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As you may remember, my former therapist and portable personal purgatory Doctor Harold Toboggans was recently spotted here in the greater Memphis area.

For those of you who were out of town or have perhaps blocked out such a traumatic memory, what made this event newsworthy was the fact that Doctor Toboggans was hoped presumed dead at the time and thought to be beyond all further unpleasantness, except possibly to his fellow deceased.

Although this depressing revelation was taken as good news by certain deviant devotees of Toboggans, better known for their public lamenting at the Doctor’s facebook shrine than for any attempt at rational thought, among non-masochistic individuals it was received more as an unpleasant shock, the sort of sensation you experience upon discovering you have stepped barefoot into a fresh pile of tofu-garlic jello.

But even as disturbing as his recent reanimation has proven to be, I fear that things are looking even beaker for the bluff city. Thanks to the diligent detective work of fellow1 Memphis Blogger Lindsey from Theology&Geometry, I have learned that the city of Memphis is bracing for a full fledged zombie invasion.

memphis zombie massacre

As a concerned citizen you may wonder just how a major metropolitan area girdles its sagging infrastructure to weather wave after wave of voracious undead visitors.

I can’t speak for other urban centers, but in Memphis the solution seems to lie in the proper application of complete apathy.

Of the several city officials I’ve questioned about the possible existence of a Zombie Preparedness Plan, all have claimed ignorance. Although this may well be the first honest and accurate self-assessment in the city’s long political history, it does little to safeguard us non-decomposing citizens against the hordes of reanimated tourists soon to be cruising Beale street in search of a snack.

It also leaves the matter of our survival in the hands of vigilante organizations like the Shelby Metro Zombie Response Unit, a thought not altogether comforting to people who prefer their armed defenders, if not licensed, at least shaved.

Of course I personally have nothing against any group as highly armed and deadly intent as the SMZRU, especially if they’re reading this now, but just the same I wish we had a backup plan. Something packing a little more firepower than mere mortals can bring to bear.

Tokyo has Godzilla, New York has new yorkers, if only Memphis had some sort of monster or natural disaster it could aim at this approaching apocalypse.

Something amazingly horrible.

Something with recent death experience.

Something perhaps, with a moustache…

A Hair in my Oatmeal

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  1. Always a connoisseur of professional linguistism, I am baffled by the lack of gender-neutral alternatives for this word. Or even feminine derivatives. She-fellow?  Shvellow? Sh’fello? Somebody throw me a bone here.