Some have called it tragic, some have called it outrageous, most have called it a matter to discuss further over lunch.
Mississippi possesses such an enormous, gargantuan fatness, that on a clear day I can practically see it from here
But around here these harsh criticisms, interrupting years of blissful metabolic ignorance, have left residents riddled with questions. Namely:
“How did this happen?”1
“Who can I sue?”
And, “Just who are you calling fat, blog-boy?”
But as a current neighbor, allow me to state for the record that in my personally calibrated opinion, Mississippi possesses such an enormous, gargantuan fatness, that on a clear day I can practically see it from here.
On top of that, many of the natives exhibit impressive girth enhancement themselves.
In fact after careful study, I have determined that fully half of the two people surveyed display the dietary discretion of a small and hungry child.
Left to its own devices.
This is not accidental. The typical Mississippi meal is carefully planned out and delicately balanced to achieve an equal representation of fat and high fructose corn syrup.
After an equally painstaking investigation, consisting mostly of highway travel, I have also discovered that the cause of this mass dependence on synthetic food substitutes stems from the general inability of locals to keep vegetable matter settled within the confines of their individual digestive systems.
Not only is this Old-Faithful-worthy spewing of the greens thoroughly revolting, it is also sure to provide even the most media-saturated individuals with lots and lots of Urgent News Stories, which in the interest of time and my aversion to work I will simulate below.
A Simulated Effort At Thoroughness
To get the effect of a weeklong hard-hitting Mississippi Health and Diet exposé, all you need to do is re-read this article every day next week, each time inserting a new high intensity headline.
Monday: Why is Mississippi so Fat?
Tuesday: Why is Mississippi so Hyperactive?
Wednesday: Why is Mississippi so Diabetic?
Weekend Recap: Why is Mississippi on the Verge of Imploding into a Trans-Dimensional Hypoglycemic Singularity that Will Drag the Rest of the Free World and Parts of Canada into a Hideous Sugar-Fueled Doom?
We will continue to monitor this story until something newsworthy comes along.
If you have any groundbreaking research on this topic, you’d definitely be the first. But even if all you can supply are your own unfounded allegations of corpulent statehood, I will graciously give them a fair hearing.
- Please see the classic metabolic equation: Cin – Cout = Mbf . (Calories coming in minus Calories going out equals Masses of Burbling Fat. ↩
- Hello Debbie. ↩
- Contrary to local opinion, the world does not revolve around Mississippi, but loose objects do tend to orbit it unless restrained. ↩
- Does such a thing exist? Research, I demand research. ↩
- And a small potted plant. ↩