Throughout the history of mankind there have great decisions.1 Mighty decisions. Decisive decisions that have forever altered the fabric of nations and hemmed the garments of destiny. Ponce de Leon took that job in the everglades, Washington crossed the Delaware in a rowboat instead of a catapult, and I…I have decided to blog.
This last revelation will no doubt come as a great shock to those of you who have so far failed to identify this site as a weblog, possibly mistaking it for Crapquest or perhaps the official internet presence of the Government Bureau of Fabricated Statistics.
“Blast it, Janice. You can’t just not make up numbers here. Now go back and try it again.”
So go ahead, put on your glasses, take your medication, chisel the crusted eye-mucus from your pupils. We’ll wait until you can summon the high state of mental acuity required for proper reading and recognition of this blog.
If you’re ready now, we’ll continue.
As briefly alluded to above and outright stated fourteen words ago, the Ominous Comma is a blog. Which makes me, in the most stubbornly literal sense, a blogger.
The key distinction that I have used to separate myself from the weblog wielding masses is that until now, I have never really embraced blogging. In fact, I never intended to go beyond the handshake stage in our relationship. Blogging for me has been more of an accidental encounter, much like mistaking a porcupine for toilet paper in the middle of the night, but without the need for pliers or an antibiotic enema.
As a brief consultation with the About page will reveal, I entered this site as author and although technically I still don’t have a book, or published articles, or even a cabinet full of liquor, I haven’t let that stop me from launching a book signing tour and many other such authorly activities.
A perfect illustration of this stubborn blog-resistance came some time ago over at A-muse-ing, where R.J. posted a survey asking her readers what led them to blog. My response was thoroughly honest, declaring my grand humor career aspirations while secretly scorning those people who admitted to acts of bloggery for the expressed purpose of meeting other people.
“I know people.” I mocked, “Even the people I know, know people, who in turn know other people, and even animals. In fact, I have a full six-degrees of separation with myself!” I declared to my computer, before throwing my head back and reveling in a manly, world-conquest inspired fit of maniacal laughter.
But something happened. The worst thing that can befall a serious author: I started having fun.
And even worse, I met people.
Interesting people. People who check in with me. People who I check in with as well. People who comment and subscribe and blogroll me and send embarrassingly large checks.2
People that like me even more than Sally Fields.
Thanks to these people and their questionable taste in humor, I am forever trapped in a world of mutual admiration and reciprocal reading material.
But I have decided to make the best of it, and to celebrate this acceptance of fate, I am launching myself full-throttle into total blogging mode. Every day next week I will post upon this unsuspecting weblog, going where no blogger has ever gone before. At least without a prescription.3
That’s right, Tuesday and Thursday will get to stand up and take a bow this next week. We’re talking 40% more irrelevance than ever before released on the humble portals of this site. Nothing is sacred, no one is safe, no meme will be left unturned.
First on deck: Marauding Monday.
I will leave you to your weekend, so that you may ponder and perplex over what precisely I may mean by this mysterious and mighty meme.
I’ll be doing the same.
This post is clogging up the blogoshpere at humor-blogs.com
- In all fairness, womankind has made many mighty decisions as well, but since they frequently seem to involve coordinating footwear and distinguishing shades of color that I cannot even see, I must confess that I am thoroughly unqualified to expound upon their highly impressive decision making prowess. «
- Of course I had to create the Department of Ominous Ricochet Recovery when I foolishly tried to cash the checks. «
- Anyone who has been where we’re going was lost. This time it’s intentional. «
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I’m so pumped up!
Give me a b: B
Give me an r: R
Give me an e: E
Give me an n: N
Give me a t: T
What does is spell? Blogger!
A full week of OC blogging? Womankind has never been so lucky!
We warned you, but you wouldn’t listen. You said, “No, no, no. Don’t worry. I can handle it. It’s just recreational blogging. I can quit any time.” And yet, here you are moving on to the hard stuff: full-time blogging. We warned you.
Although this is very good news, I can’t help thinking that there are as-yet-unknown repercussions to this decision, that may affect all of us in disturbing ways.
I care not! Blog on!
Oh, yeah, that’s what I thought, too. I thought I’d amuse my friends while I was recovering from foot surgery. It’s all fun and games until you add the stat-counter and you realize that checking your stats is more fun than… other things that used to be fun but that you can’t remember now. It turns out that blogging is the GATEWAY DRUG and soon, you’ll be writing freelance and consuming vast amounts of coffee and Then. It. Happens.
NaNoWriMo.
Word.
Well, you need to sprinkle some enthusiasm into my blog.I have been MIA lately. I can’t possibly write about the things that are making me laugh these days because it’s scary.
At first I was worried you were jumping ship. It’s good to know you are just diving in.
“People that like me even more than Sally Fields.”
How much DOES Sally Fields like you? (And is she a plural version of the Sally Field of Norma Rae fame?)
And how do you measure how much one likes you?
I’ve always hated the term “blog” Can’t say why, exactly. Maybe because it sounds like something on a menu I wouldn’t order. Or some gross medical term. Let’s all change the name! (I can’t think of anything….)
You may be way cooler than Sally Fields, but you’re no match for the divine Miss Anna Paquin. That said, you’re probably less likely to take out a restraining order against me. Anywho, keep up the good work!
P.S. I took your advice about plagiarism. I’ve got better things to do and more to write, so there’s no point dwelling on it. Thanks for the sage advice!
I wish you all the best with your new endeavour, Mr. Brent.
God help you, and God help us all!
Phew! I feel much the same about blogging- it just sort of happened. But with you on board, it will certainly lend weight to my answers at cocktail parties about my career.
“And what do you do?”
“I’m a blogger.”
(embarrassed silence).
“You know, like Brent.”
“Oh, oh, I see! Well, that’s very exciting!”
Thanks for the help.
I say Hoorayyyyyyyy for you and for us too!!! I can’t wait. I too am starting a new adventure. I am going to be blogging as I travel around the country with my hubby on the truck….this should be an experience that you will be able to garner much humor from. I will check in on Monday if all goes well with my ‘on the road’ connection:D
“We’re talking 40% more irrelevance than ever before released on the humble portals of this site.”
This is what I am looking forward to, because I definitely need more irrelevance in my life.
LOL!
Ok, you got me, hook, line, and sinker with just this one post! I’m a subscriber and I promise, my next post here wont be mindless drivel. Well, it might be drivel, but I’ll at least try to make it interesting, or at the very least, humorous.
Great blog! You’ve got another fan.
Hi Brent! Long time, no see. :)
OMG the last post was so funny. I clicked on the Monday link and laughed at your comment. I have never learned to follow directions. I read them…but not always follow them. :)
Take care and I can’t wait for next week’s surprises!!
Yeah but are you more popular than Dora the Explorer (aka The Smuggling Grinning Serpent) and will you have a bigger historical impact than the Republic of Freedonia?
As your consiglieri, advisor and guider, I proclaim that you invade with a violent combat unit of 12 or so former but able mercenaries suffering from insomnia and paranoia a smallish, landlocked country with no resources (because you know they won’t be defending much) and little or no self-esteem with very ugly people and lotsa fruit – scurvy kills. Then, call the papers and let them know what just happened.
Then, kick back and soak in the 15 minutes. Once that subsides, date the skank of the week on TV.
You’re welcome.
Attaboy.
Sally Field wanted me to tell you how much she adores your blog.
Welcome back to the (sur)real world. Hope you have your spell checker in hand.
Ed
Not to be snarky or anything (OK, maybe just a little, but I can’t help it) perhaps Debbie needs to dial back the happy pill dosage just a touch.
I actually forgot to take my happy pill this morning, thanks for the reminder Jami!
Give me a j: J
Give me an a: A
Give me an m: M …ok, ok, point taken…
haha! i am skeerd about the “as-yet-unknown repercussions” of me even visiting this site AT ALL! *teehee* this is only my first week of lurking and i’m getting the tremors already ;)
im super excited tho…at the thought of someone actually having smoke coiling out of his ears and blisters on his fingers…and permanent latte stains on his teeth (if they’re not there already hehe)–all for the love of blogging! good times!
GO BRENT! =D
I think that was just the chili-cheese milkshake I had for breakfast this morning.
Yes, my amazingly poor spelling still alludes spell-checkers.
I need a super computer to keep me on the straight and narrow.
I need some kind of 12 step program before I do permanent brain damage.
To everyone in range of my RSS feed.
Yes, the stat counter was definitely a mistake. It’s like watching a particularly slow moving hour-glass, filled with crack.
But I am maintaining a safe distance from any writing project with such a hefty acronym.
I noticed you hadn’t had much to say after the article theft incident.
I just that you were sad.
On the bright side, there is a very real market for scary and disturbing humor.
No, just paddling about on my inflatable badger.
I’ve always thought it always sounded like an unpleasant biological function.
As in: “Whew, I feel about ten pounds lighter, I really had to blog!”
Awwww Come On!
I don’t get a smart a** answer?
WHO DRUGGED THIS MAN AND STOLE HIS BLOG RESPONDER?
didja have a bologna sammich with that, too? on white bread with mustard?!
That’s the healthiest way to handle it, unless of course you know some mafia enforcers.
Let’s not panic people. We’re talking about one week of blatant blogging. Hopefully divine intervention will not be required.
But then again, it just might.
Yes, those are just a few of the secret ingredients of the OC Breakfast of Champions.
I’ll have you know that Sally Field likes me. I mean really likes me. She is even letting me hold on to her Oscar, just until I get one of my own.
And she never picks on my spelling. So there.
that’s better
Have no fear, Sally. We are dripping with irrelevance around here.
Good luck. Spouses and confined spaces don’t always go well together.
Chris is being kind. Actually it’s more like a full blown plumbing leak, dowsing all bystanders with luke-warm sprays of triviality.
And that’s on a good day.
Thank you, I have found just the place for my invasion.
Give her my best
Well in hand, good sir. Thank you for your patronage.