coming from under the hood.
Maybe it was all that broccoli.
Chris,
I am really sorry. Your mom made it very clear that we weren’t supposed to tell you about any of that. Who knew you’d put the pieces together so quickly.
Jayne,
Although I appreciate your sentiment, what you describe is a serious health condition. You need to locate your posterior immediately and find some specialists who can reattach your missing member before you have to sit down anywhere.
Trust me, you don’t want to face the horror of Lost Buttock Syndrome.
English Major Alert.
(Two points if anyone can identify the Voltaire allusion in the previous comment.)
Voltaire Allusion,
Doesn’t he play for Kentucky?
Candide?
Candide by Voltaire.
Candide is a relentless, brutal assault on government, society, religion, education, and, above all, optimism.
John O.
Yes John O., and I seem to remember an old lady with only one buttock in that wonderfully witty and sarcastic novel.
John O.
I thought the glasses might have something to do with being generic.
Brent,
My mom is quite upset about this and needs a session or two of therapy. I have referred her to Dr.T…………… I recommend electroshock.
I, however, am over the initial shock of this and doing quite well. I have no bitter feelings of resentment or ill-will to the conspirators who help to perpetuate the giant freaking lie that is my life!……… Ahem…… like I said……I’m fine.
Wow number four, what big eye glasses you have.
If they are giving more out, let us know. We’re in the market for a least a number one.