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One of the hazards of maintaining an internet presence like the Ominous Comma is the influx of unwanted correspondence, or as we web-literate author-types call it, spam.

Since its inception, this site has been gloriously spam-free, mainly due to the rigorous pre-comment interrogation conducted on each would-be comment-maker to screen out cheese laden opportunists.

However, Anita over at Say No to Crack suggested that I would receive more feedback from eager young readers, if I removed some of the more cumbersome commenting impediments, such as having to list mother’s maiden name, dog’s father’s name, and offshore account number with current balance and interest rate.

Although I was making good money with the offshore account information, I decided to try her suggestion and it seems to be working so far in encouraging new commentors to contribute to the cohesive confusion that is the Comma.

Strangely enough, many of the pharmaceutical marketers that infest the internet also had feedback for me, mostly regarding antibiotics and MEP.

MEP is of course, a clever new acronym for Male Enhancement Products that I just made up in an effort to keep my authorly skills sharp and ready for action.

Fortunately, visitors to this site never have to see those rouge advertisements, because I have the spam-slamming power of Akismet at my disposal. Akismat, as many people know, is a powerful spam-filtering plug-in that frisks every incoming comment, and throws the suspicious looking ones into a holding cell, so I can drop by later and mock them in their humiliation.

You can find Akismet here where it sells for the low, low price of free. But in a special one day only promotion, Matt Mullenweg is offering a $250 rebate to each person who downloads and installs this amazing product.1

Okay, I made that last part up, but it’s still a great plug-in.

Anyway, in the name of brave blogging, web-mastery, and the morbid curiosity that usually accompanies train wrecks, I was admiring my collection of apprehended spam when I started to wonder.2

What I was wondering about is:

What if male enhancement products actually made you more male?

Having so far lived my entire life in one-hundred percent maleness, why I asked, would I want to be any more male than I already am?

Are there bonus points involved? Perhaps frequent flyer miles?

Then I began to wonder about the practicalities of enhanced maleness. Other than shaving several times a day, what would I do with my extra-manly nature?

I decided that the first thing I would probably do would be to gather up all maps, atlases, and even globes in my possession, and burn them in a resounding fire. As an Enhanced Man, I would be the sole source of directional information in my entire household.3 To further ensure that fact, I would remove all window cranks and controls from vehicles at or near my house, so that no one, like my wife for example, would be tempted to seek supplementary destinational guidance.

I decided that I might also carry duct tape in each car, just in case there was a window breakage emergency.

Now please understand that I am in no way suggesting that a shattered window can be repaired simply with duct tape. No, the tape is for my wife, to make sure she is not somehow lured into consorting with enemy suppliers of roadside information.4 The window would have to wait for a trained professional.

The next thing I would do would be to physically inspect every toilet seat in the house and permanently end the age-old debate of up versus down, by delicately lowering each of them into a seated position in the bonfire, right on top of the burning maps.

Finally, I would cover every exposed surface in the house with dirty clothes. This is actually much harder than it sounds, and might even require me to dump entire drawers of clothing outside in the mud to achieve the desired coverage, but I am sure that my enhanced male ingenuity would be up to the task.

I was still imagining the life of enhanced manliness when my wife stepped into the writing room, searching for the TV remote. It took me several seconds to return to reality, at which point I humbly dug it out from under a pile of dirty clothes where I had hidden it. As I reluctantly handed over the symbol of manly prerogative, I realized that when it comes to maleness, one-hundred percent is often more than sufficent.

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  1. In keeping with the highest standards of fair and honest bloggery, I must disclose that this statement is completely untrue, and you would be wise to disbelieve it.
  2. These instances of wonderment, are where those that know me best usually head for the nearest exit, but I am counting on the fact that you, dear reader, don’t know me that well, or if you do, that your browser is not responding right now, and so will continue on with me to see what it is I was wondering about. Which is sure to be fascinating, although possibly in a painful way.
  3. Whether or not I would attempt to bring down GPS satellites from orbit as a preventative measure, would strictly depend upon the dosage of MEP in question.
  4. If you are unsure of how to apply duct tape in a communication preventing fashion, you can find a simple method here.