In keeping with the encouragement and council offered by the recently convened Panel of Funny Bloggers in Search of Income, I made a trip the other day to Barnes and Noble to research magazines that would be honored to publish me.
My first thought was to seek out relatively highbrow magazines like Harpers, Adbusters, and anything by McSweeney’s, to provide me with credibility and income and generally make me feel more literary about myself. However, after perusing several of these fine publications, I quickly changed my mind.
Sure, the writers of these magazines threw around long and impressive words, wrapping themselves in languid layers of language. Sure they were able to bathe their ideas in pools of self-congratulatory prose. Yes, they had everything I ever wanted as a writer, and pay! But there was one hitch:
They actually researched their pieces.
On every page were quotes and statistics and countless other pieces of documentation, all apparently unfabricated. These people tossed around facts in much the same way that politicians issue disclaimers: frequently, thoroughly, and without much obvious effort.
Who knew that writing was so much work?
Stunned by this unexpected setback to my literary pretensions, there was only one direction left to go: back home for a therapeutic round of pouting and surfing of the internet.
Just as I was leaving the establishment, my hopes broken upon the news rack, I spied a publication just perfect to host my unlabored, unresearched, and basically uninformed attempts at literature:
Crappie Magazine.
A more perfect fit for my meanderings could not be imagined… except of course, if the publishers focused less on fish and more on faux-intellectual humor.
However, I am positive that once I’m added to their roster of writers it will only be a matter of time until they are reviewing billboards, quoting Dr. Toboggans, and rewriting each others headlines until they can bludgeon a reader’s attention from across the room.
Be sure to save your money, you will want to subscribe.
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This post has been ruled 33% more crappie than the big fish at humor-blogs.com
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
I would actually suffer the humiliation of purchasing this lovely magazine if they hired you to write a weekly column.
The Ominous Crappie.
It could work…?…
I like “Crappie Comma” better.
Sounds more like a plumbing enthusiast’s magazine, but anything for a byline these days.
Maybe I could write specialty pieces like “Improving your plunging technique” or “23 more advanced flushing strategies.”
I could even give out the Golden Floater Award for excellence in fecal reporting.
I could really warm to this assignment.
Holy crap, that’s funny. There is your religious edge.
(Still laughing hysterically at the Golden Floater Award)
I never knew crap was holy, but I don’t spend a great deal of time examining it.
That’s where Dan Brown got his first shot.
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I have it on good authority that that magazine is a load of crap.
I know, I know. But I thought of it before I read all of the other comments:
Your writing is too good for that crap.
Thanks for the laugh.
That whole research thing does seem awfully cumbersome doesn’t it. crap.
I have been looking for a writing niche and there seems to be a market for crap. Maybe this is my chance.
I can’t, I can’t stop –
these comments are all crap!
I’m sorry I had to say it…
Oh crap, that’s not even what I meant to say — I meant to say these comments all stink, crap, I messed up my poo-poo pun.