Doctor Toboggans has been mercifully absent the last couple of weeks, having received a complementary trip to Australia from one of his clients in order to swim with the legendary great white sharks along the Barrier Reef. Unfortunately for us, it seems that the sharks were on a low arrogance diet and so our fine physician has returned to Comma headquarters in one piece, refreshed and ready to inflict more insight upon a unsuspecting world.
He has been aided in this endeavor by Mr. Brad Shorr, a man I thought would know better, who ignoring all the warnings of nature and every ounce of common sense, has challenged Dr. Toboggans to reveal eight previously and mercifully unknown facts about himself.
If there is one thing Dr. T. likes to talk about more than the pathetic nature of his clients and society as a whole, it is his own superiority. This is exactly why I didn’t trust him to respond to this challenge unsupervised, so I questioned him in the safety and isolation of the Ominous Comma interview booth.
It was a good thing that I did. It appears that moderation falls right behind modesty in the long list of virtues lacking in the doctor.1 Halfway through Fascinating Personal Revelation Number 275, I shot him repeatedly with a tranquilizer gun and trimmed the bloated opus of egotistical ramblings down to the more manageable list that follows.
You may want to jot some of these down just in case there is a quiz later.
- He was born in Western Siberia, to a family of poor yak farmers. It is believed that the peaceful routine of his formative years, planting, watering, and harvesting yaks, strongly contributed to his present condition.
- He attended the Fallingrad School for Peasants where he specialized in fast food and dermabrasion. Reports have surfaced that he was expelled for “Interdisciplinary Convergence” after being caught sterilizing his instruments in deep-fry grease.
- His favorite color is medium-light turquoise.
- He took a lengthy sabbatical among the used sheep dealers of the Alps, after which he published a fascinating study on the finer points of livestock warranty manipulation.
- He took a position as superintendent at the Crimegeezia School for Geriatric Delinquents. This experience became the basis for his first book, The Advantages of Senility in Criminal Reform and Rehabilitation.
- His favorite gemstone is medium-light turquoise.
- He spent two years living among a pack of feral anthropologists where he first formulated his revelationary theories of personal development.
- His favorite flavor of ice-cream is medium-light turquoise.
- Of all his numerous awards, his favorite is the Prince Smarmy Prize for Excellence in Obscure and Impractical Research which he won for his paper, The Aeronautical Properties of Brown Nylon Shoe-Laces in Fairly Humid Weather, Volume 5. The only remaining copy of this work is currently located at the Library of Congress, where it serves as a legislative secret weapon, read only in filibusters, controversial votes, or other situations requiring sudden and strategic unconsciousness of a large group of individuals.
I am not tagging any more bloggers with this meme due to the unfairness of having to follow someone as fascinating yet thoroughly repulsive as Doctor Toboggans. Anything short of a Jerry Springer Redneck Proctology Special would have no chance at competing with the strangely addictive revulsion emitted by our own dear Doctor T.
I think I hear him coming in the door, so everyone go about your business as if nothing has happened. If you own any yaks, you should also consider storing them out of sight.
What are you waiting for, go home before he tries to cure you.
If for some twisted reason you may wish to learn more about the eminently irritating Dr. Toboggans click here. We’ll pretend not watch.
Like a lugie on a hot windshield, this post is slowly drifting down the feed at humor-blogs.com
I really like those dashy things, don’t you?
- The doctor’s list is clearly not alphabetical, but is instead loosely grouped around major character flaws. It is also quite long. ↩