As part of the self appointed mission of this blog, I like to keep a sharp eye on marketing trends, making sure that ad companies keep to the terms of their appropriate government regulations like the Contract with America’s Credit-Cards and the Freedom of Extortion Act.1
One field that I find myself following, particularly in theme parks and shopping malls, is the Buttocks Advertising Industry or as I like to call it Buttvertising Inc.
First brought to my attention by the ever-astute and hyphen-worthy R.J.Light, buttvertising is a fairly new channel of communication that appears to be spreading like a persistent skin-fungus.
First it was hobbies like “cheerleader” or “crochet addict,” then came personal information such as “cutie,” “single,” or “100% fat free.” Frankly, I am afraid to see what will come next on the rear-broadcasting front, which is why I am proposing a new marketing affiliate network to capitalize and regulate this senseless blitz of derrière declarations.
My new ad network, Buttnet, will allow people of the female persuasion, to rent out their backside advertising space to companies seeking the highly valuable, but easily distracted Non-Vision Impaired Male demographic. Ignoring “shapeliness” and other subjective considerations, Butnet will pay instead on the basis of sheer size.2
Still in Beta testing, Buttnet will not use actual printed garments but will rely on special LED micro-fiber weave pants that will act as a wearable reader board. Ads will be sent and monitored using Waistband Wireless, or Wa-Fi, with broadband available for those heavy duty users that require high-volume trousers.
Although I personal don’t relish stooping to this level of advertising, or having to deal with the huge weight of money it will unfortunately create, I feel obligated to take leadership in this field for the collective good of society and underpaid advertising executives everywhere.
- Don’t get me wrong, I like advertising. I think it is particularly generous for huge companies to spend millions of dollars on bad advertising just to provide me with humorous content. ↩
- Using the same pay-by-the-square-inch approach, I will be starting a program for men called Gutnet. Although lacking the inherent biological draw that powers Buttnet, I believe that the program will be profitable simply based of the sheer unavoidability of the adverting space. ↩