As much as I love links, appreciate comments and am surprisingly tolerant of random declarations of praise targeted at my writing skills, I have unfortunately discovered that none of these commodities go very far with my local grocer.1
So while scouring the netosphere for writing gigs that pay in a more spendable currency, I stumbled across this post by Skellie, the new assistant Darren2 at ProBlogger, who inspired me with a revolutionary idea.
She points out the overwhelming majority of blogs voted Most Likely to Have a Date to the Homecoming Dance engage in what she calls value-blogging.
Not to be confused with faith-and-value-blogging or even overhead-valve-blocking, value-blogging centers not on facts or opinions, but rather on actually improving the readers themselves. Which as a writer I find very convenient, since it allows me to avoid certain inconveniences like research, investigation, and accuracy.
One value-infusing tactic she recommends is to provide readers with helpful how-to articles, such as Blogging for Beginners, Taxidermy for Tenderfoots, or for the more advanced, Sitz-baths for Sasquatches.
So in this same educationally generous spirit I am introducing the latest in a very short series of potentially helpful posts: Spontaneous Combustion for the Inexperienced.
Although some of my more cynical readers may be questioning my qualifications in this field, having thus far in my life thoroughly failed to burst into flame, the fact is that amazingly little is know about Spontaneous Combustion, which in the lack of credible contradiction, makes me an expert.
If that doesn’t convince you, think of it this way: I have precisely the same level of experience in this endeavor as the major presidential candidates have with being the Chief Executive.
Having silenced the scoffers, let’s move on to today’s lesson.
Helpful Tips for Those Intent on Spontaneously Combusting
Spontaneous human combustion has a long, colorful, and completely unverified history. If you are interested in joining the charred ranks of the unexpectedly consumed then keep the following high-value educational tips in mind:
- Anyone with serious human torch aspirations would do well to avoid scientists, cameras, and Geraldo Rivera, since this flaming phenomena has never once occurred in their presence.
- In addition, you would be wise to avoid random incineration in the presence of government officials, because it won’t take them long to find a way to tax, license or otherwise charge your surviving relatives for your newly acquired skill.
- Also be aware that certain locations are less than conducive to combustion and should be avoided by those intent on auto-immolation. Places to avoid include saunas, pools, and the lunar surface.
- In light of the absurdly high water content of the human body, some people are tempted to jump start the process. This is cheating. Your combustion must be spontaneous for it to count. Use of ignition-enhancing agents such as TNT breath drops, C-4 chewing gum, or even a nitroglycerin/papaya cleansing facial mask constitutes a clear breach of applicable protocols.
- Finally, please be considerate. Avoid going up in a blaze of glory in restaurants, coffee shops, and in posted no-smoldering areas.
There you have it, High Value Blogging if ever I have performed it.3
So, although I have strained the very fiber of my being, as well as this blog, by becoming so thoroughly useful, we will both recover and will soon return with even more bowel-quivering reader improvements for you, the reader in need of improving.
Meanwhile, I am going to put on my asbestos undergarments, and maybe take a quick sitz bath, just to be safe.
This post can be found burning up the charts at humor-blogs.com
- In a recent attempt, I offered the Wal-Mart cashier/slave two LOLs and a LUUSMNC for a medium sized bunch of bananas. The silence was deafening. Even throwing in a generous PR4 link from this publication wouldn’t budge her. A guy outside did offer me some foodstamps for them though. «
- In the wake of the unfortunate Bewitched scandal, all upgrading, exchanging, or outright trading of Darrens is out of necessity, a slow and fully transparent process. «
- I’m going to have to check my records on this one. «
{ 32 comments… read them below or add one }
One thing you forgot to mention, you must wear really bad shoes if you want to combust. I don’t know what it is, and yes it’s been a topic in my house (don’t ask) It seems that every picture you see of someone who has spontaneously combusted leaves nothing but a big charred spot and some really ugly golf shoes or some similar footwear.
It’s all about the extra added value and consumer awareness after all :)
Don’t forget that being the drummer for Spinal Tap is also bad for combustors.
It has only happened to me once and I think it was related to me running in corduroy pants……
I thought spontaneous combustion was the result of trapped flatulence after consuming large quantities of habanreo chili peppers. I guess that qualifies as an ignition -enhancing agent huh?
So the key word here is spontaneous as in it just happens out of nowhere like magic. I know, we could consult David Copperfield since his career just spontaneously combusted.
I don’t know . . . I’m more of an implosion guy.
Hey, I just had a thoug….(POOF!!!!)
While I’ve never spontaneously combusted, I am quite infamous for spontaneous compulsion. Doe that get me a cookie?
I spontaneously combusted in front of my friends once, they just accused my of planning it.
Hilarious writing. I am impressed at how much you can write about a very funny subject. Great job! Thanks for adding me as a friend. I will stop by often for a much needed laugh.
http://www.ithappenedinplainfield.com
Thanks be to God for the Ominous Comma lest I spontaneously combust like a total amateur.
Actually, I have it on good authority (being as much of an expert here as the author) that the shoes were all very stylish BEFORE the commencement of combustion but that the fire burns them just enough to make them look dorky afterwards.
Ironically, I understand that sitz baths will do the same thing if you wear shoes while sitz bathing.
There needs to be a public service announce declaring the danger of bad shoes.
I’d do it, but I’m spent from all this reader improvement. They don’t change easily you know.
It might get you a mandatory jail sentence.
Only if you take it.
It definitely increases your combustion insurance deductible. It doesn’t do much for your fan base either.
(pause to stop laughing)
I’ll admit the friction is there, but you still need to some source of flammable material.
Was there any wind broken or even bent?
I tried to warn him that Claudia Schiffer was bad luck, but magicians never seem to listen. It must be all that change in their ears.
Well, I guess men are not the only ones who can resort to 11-13 yr old boy humor.
Woow! That’s just messy. Next time bring your own urn.
Or at least an ashtray.
Have you ever formed a singularity out of the gravity of your own greatness?
It’s all the rage these days.
Honey,
I am sure that John understands that these things only happen once; however, I do not think that resorting to 11-13 yr old boy humor is what got him into the trouble. He was probably pumping gas when it happened.
Did they put you out or just add fuel to the fire?
Friends don’t let friends engage in premeditated combustion. It’s just wrong.
Or maybe he was walking across the desert on a horse with no name.
Debbie,
Don’t take it too hard. Having children sucks our brain cells. We can’t think normal after that.
Busted!
You are so right Lynn. I only have one brain cell left for normal functioning.
For Halloween my five year old son was an Indian and he was running around giving everyone their Indian names. My wonderful Indian name was: Yellowpottywater.
Now I understand why she married the dork, all that change in his ears added up to millions. Maybe he could magically get rid of her wrinkles (all three of them) and other imperfections.
Simply Awesome. I’ll be sure to remember that.
Well when you friends with Vietnamese monks they’re not too quick with the fire extinguishers.
They did eventually put me out…
Thank you,
Some would say that the thought of professional blogging itself is inherently humorous but I secretly hope they’re wrong.
Come back anytime you need a giggle.
“I hate for anyone to die embarrassed.”
-Fezzik
The Princess Bride
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