For many, the holiday season is a time of pain and emotional suffering. Broken hearts, ruptured spleens, and damaged livers litter the roadsides of this nominally festive season, leaving untold numbers collecting the discarded refuse like convicts under a particularly cruel sentence of community service.
And always, since the advent of human society, the only cure for such torment has been time. Or occasionally death.
Until now.
This is why Toboggans Industries is inordinately proud to announce it latest life-altering consumer product: Organ Needles.
With Toboggans’ Industries Organ Needles, your delicate innards can be patched, darned, and well on their way to surgical wholeness with only a fraction of the formerly required chronological investment.
Now you can face the new year with confidence and inner-abdominal integrity thanks to your friends at Toboggans’ Industries.
Listen to just a few of countless satisfied customers:
“When I’m elbow deep in a tricky appendecto-embroidery, it’s a real relief to know that since I let my license lapse, I can’t be sued for malpractice. It’s also handy to have a handful of Organ Needles, because using that rusty paperclip makes my fingers cramp so badly that I can scarcely count my money. Thank you Toboggans Industries, you’re a real hand-saver.”
Russell Standish,
Chief of Ornamentation, Squeeky’s Discount Intestinal Repair.
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“In my business I’ve tried every kind of needle made, from cheap remanufactured veterinary models to twelve-gauge industrial hypodermics. For my money nothing beats Toboggans’ Organ Needles. They never shatter, they never ricochet, and they never ever break, not even during the removal of an inadvertent ballistic skeletal embedment. And let me tell you, the vice-grips deliver some real mechanical sheer when you’re yanking one of those babies out of a femur. A lesser needle would snap like a psychotic breakfast cereal, but Toboggans’ Industries Organ Needles hold up every time.”
Dr. Patty Cakebaker,
Tri-Burrow Institute of Pneumatic Acupuncture.
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“With organ thefts on the rise, business has been skyrocketing. I’ve had to schedule double shifts, hire primates, and cancel all vacation and holidays for my staff. The only thing that hasn’t quit on me are my Organ Needles from Toboggans’ Industries.”
Lyndon Brieges,
Owner, Inner ID: Organ Engraving and Tissue Registry
You’ve heard what the experts have to say. Now let Toboggans Industries help you write some success stories of your own. Order your pack of anatomically correcting, occasionally sterile Organ Needles today.
For a limited time, every order of Organ Needles comes with this container of brine-fortified artichoke hearts, so you can practice your stitchery skills and develop professional level confidence without all the blood, mess, and self-anesthetic complications of actual surgery.
Founder and CEO, Dr. Harold Toboggans
This post is just the thing for the countless fractured gall-bladders at humor-blogs.com
{ 31 comments… read them below or add one }
This post just made me stop eating what was otherwise a delicious plate of nachos. Thanks a lot and happy new year.
LOL!!!! i am still, nearly literally, ROTFL ;) dang, i coulda used a box of these the day after Christmas.
do you offer overnight shipping? i might need them tomorrow!!! *teehee*
thanks for the GOOD laugh!!!
HAHA. Wow, this killed me. This entire blog is hilarious.
LOLLLLLLL
Good One!
I’ll possibly Need one after Tonight’s Festivities*
;))
Happy New Year + All da Best to U + yer Family + Friendz in 2008!!
Peace*
Yes they even have a website:
http://www.organ-needles.com/english/
(More then you want to know about needles)
John O.
Hey Doc,
Did you come up with this idea after being run over by Comma 1?
There can no longer be any doubt that Toboggans Industries is THE Growth investment for 2008. (assuming of course that Enron doesn’t make a come-back.) And I’m not just saying that as a single potential investor. No, I am authorized to speak for ALL north-west-central Idaho humor bloggers that I know of.
Hat’s off (unless of course its really cold) to Dr.T
The check is in the mail.
Have a great New Year Brent.
Happy New Year Harry!
Well, I sure fell asleep at the wheel regarding my opportunity of a lifetime. It was all the merriment (and fruitcake) that did it.
Do the organ needles come with little charts like the ones you get to make a sweater? Because I always get “knit” and “pearl” confused, and I don’t want to wind up digesting my food with my hair or something similarly embarrassing.
What a brilliant invention!
I will be over to your house shortly to pick up an order of at least 5,000. No more worrying about those pesky organ failures!
Happy New Year!
-your favorite not-so-ominous journalist
Excellent work!
And a very happy and needle-free new year to you!
Do the organ needles come with a specified thread, I have been using an old coat hanger and some fishing line for all me surgery but people keep telling me there is an alternative thread. Do your needles come with this thread, or is it sold seperately
My neighborhood hosts its very own needle exchange as shown here.
So are you selling these boxed beauties or do I have to get on an organ needle transplant list?
Hi Brent,
Where could I get more information on this products use, pricing and other general facts.
Thanks,
Sarah.
Thank you, Your Lordship. Without you there would be no old in auld lang syne.
Happy New Year.
They also have a town. The more you know about needles they less they can inadvertently impact your life, because knowledge is power.
At least that’s what they told me on TV.
The story I heard was that as the doctor was laying a pool of suffering and transmission fluid, he had a Eureka moment. He realized that he could charge all his clients for balancing and alignment of their personalities.
As an afterthought he patented the needles out from under the School For Wayward Lolcats, who were basing their entire annual budget on bringing them to market.
So you see, every once in a great while the doctor actually makes a positive contribution to the world.
Considering the way he has been plowing into the Christmas turkeys, Holiday hams, and the New Years Crisco log, I would say that growth is pretty much guaranteed.
Here’s to a New Year of gallivanting internet humor.
Cheers. (chokes on a big bite of Crisco.)
An agreeable new start to you as well, Debbie. Here is a deep and typically insightful New Years tip for you:
When you skip our sessions, you get charged double for wasting my valuable therapeutic mental resources. Use your resources wisely and also be prompt to your treatment.
You will be billed for this mini-session at my holiday rate.
Remember, bloggers don’t bloggers drink and stitch.
Weight loss is just one of the many benefits of this insanely valuable product. Stock up while supplies last.
The only way to get a New Years delivery is to invite Dr. T. to your New Years Eve party, and even as valuable as these needles are, they’re not worth it.
Be careful Stephanie, as miraculous as these needles are on living tissues, they are pretty much useless on the dead.
Not that you shouldn’t still purchase a pallet or two for the anatomically challenging first few months of the year.
Preparation is definitely the key to organ health.
The one marked “H” usually works for me. Don’t forget that we have a price break at 7,500, you should probably increase your order.
You have to order the manual separately. It is approximately 2500 pages long and although it is free, shipping and handling is over a hundred dollars.
But is it ever worth it. It includes everything you’ll ever need to know about lung patching, spinal darning, and even a dedicated section on cable stitches. With the help of Toboggans Industries, you can dramatically improve television reception in your spleen.
OMG! OMG! You’d better sign me up for eight copies, in case the first seven get lost in some sort of apocalyptical thingy. Looks like my 2008 is off to a great start!
Oh my dear Harry! I should have known this would happen. I’ve never skipped a session; you just don’t remember me…probably because you fall asleep at exactly two minutes into each session. And then sometimes you are the one that decides not to show up and I still get billed for emergency telepathic therapy…some crap about you having to attend an emergency session with another patient but you still helped me through mental channeling.
They are most definitely for sale. You’ll have to save your milk money though.
The official motto of Toboggans’ Industries is: “With A Name Like Toboggans, It’s Not Gonna Be Cheap.”
The Doctor does all his stitching with 100% spun yak-fur. It’s not easily available, nor is it affordable. It is, in fact, just about the worst thing possible to use for organ repair, but the doctor likes it. He says it reminds him of his childhood days on the Siberian Farm.
Oh that does sound like it would be uncomfortable, there is nothing worse than an itchy liver…
Well Sarah for pricing inquiries and basically all other questions you may use the incredible Ominous Contact Page.
Use it now, I dare you.