Select Page

People are always coming to me, asking to borrow large sums of money, in spite of the obvious fact that as a author I am monetarily under qualified for such arrangements. This has inspired me to develop the following mildly brilliant, yet amazingly simple procedure for raising vast quantities of cash quickly and easily. Once you discover my foolproof system, you too will be impressed with how easy it is to quickly raise money.

1. Acquire a large sum of money. Borrowing from absent-minded millionaires is the recommended procedure, but don’t rules out lotteries, bake sales, and liquors stores. Be sure to consolidate all funds into a single bag or briefcase.

Never underestimate the power of showmanship for adding credibility to your skill set…

2. Grasp the bag or briefcase firmly with both hands. Rosin and/or lifting gloves are not really required, but can provide a nice theatrical touch if your audience seems skeptical of your fiduciary leveraging abilities. Never underestimate the power of showmanship for adding credibility to your skill set.

3. Plant your feet and assume the correct lifting stance. I recommend an uncomfortable squatting posture, one that gives the impression that you’re hovering above a particularly unsanitary toilet. Have a friend or partner check your stance for grace, balance, and finesse. If any of these are found, start over immediately.

4. Hoist the money. Be careful to lift with the legs and not just the back, keeping in mind the many individuals who have had their monetary raising careers cut short by lower back injuries. “Take care of your back and it will take care of you,” is the mantra of successful cash lifters everywhere. That is why many of them employ professional Swedish masseuses for their post-lifting recovery. When selecting a Swedish masseuse for yourself, be sure to that all candidates you interview have proper qualifications, like large, hairy forearms and a masseuesly name such as Helga, Frieda, or George.

5. Raise the money as high as required. Exceeding head-level will qualify you as a major fundraiser, putting you in high demand with political parties, universities, and previously unknown heirs.

As you can see, there is nothing preventing you from becoming a serious currency ascender, except perhaps a lifting belt. Yes, you too can have all the honor, prestige, and dining invitations that accompany a life of full-time financial elevation. It’s never too late to start. Begin you monetary heavery today.