And now, a word from our author:
Of course you would have to know Beth to understand why we would ever brave the terrors of Texas for her wedding. I can’t really help you with that, but here is an uncompromisingly accurate biography of the bride freshly clipped from the DangerCouch MySpace Propaganda Center.
Reader Profile: BethieRose
Today Danger Fans, we are going to pay tribute to one of the greatest readers ever to stalk a VideoComedyMusicEntity like Danger Couch. We are, of course, referring to none other than BethieRose .
Born to a family of itinerate circus performers, Bethie was raised on a tiny atoll in the Pacific Ocean, on an islet so small that upon high tide, all inhabitant had to stand to their feet in order to keep their heads above the surf.
Oblivious to the hardship of her life, Bethie had a happy, yet wet, childhood, filled with the excitement and adventure known only to children at the farthest reaches of civilization. Her daily routine included shark fishing, primitive agriculture, and trapeze practice with her family.
One day a tragic jello explosion rocked the tiny atoll, leaving Bethie as the only survivor.
No one knows how long this blissful existence could have continued if fate had not intervened, but it did. One day a tragic jello explosion rocked the tiny atoll, leaving Bethie as the only survivor. Swearing vengeance upon all gelatin manufacturers, she set out on a quest the would shape the course of destiny.
She traveled around the world, studying every form of warfare available. From arm-wrestling to economics, and from Tai-chi to ping-pong, she mastered them all, studying night and day, fueled by her hunger for revenge.
However, much to her disappointment, she never found any gelatin manufactures. In a shocking development, she discovered instead that no new gelatin had been produced since 1956. Her inquiries revealed that jello and other brands had been for years, freeze-drying and repackaging the tons of uneaten jello found in school and hospital cafeteria around the world, and profiting handsomely from the recycled rubbery rubbish.
Having lived for vengeance for so long, she was lost without the possibility of retribution.
Having lived for vengeance for so long, she was lost without the possibility of retribution. Aimlessly, she drifted around the United States, taking odd jobs. In Tempe she worked as a construction foremen, in Wichita as an oral surgeon, finally she ended up in Atlantic City working as a mob enforcer.
She flourished in her new position, and as “Bethie Sweet Cheeks,” she was soon sending shutters of terror into even the most hardened criminals.
Then one day fate again intervened to change her life forever. Sitting a local emergency room with a vicious paper cut, Bethie heard a sound not usually associated with traumatic injury: she heard laughter. Slowly she hobbled over to a giggling group of doctors and nurses huddled around a computer. There her eyes first beheld the grandeur and spectacle that is Danger Couch.
Instantly, a change came over her as the fires of rage that had fueled her careers up to that point spontaneous extinguished, and a delicate flower of joy grew from the smoldering ashes. (actually, it wasn’t so delicate, it was more of a dominant, heat resistant flower that sucked the heat from the last coals of her anger.)
She left the ER a changed woman, dedicated to making the world a safer place.
Today, she works at the pentagon as a executive assistant, were she enjoys telling the generals where to go. She also does her part to spread the peace engendering comfort of Danger Couch among the military leader of the free world.
A difficult and thankless task to be sure, but Bethie is most definitely the woman for the job.
Happy Friday again.