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In keeping with the encouragement and council offered by the recently convened Panel of Funny Bloggers in Search of Income, I made a trip the other day to Barnes and Noble to research magazines that would be honored to publish me.

My first thought was to seek out relatively highbrow magazines like Harpers, Adbusters, and anything by McSweeney’s, to provide me with credibility and income and generally make me feel more literary about myself. However, after perusing several of these fine publications, I quickly changed my mind.

Sure, the writers of these magazines threw around long and impressive words, wrapping themselves in languid layers of language. Sure they were able to bathe their ideas in pools of self-congratulatory prose. Yes, they had everything I ever wanted as a writer, and pay! But there was one hitch:

They actually researched their pieces.

On every page were quotes and statistics and countless other pieces of documentation, all apparently unfabricated. These people tossed around facts in much the same way that politicians issue disclaimers: frequently, thoroughly, and without much obvious effort.

Who knew that writing was so much work?

Stunned by this unexpected setback to my literary pretensions, there was only one direction left to go: back home for a therapeutic round of pouting and surfing of the internet.

Just as I was leaving the establishment, my hopes broken upon the news rack, I spied a publication just perfect to host my unlabored, unresearched, and basically uninformed attempts at literature:

Crappie Magazine.

Crappie

A more perfect fit for my meanderings could not be imagined… except of course, if the publishers focused less on fish and more on faux-intellectual humor.

However, I am positive that once I’m added to their roster of writers it will only be a matter of time until they are reviewing billboards, quoting Dr. Toboggans, and rewriting each others headlines until they can bludgeon a reader’s attention from across the room.

Be sure to save your money, you will want to subscribe.

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This post has been ruled 33% more crappie than the big fish at humor-blogs.com