Final exams are over and I have successfully passed my classes. (Yeaaa!) I am trying to get back into the swing of professional humor production, so be looking for a good article on Monday.
In the meantime, I have set up a little question and answer session with my tired and somewhat surly self to discuss this whole period of agony I have just completed. If that seems a little schizophrenic to you, then you are clearly not acquainted with the usual proceedings of this site.
Fictional Interviewer: For the sake of any readers just tuning in, I am talking with Brent Diggs, the author of this blog. Mr. Diggs, do you mind if I ask you a few questions.
ME: Go right ahead.
FI: First of all, you are in college.
ME: Is that a question or a statement?
FI: A question.
ME: I mean, if you want to tell the story for me, thatâ€™s fine. Iâ€™ll just be over here taking a little nap.
FI: No, itâ€™s definitely a question. One for you to answer.
ME: So should I answer it?
ME: Yes, I am in college.
FI: And your wife is also in college?
ME: Yes again.
FI: So youâ€™re both in college?
ME: Your firm grasp of the obvious is spellbinding.
FI: And you both work full time?
ME: Thatâ€˜s correct.
FI: And the two of you are raising three kids?
ME: Is this what investigative reporting looks like? I thought it would be taller.
FI: Answer the question, please.
ME: Yes, three kids I have. (Extra points for using Yoda-speak.)
FI: And you publish two different blogs?
FI: Why would you do that to yourself? Work. School. Writing. Are you masochistic or just plain stupid?
ME: Have you ever been shot during an interview? Because if this is an example of your finest work, you might consider wearing Kevlar underwear.
FI: I wouldnâ€™t have to ask all these questions if you would tell us more about your life and family in your blogs.
ME: I just never set out to write a â€œblog,â€ I really just wanted a place to publish my stories and articles and give me a reason to write more of them. I figure the whole Write About my Daily Life thing is pretty much covered.
FI: But you have no problem talking about your life to an imaginary character?
ME: You would do well to keep in mind that imaginary characters can come to very unpleasant, imaginary ends. It happens all the time. Just read Stephen King.
FI: Right! So, what did you miss most during this â€œseason of fireâ€ that you just emerged from?
ME: My wife.
FI: What did you miss second most?
FI: Do you have any plans, now that you are out of class?
ME: I thought I would sleep with my wife. I seem to recall that I enjoyed that.
FI: So is there anything else we should know about? Any other creative projects that youâ€™ve been working on? Anything involving tic-tac poisoning perhaps?
ME: Yes, we are finishing up the Danger Couch DVD, and yes, during some last minute filming over the weekend, I did ingest enough tic-tacs to freshen the breaths of an entire garlic-chugging football team for the next 3 years, along with their cheerleaders, mascot and the complete coaching staff.
FI: And how did that make you feel?
FI: Anything else we should know?
ME: The DVD is almost done. It is tantalizingly close. It has taken much longer than expected, but it will also be much better than expected. Children will laugh, romantics will cry and the jaded will giggle. It just might bring about world peace.
FI: Do you really think a DVD could usher in world peace?
ME: Not really, but if it does we will definitely charge more for it.
FI: Thank you for the interview, Brent. For the Imaginary News Network this isâ€¦Hey, you never gave me a name.
ME: I know. Good-bye.
Have a great weekend everyone. See you Monday.
Debbie what did you think of that interview?
I must say Iâ€™ve never been exposed to such a high and unique level of comedy genius.
So you donâ€™t get out that much eh?
Are you looking forward to the release of the Danger Couch DVD?
Absolutely! It is going to be the most AWESOME package of quality entertainment this side of the equator.
(For the second time in one day the author fell from his seat in uncontrollable paroxysms of laughter.)
You are a genius.
I love you.
Can you hook me up with a DVD at the pre-world-peace price?
The fans fly free for five fun filled fabulous fried ferns.
so what do you do in your free time?
Getting to know my family again, and my local friends. And more writing I hope.
It is my turn to admit that I missed the joke the first time, RJ. Happy weekend to you.
I crushed up your meds in that jar of orange marmalade. Go ahead and eat the entire jar. Oh, and get some sleep.
What? Fording was too busy to do the interview?
Or is it that you were afraid of his â€œhard hittingâ€ form of journalistic prestidigitation?
Speaking of â€œHard Hittingâ€
I ran into your wife today. (Or should I say nearly ran into her)
What I mean is, she changed lanes in front of me. Normally I would have rammed the car thinking it just another little green Subaru. However, at the last moment I noticed your custom hood and realized â€œHey I know this person!â€
All malevolent thoughts immediately left my brain.
We exchanged niceties at the light and like a flash she off to the radio station for her interview.
Fording knows not to cross me when Iâ€™m tired. So he remembered a previous commitment in Bolivia.
As for Camille, even before her interview she is enjoying celebrity status. Itâ€™s a good thing you didnâ€™t run afoul of her bodyguards, their motto is “pound first and ask questions if the victim lives.”
Brent, I think you are remarkably composed.
Frankly, too many questions scare me…
Most people would pull their punches when interveiwing themselves, I usually pull a hamstring.
Were you given the questions in advance?