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I was listening to the radio the other day, searching for relationship advice, when I came across a recent offering by Columbian pop icon Shakira entitled “Hips Don’t Lie.”

Although Wyclef Jean is listed as the original creator of the song, savvy listeners will realize that having an inebriated man chant “Shakira, Shakira” roughly fifty-two times in a three minute song is the truest measure of authorship.

Besides, I didn’t hear his hips saying anything.

Shakira - Un-naked

In this song Ms. Shakira repeatedly declares that her “hips don’t lie,” with great fervency, like a bold election promise.

As a stickler for anatomical honesty myself, I wondered just what it was that her hips were being so truthful about. I imagined myself in a magical daydream land, gracefully moving across the dance floor through the pulsating forest of beautiful, sweaty people in order to ask the singer exactly that. But my overworked imagination could not handle the strain of a such an unbelievable fantasy.

The mental weight of my lacking rhythmic and aerobic fitness quickly wore me out, and my mind derailed onto a more plausible story in which I am instead serenaded by paramedics responding to my cardiac arrest and torn ligaments. Their big number is entitled “Please Don’t Die (In My Ambulance.)”

This led me to the discovery of a multitude of real world / real body hit songs just waiting for an audience. Here are a few songs positively destined for the top of the charts:

(My) Nose Won’t Dry
(My) Gut’s Sure Grown
(My) Teeth Done Gone
(My) Ears Grow Hair
(This) Gas Ain’t Right
(These) Bowels Won’t Move

What songs are you waiting for to climb the charts?