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Powerful New Weight Loss System

New from Toboggans Industries comes fast acting Adhesi-Core DT – the most powerful weight loss system in the known world.

Best Weight Loss Product Around

Adhesi-Core DT adds patented fat blockers and protein prevention to its already proven carb inhibitors for rapid weight loss without counting calories or unpleasant exercise.

Begin your weight loss today with Dr. Toboggan’s painfully easy three step system:

  • Measure out a generous quantity of Adhesi-Core DT calorie blocking strip from the handy Dispensing Roll™ and carefully tear it off.
  • Apply the strip just below the nose, and slightly above the chin.
  • Serve up all the same foods you normally would, and watch the pounds melt away.

Approved by the American Society of Easily Corrupted Experts, Adhesi-Core DT is proven to block dangerous trans fats, cholesterol, and even sodium for a leaner physique and a healthier you.

Janet C. of Columbia, Utah lost 177 pounds using Adhesi-Core DT and continues to use it today to keep those pounds far away. Listen to her rousing testimonial:

“hmmmm mmm mmmbm hmm bmbmb mmmm mm hmm bhmm mmkmm mm mmmm mkmmm bmmm mmhm mmm mmm gmmm mmm mhmm mmmfm mmmm hm mmm wmmm mmbmmm hmm bmbmb mmmm mm hmm bhmm mmkmm!!”

That’s right Janet, Adhesi-Core DT is the best weight loss system in the world, simply because it works.

Call today to receive Adhesi-Core DT for sixty low daily payments of $19.75. Act now and receive this new S-1000 Adhesi-Core removal tool absolutely free.

Removal Tool

Don’t wait, operators are standing by, eager to put you on the path to sexy slimness and eternal youth.1 Call now.

Known side effect include: adhesive build up, asphyxiation, and difficulty applying lipstick. Consult your checkbook to see if Adhesi-Core DT is right for you.

  1. This statement has not been evaluated by the FDA, however several MBAs thought it sounded great.

Refund Offered For Unused Turn Signals

News Lite:
98% Less Factual Information Than Regular News

Memphis– Representatives from six major automakers met with the Memphis Area Recycling Service today to conclude negotiations on turn a signal recycling agreement. With sales in a continuing slump, auto manufacturers are seeking new opportunities to cut costs and increase profits. “We are very excited about the potential of this deal,” said Toyota representative, Rick Spudnicker, “Memphis has a staggering wealth of unused turn signals.”

Car owners are being asked to remove their own turn signals and bring them to collection points located all over the city. Refund amounts range between $50 and $200 depending on the make and models of the vehicle. “We couldn’t do this is most communities,” said Spudnicker, “but here in Memphis, these turn signals will never be missed.”

This report brought to by

The Endowment for the Mentally Endowed
“Because smart people need jobs too.”

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Webster’s To Reclassify ‘Nuclear’ As Two Syllable Word

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Cleveland- Dictionary publisher Webster’s Inc. today announced that it will reclassify ‘nuclear’ as a two syllable word. Company owner, John Q. Webster, great grandson of original dictionary author Nathaniel Webster, said that the move was “natural and logical, in keeping with popular usage, and in no way connected with the large number of armed men occupying our office.”

When asked about extensive homeland security investigations and warrantless wiretaps aimed at the company in recent months, White House officials said that although they could not give specifics, they were following definite connections with al-Quaeda, Weight Watchers and other terrorist organizations and that any intimidating effects felt by Webster’s were purely coincidental.

This report brought to you by:

The Association of Ill Informed Angry Persons
“Who needs facts when you’ve got rage.”

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Previous story: CEO Gets Severance After 45 Minute Stint

CEO Gets Severance After 45 Minute Stint

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Chicago- Dynateknomatic CEO, Lance Corpuscle, resigned yesterday after holding the job for a little over forty-five minutes. He is scheduled to receive a $210 million severance package for what a Dynateknomatic spokesman called “his long commitment to this company.”

In a prepared statement this morning Corpuscle said “Even before I took the job, I was committed to the goals, traditions and large executive compensations of this company. It is truly a leader in its chosen field of doing whatever it is that it does”

In response to critics who contend that Corpuscle never executed anything during his brief tenure at the company, Dynateknomatic released a statement as well, stating that “A CEO’s very presence at a company emits strong leadership, lulls investors, and calms troubled markets. In this capacity, Mr. Corpuscle has added substantial value to this company.”

Corpuscle’s departure follows the two week reign of previous chief executive, John Capital. He will be replaced by James Newwhipple, current VP in charge of government subsidies. Newwhipple has also released a statement stating that his first task as CEO will be to track down where all the prepared statements go after being released, and also to discover the source of Dynateknomatic’s record-setting unprofitably.

This report has been brought to you by:

The Pan-Atlantic Commission on Global Flatulence
“Clearing the air on personal emissions since 2001”

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