As part of the self appointed mission of this blog, I like to keep a sharp eye on marketing trends, making sure that ad companies keep to the terms of their appropriate government regulations like the Contract with America’s Credit-Cards and the Freedom of Extortion Act.1
One field that I find myself following, particularly in theme parks and shopping malls, is the Buttocks Advertising Industry or as I like to call it Buttvertising Inc.
First brought to my attention by the ever-astute and hyphen-worthy R.J.Light, buttvertising is a fairly new channel of communication that appears to be spreading like a persistent skin-fungus.
In fact, there seems to be no limit to what people will display upon their posterior regions.
First it was hobbies like “cheerleader” or “crochet addict,” then came personal information such as “cutie,” “single,” or “100% fat free.” Frankly, I am afraid to see what will come next on the rear-broadcasting front, which is why I am proposing a new marketing affiliate network to capitalize and regulate this senseless blitz of derrière declarations.
My new ad network, Buttnet, will allow people of the female persuasion, to rent out their backside advertising space to companies seeking the highly valuable, but easily distracted Non-Vision Impaired Male demographic. Ignoring “shapeliness” and other subjective considerations, Butnet will pay instead on the basis of sheer size.2
Still in Beta testing, Buttnet will not use actual printed garments but will rely on special LED micro-fiber weave pants that will act as a wearable reader board. Ads will be sent and monitored using Waistband Wireless, or Wa-Fi, with broadband available for those heavy duty users that require high-volume trousers.
Although I personal don’t relish stooping to this level of advertising, or having to deal with the huge weight of money it will unfortunately create, I feel obligated to take leadership in this field for the collective good of society and underpaid advertising executives everywhere.
This post is voluptuously filling out the bottom line at humor-blog.com
- Don’t get me wrong, I like advertising. I think it is particularly generous for huge companies to spend millions of dollars on bad advertising just to provide me with humorous content. «
- Using the same pay-by-the-square-inch approach, I will be starting a program for men called Gutnet. Although lacking the inherent biological draw that powers Buttnet, I believe that the program will be profitable simply based of the sheer unavoidability of the adverting space. «
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The first time I saw someone with a word on her butt I thought to myself…hmmm…does she know she has a word on her butt?…kind of like when you play a practical joke on a co-worker and tape a less than desirable word on his or her back.
Tapping her on the shoulder, I said, “Hey, I just wanted to let you know you have the word JUICY on your butt.”
With a perplexed tilt of the head, she said, “I know, I bought them that way…duh…”
To this day I still do not understand why she wanted everyone to know she had a bad case of diarrhea. A more appropriate word would have been RUNNY or SMELLY but hey…live and learn…
I like the Buttvertising™©® idea but I’m afraid the Gutvertising won’t work out nearly as well. First, guts just aren’t as attractive as butts. And second, even if one does find a gut attractive, it’s almost impossible to sneak a look at a gut without the owner of said gut catching you in the act, since the gut is on the same side of the body as the gut-owner’s eyes … and face. The face could quite possibly be reason number three, for that matter.
And I’m glad to find out the origin of the word “BROADband”. Thanks
“will allow people of the female persuasion”
That there’s some sexist clap trap. I am quite sure I should be paid for the “Sexy” across my pants.
I have another business idea for you. I haven’t seen this marketing on suit pants. I’m certain it’s be a hit when I wore my “cutie” suit to work.
I always thought girls with flat butts wore them to get attention that they otherwise would never receive…
a brief change in the subject:
For the record, (and as I perdicted) Captain America is back, this time they are giving him a gun (Bout time)
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,301459,00.html
I see Buttnet will use the same technology used by NASA engineers to fake the moon landing.
Wait, maybe people with low rider pants can be the first beta-testers?
Me and my enormous azz would like to volunteer for your new ad campaign genius. Will I get money deducted for sitting on my butt too much thusly obstructing the ads?
Great post!
These kinds of pants keep showing up in little miss non-C’s laundry basket. No matter how many times I throw them away they keep coming back. Now that she can make money from it, I will never be able to keep up with it. Thanks a lot!!!! I think I’ll just tape her to a chair or something.
Sorry to leave everybody hanging, but I’ve been working (for actual money) all night and most of the day.
Thank for playing nice.
Happy Weekend
I’m in. What’s it going to cost to get 100 pair with the Radioactive Liberty logo on it? What about crotchvertising? Is there a potential market for that?
You are so right about this! It bugs me that not only companies will encourage this method of advertising, but that parents ALLOW it.
Brent, you did it again! How do you come up with these ideas? I can’t imagine you as a child. What did your Mom say? I’m sure you kept her in stitches laughing so much.
I also enjoy your readers. They all have a great sense of humor.
Love this blog!!
You’re just so funny — okay, so why didn’t I think of buttvertising? I’m thinking to say that I’m a commenter instead of a blogger. I think I help people be funny — don’t you think I should get the assist in humor? I also wrote an article about Alli and the runs…
Oh, and btw, I am not hyphen worthy as much as dash worth –at least I think that is what you are getting at–or is it? Anyway, I think I will make a change on my blog…you might have inspired me…
Maybe the shorts came with her Alli medication.
Oh my goodness Jami, that is just hilarious! I’m very surprised at how relevant that is to my fabricated comment. My favorite part of the article is the “Alli oops” warning.
I’m not familiar with side-effects of that drug, but I’m sure all that blocked fat, cholesterol, and lost-willpower has to go somewhere.
Does it come with rubber undies to contain your weight loss efforts?
I guess it does take the anonymity out of it, but based on the form-fitting, profile-enhancing t-shirts that many Abdominally Endowed men wear,I think they are secretly proud of their calorie packing prowess.
From an advertising standpoint, a flat surface is just more like a billboard.
It’s all about location, location, location
Congratulations Cap, I guess the best defense is high caliber firearms.
I know that’s what they told me at Jarheadland
Well, the campaign is based on eyeball exposure, and for that you have to be in circulation.
Or acquire a transparent seating.
Great secrecy
I’ll supply the tape. I’ve got plenty here.
We tried crotchvertising on a select group of rappers, but they kept covering the ads with their hands. It seems that there is certain level of self-security required to provide adequate results.
As for your logo, I haven’t worked out the advertising rates yet. Let see what I still owe on the Jaguar and I’ll get back to you.
On second thought, after reading my first poorly typed comment, I’d like “it’s be a hit” on the suit pants. Embroidered please.
You never know, your co-workers just might “subscribe” to your ad service just to keep your from wearing it around them.
It’s hard to believe that my parents let me leave the house in parachute pants. It just proves their carefully hidden cruelty.
As part of my completely non-hidden cruelty, none of my youngsters get to leave the house sporting booty-ware.
It’s true that I might stifle their self-expression, but that’s a chance I’m willing to take.
My mom usually said, “Star Trek reruns again? Don’t you have any thing to do outside? It’s almost time for Donahue.”
She had no appreciation for the finer things in life.
Sort of like that time I formed a band to get people to pay us to stop playing?
Oh, you definitely get the assist. Your post on the whole “juicy” business was never far from my mind as I explored this issue.
So it could easily be said that this whole thing is your fault.
As for Alli, I guess I have been blissfully ignorant. I had missed that post and any knowledge of its resulting runs altogether.
I guess it’s the federally sanctioned version of bulimia.
—–
Don’t stop writing, you are very good and quite funny as well.
Exactly. You could have made a fortune selling earplugs.
I have to agree with Brent on this one. I am pretty sure that men would be all in favor of gutvertising catching on, as I feel confident in saying that men LIKE to be checked out how ever they can get it!
attention=approval
At least that’s what they taught me at Fernando Fine’s Institute of Machismo Maxification.
I had a scholarships.
Of course not! The object is to LOSE the weight, not keep it in your rubber pants.
Oh. I guess not.
But it would open up a whole new market for expandable fit pants to accommodates the ever increasing mass inside the vinyl skivvies.
Hmmmm … [dialing number of patent attorney]
I do not doubt the scholarships. ;)