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Awakening At Last

I woke with a start, my sleep shattered like a fortune cookie in a sledgehammer factory.

Wiping the crusts from my eyes, my mind filled with the usual questions:

How long had I been out?

Where did October go?

And worst of all…

doctor toboggans outfit

Why were Doctor Toboggans‘ clothes strewn all over my house?

I wasn’t sure I wanted the answers.

….Unless of course I could somehow blame LOBO.

DrToboggans.com – From Dream To Disturbing Reality

Good people of the internet, I bring you troubling news.

For two-and-a-half years I have taken it upon myself to contain Doctor Harold Toboggans and his hideous plague of smugness, vitriol, and sheer arrogance, using myself and this site like a human shield, or more appropriately, like a military grade petri dish.

Poor Infected Blog

But all bad things must come to an end eventually, and Doctor Toboggans has decided that The Ominous Comma is just not big enough for the both of us.

And his ego.

So he has created his own headquarters at mindovermemphis.org, scorning all my efforts to assist him in design, aesthetics, or usability.

The results are not pretty.

It’s definitely not web 2.0.

I’m not sure it’s even web .0002.

It is, like everything else about him, painfully tacky.

I know you will want to rush out and see this new eyesore of the interwaves right away, but be careful, Toboggans is no one to be trifled with.

Even Google seems to be no match for our Doctor.

Witness how quickly he got his Google account reinstated after I had it banned on Gmail last week.

But if you simply must visit his new site, I think this Saturday would be a relatively safe time. I hear from reliable sources that he will be out and about in Memphis filming  interviews for his new video series.

Remember, now that he is out on his own, it will be more important that ever to help me keep an eye on Dr. Toboggans on the major social networks. Please befriend him here:

faceboggans-200

youtob-200

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Twitter

And report back to me with any suspicious activities you observe.

Happy Friday-Eve

-Brent

Cerebitol AZ – Anti Zombie Patch

Sometimes incredible just isn’t good enough.

Last May, when the revolutionary Zombies Anonymous program was introduced, it was met with rave reviews and hundreds of overjoyed customers.

Dr Toboggans and patient

But Doctor Harold Toboggans wasn’t satisfied.

He knew that there must be something more, something that he and the dedicated staff at Toboggans Industries could do to relieve those reanimated wretches from their undead suffering and unspent cash.

He thought deeply

He released directives and commissioned programs.

He reorganized the corporation, refinanced the lab, and refolded his socks.

And then, after nearly a full day of grueling research and untold minutes of clinical trials, Doctor Toboggans introduced Cerebitol AZ – the ultimate topical application anti-zombitory patch.

Anti Zombie Patch Box

Cerebitol AZ – Anti Zombie Patch

Made from synthetic neurotransmitters and genuine cranial extracts, Cerebitol AZ offers unprecedented 12 hour freedom from the symptoms of zombieism.

With Cerebitol AZ you can:

  • Control your craving for brains
  • Cut down on between meal snacking
  • Gain relief from the discomfort of Chronic Deceased Syndrome

Don’t believe it? We don’t blame you, but see for yourself as Doctor Toboggans demonstrates Cerebitol AZ on the undead citizens of Memphis.

Anti Zombie Patch

With the combined power of Cerebitol AZ and Zombies Anonymous, not to mention the limitless genius of  Doctor Harold Toboggans, you can at last leave your lurching lust for human tissue behind.

Only from Toboggans Industries – Life Improvement for the Success Deficient.

The Caption Contest Winner – A Tale Of Joy

And it came to pass that when the storm of voting subsided, a winner emerged from the soggy ruins of digital democracy to claim his crown and the due honor that accompanied it.

And the people rejoiced, for they had secretly feared that the voting might continue unto their children and their children’s children and their children’s children’s children until all posterity cursed them for ever starting the thing in the first place.

angry-kid

And the beloved scribe came forth to announce the winner to the people that peopled that land and when he looked upon those people he took a long and thoughtful pause.

And the people began to plot together how they might stuff his head into a large bucket of gelatin dessert, but the scribe awoke before they could act and with haste announced the winner.

And he said to them:

“The winner is Wonderboy.”

And the people rejoiced again and ate the half-set gelatin and returned to their homes very pleased for Wonderboy.

The end

Congratulations Wonderboy, for your fine caption writing skill you shall be awarded your very own copy of DangerCouch and the Tinsel of Doom, a stunningly exciting DVD of happiness. Contact me to claim your prize.

Happy Saturday everyone

Doctor Toboggans Lives – Caught On Video

Welcome my friends to the second anniversary of that fine institution of questionable literary achievement; the icon of irony, the paragon of punctuation, and the winner of the Cadbury Award of Merit for most gratuitous uses of the word “of” in a sentence: The Ominous Comma.

I don’t mind telling you that this is an event of unparalleled achievement; never in that annals of internet history has there been such an continuous streak of unthrottled ridiculousity.1

This is a day of such magnificent splendor that no possible event or discovery could ever diminish the glow of joy within my–

We interrupt your previously scheduled Anniversary Celebration to bring you the following Urgent News Development:

Doctor Harold Toboggans has been found.

After an unexplained six-month absence, self-renown psychologist and internet racketeer Harold toboggans was spotted by several witnesses today at a Memphis area park.

A visiting group of crypto-biologists in town searching for Elvis recognized Toboggans from his multiple appearances on America’s Least Wanted and recorded this home video of their unsettling discovery.

Authorities consider Toboggans unarmed but extremely unpleasant and urge caution to any who come in contact with him.

We now return you to your post, still in progress.

…and that is it is so absolutely crucial that you instantly apply what I just told you.

I wasn’t suppose to ever share the secrets of effortless financial security with anyone, and once the other illuminati discover that I’ve told you, they will be after my blood, but these are dark times and I can’t let my favorite readers suffer while I alone enjoy the benefits of unimagined wealth, now can I?

After all, you’d do the same for me. Right?

Don’t let anyone you care about get caught unaware by Dr. T. Spread the word on humor-blogs.com, Blogerella, and anywhere else people will listen.

Stay informed of Doctor Toboggans whereabouts and other late-breaking developments
Subscribe to The Ominous Comma today.

  1. A fact mainly due to my continued avoidance of the Internet Throttling Committee, whose various injunctions, subpoenas, and swat teams I have so far managed to elude.