Good people of the internet, I bring you troubling news.
For two-and-a-half years I have taken it upon myself to contain Doctor Harold Toboggans and his hideous plague of smugness, vitriol, and sheer arrogance, using myself and this site like a human shield, or more appropriately, like a military grade petri dish.
But all bad things must come to an end eventually, and Doctor Toboggans has decided that The Ominous Comma is just not big enough for the both of us.
And his ego.
So he has created his own headquarters at mindovermemphis.org, scorning all my efforts to assist him in design, aesthetics, or usability.
The results are not pretty.
It’s definitely not web 2.0.
I’m not sure it’s even web .0002.
It is, like everything else about him, painfully tacky.
I know you will want to rush out and see this new eyesore of the interwaves right away, but be careful, Toboggans is no one to be trifled with.
Even Google seems to be no match for our Doctor.
Witness how quickly he got his Google account reinstated after I had it banned on Gmail last week.
But if you simply must visit his new site, I think this Saturday would be a relatively safe time. I hear from reliable sources that he will be out and about in Memphis filming interviews for his new video series.
Remember, now that he is out on his own, it will be more important that ever to help me keep an eye on Dr. Toboggans on the major social networks. Please befriend him here:
And it came to pass that when the storm of voting subsided, a winner emerged from the soggy ruins of digital democracy to claim his crown and the due honor that accompanied it.
And the people rejoiced, for they had secretly feared that the voting might continue unto their children and their children’s children and their children’s children’s children until all posterity cursed them for ever starting the thing in the first place.
And the beloved scribe came forth to announce the winner to the people that peopled that land and when he looked upon those people he took a long and thoughtful pause.
And the people began to plot together how they might stuff his head into a large bucket of gelatin dessert, but the scribe awoke before they could act and with haste announced the winner.
And he said to them:
“The winner is Wonderboy.”
And the people rejoiced again and ate the half-set gelatin and returned to their homes very pleased for Wonderboy.
Congratulations Wonderboy, for your fine caption writing skill you shall be awarded your very own copy of DangerCouch and the Tinsel of Doom, a stunningly exciting DVD of happiness. Contact me to claim your prize.
Welcome my friends to the second anniversary of that fine institution of questionable literary achievement; the icon of irony, the paragon of punctuation, and the winner of the Cadbury Award of Merit for most gratuitous uses of the word “of” in a sentence: The Ominous Comma.
I don’t mind telling you that this is an event of unparalleled achievement; never in that annals of internet history has there been such an continuous streak of unthrottled ridiculousity.1
This is a day of such magnificent splendor that no possible event or discovery could ever diminish the glow of joy within my–
We interrupt your previously scheduled Anniversary Celebration to bring you the following Urgent News Development:
After an unexplained six-month absence, self-renown psychologist and internet racketeer Harold toboggans was spotted by several witnesses today at a Memphis area park.
A visiting group of crypto-biologists in town searching for Elvis recognized Toboggans from his multiple appearances on America’s Least Wanted and recorded this home video of their unsettling discovery.
Authorities consider Toboggans unarmed but extremely unpleasant and urge caution to any who come in contact with him.
We now return you to your post, still in progress.
…and that is it is so absolutely crucial that you instantly apply what I just told you.
I wasn’t suppose to ever share the secrets of effortless financial security with anyone, and once the other illuminati discover that I’ve told you, they will be after my blood, but these are dark times and I can’t let my favorite readers suffer while I alone enjoy the benefits of unimagined wealth, now can I?
After all, you’d do the same for me. Right?
Don’t let anyone you care about get caught unaware by Dr. T. Spread the word on humor-blogs.com, Blogerella, and anywhere else people will listen.