Undead Invaders – Worse Than Toboggans?

As you may remember, my former therapist and portable personal purgatory Doctor Harold Toboggans was recently spotted here in the greater Memphis area.

For those of you who were out of town or have perhaps blocked out such a traumatic memory, what made this event newsworthy was the fact that Doctor Toboggans was hoped presumed dead at the time and thought to be beyond all further unpleasantness, except possibly to his fellow deceased.

Although this depressing revelation was taken as good news by certain deviant devotees of Toboggans, better known for their public lamenting at the Doctor’s facebook shrine than for any attempt at rational thought, among non-masochistic individuals it was received more as an unpleasant shock, the sort of sensation you experience upon discovering you have stepped barefoot into a fresh pile of tofu-garlic jello.

But even as disturbing as his recent reanimation has proven to be, I fear that things are looking even beaker for the bluff city. Thanks to the diligent detective work of fellow1 Memphis Blogger Lindsey from Theology&Geometry, I have learned that the city of Memphis is bracing for a full fledged zombie invasion.

memphis zombie massacre

As a concerned citizen you may wonder just how a major metropolitan area girdles its sagging infrastructure to weather wave after wave of voracious undead visitors.

I can’t speak for other urban centers, but in Memphis the solution seems to lie in the proper application of complete apathy.

Of the several city officials I’ve questioned about the possible existence of a Zombie Preparedness Plan, all have claimed ignorance. Although this may well be the first honest and accurate self-assessment in the city’s long political history, it does little to safeguard us non-decomposing citizens against the hordes of reanimated tourists soon to be cruising Beale street in search of a snack.

It also leaves the matter of our survival in the hands of vigilante organizations like the Shelby Metro Zombie Response Unit, a thought not altogether comforting to people who prefer their armed defenders, if not licensed, at least shaved.

Of course I personally have nothing against any group as highly armed and deadly intent as the SMZRU, especially if they’re reading this now, but just the same I wish we had a backup plan. Something packing a little more firepower than mere mortals can bring to bear.

Tokyo has Godzilla, New York has new yorkers, if only Memphis had some sort of monster or natural disaster it could aim at this approaching apocalypse.

Something amazingly horrible.

Something with recent death experience.

Something perhaps, with a moustache…

A Hair in my Oatmeal

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  1. Always a connoisseur of professional linguistism, I am baffled by the lack of gender-neutral alternatives for this word. Or even feminine derivatives. She-fellow?  Shvellow? Sh’fello? Somebody throw me a bone here.

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41 Responses to Undead Invaders – Worse Than Toboggans?

  1. Dale the Chalupa says:

    re: the lack of gender-neutral alternatives for this word [fellow] –

    Main Entry: fellow
    Part of Speech: noun
    Definition: male or female colleague, friend
    Synonyms: assistant, associate, cohort, companion, compeer, comrade, concomitant, confrere, consort, coordinate, counterpart*, coworker, double, duplicate, equal, instructor, lecturer, match, mate, member, partner, peer, professor, reciprocal, twin

  2. Roann says:

    This Zombie parade is the strangest thing about Memphis (which has an unusually high percentage of strange things, as you sometimes point out). I was at the gallery on Main Street a few years ago when they started coming down the street — so many people, so much face paint and fake blood! I have never seen anything like it, even at Mardi Gras in my hometown. Not to question the dear Dr., but I don’t know if he can hold them back, even with his moustache!

    • Brent says:

      -Come on now. Midnight vigils at Graceland, the Statue of Liberation at Winchester and Kirby, John Ford? After all that, people in makeup for a day seems pretty normal. And P.S. never ever question the power of the moustache.

  3. jeolmstead says:

    It occurs to me how the whole thing would make a really good sermon illustration.

    The whole zombie thing is somewhat a commentary of the state men alive with out a relationship with God.

    The whole thing about eating brains so typifies the quest for gaining knowledge in all the wrong places.

    Yep, left to our own, we are as dumb as a box of hammers, and, zombies definitely are not known for their superior mental ability.

    I can see a whole series develop. It would be somewhat like the resident evil plot.

    The story goes like this:

    The heroes struggle through that land of the living dead searching for the cure to the disease afflicting all mankind.

    Perhaps they come upon a sealed building full of the living (a church perhaps?) and those inside lock the doors for fear that they might catch it.

    Or maybe they do get in, only to find that dead religious zombies are worse then those running amuck in the countryside.

    (oops I guess I better not preach this one)

    • Brent says:

      -Too true. Everyone know how contagious “worldliness” is. That’s why we must lock our doors and hide away from those who need our help, just like Jesus did… Oh wait, I guess he didn’t. Maybe we need to find a more practical leader.

  4. Debbie ~ says:

    Are you sure this is not just a casting call for the latest Quiten Tarintino flick?

    Forget about the brain eating zombies…it’s the fresh pile of tofu-garlic jello that sends a cold slimy chill down my spine.

    Go get ’em Dr. T! I have complete faith in your quest for Zombie extinction.

    (So Brent…would you attend such and event?)

    • Brent says:

      -Oh no, I don’t relish the role of an horderve. Doctor Toboggans however would make a great appetizer. Not that anyone would eat him, I couldn’t get that lucky. But he’ll be there just the same.

      • ~Debbie says:

        Dr. T may have to disguise himself as a zombie to go undetected. Should be pretty easy for him eh?

  5. Chris says:

    Having never been to Memphis, I’m now in no hurry to do so (not that I ever was, actually). But now it’s on the “must-see” list of places to vistit after I’m dead.

    A female “fellow” is a “fellette”, of course.

    Have fun,

    Chris

    • Brent says:

      -As in Chick-Fellette? Interesting. And Memphis can definitely wait until after death. It’s probably better that way.

  6. Mike Pannell says:

    I totaly agree with Chirs. I might visit after I am dead.

  7. C. Fraser says:

    “Tokyo has Godzilla, New York has new yorkers, if only Memphis had some sort of monster or natural disaster it could aim at this approaching apocalypse.”

    Didn’t Memphis have Elvis? Do you know if he will be attending the march?

  8. jeolmstead says:

    All Memphians know that Elvis is not really dead,

    As far as Natural disasters go, come to Memphis in July and you would think you are in hell, except for the excessive humidity.

  9. Camille says:

    Poor Debbie. Why did you taunt her like that Brent? You big meanie! You know better than to mention the “j” word.

    • Brent says:

      I don’t know, just to see if she was listening I guess.

      • Debbie ~ says:

        I’m always listening…(ok that was kind of creepy!)

        • Brent says:

          Do you have some sort of permit for this or is it another recently disclosed provision of the patriot act?

          • ~Debbie says:

            It’s under the controversial “sneak and peek” provision. Y’know the kind they use on partisan members of congress! So be careful what you say…(do I shudder?)

    • Debbie ~ says:

      So glad you take care of me Camille.

      • ~Debbie says:

        Camille?

      • Camille says:

        Sorry Debbie,
        My computer broke and I have only had the one at work and work has been really busy, sooooo…that is my excuse. I was going to go with the dog ate my computer, but I used that one already:)

        Of course I have your back when it comes to all things that start with the dreaded “j.” Brent needs to take care how he mindlessly tosses around five letter words.

  10. So you would deal with one great evil to defeat another?
    One must ask, is it really worth it?

    • Brent says:

      In a perfect world there would be no Toboggans. So if we can somehow eradicate his presence form this planet, even if it takes zombies, it will be a step in the right direction.

  11. Alex L. says:

    Tobboggans and the undead… I can see some great marketing and product ideas here.

  12. Camille says:

    Maybe we will get lucky and the zombies will eat Dr. T!

  13. I had no idea you had a Facebook shrine. Well, there goes my whole day as I go following yet another fictional figure (after the whole Ashton Kutcher Twitter debacle). Thanks.

  14. I can’t wait for the zombie apocalypse. I’ll finaly be able to go out and start shooting monsters for real ;)

  15. Lord Likely says:

    Dr. Toboggan’s and the undead are much alike, really. Both will feast upon your brains and drain you of all life, and both reek of rotting flesh.

  16. Tori Deaux says:

    So, today I drop in on my favorite HUMOR blog, and what do I find? That Brent has mixed up his H’s and confused humor with horror. Zombies *and* Dr. Toboggans!?! Oh the HUMANITY! (get it? it’s another H word)

    It’s just too, too frightening for a poor brain blogger like myself. I’m afraid I’ll either be analyzed to death or torn to ribbons in the streets, then served with favabeans.

    (I wonder which would be worse?)

  17. This porridge with moustache looks funny :pp