Best of the Comma Commentary

A Bill From My Body

Good morning,

We are writing you in regards to your sudden and unexpected participation in the annual Moving of the Files festival held at your company yesterday. During this event you carried a large number of impressively heavy boxes of paperwork, up not one but two flights of stairs, and into the attic in an ill-conceived attempt to reacquaint us with the joys of physical labor. This situation was further exacerbated by a complete and utter failure to stretch or warm-up in any fashion.

We feel it necessary to remind you of the accumulated years and excessive wear you have subjected us to. And so this notice is to inform you of certain fees and penalties you can expect as a result of your thoughtless actions.

Your activities have created a level of lactic acid greatly exceeding our capacity to efficiently remove, and so you may expect 4-7 days of muscle stiffness, cramping, and associated misery.

Unfortunately, you have also exceeded the lower body’s mileage allowance for the month, resulting in a surcharge of joint pain, to be collected at the knees and hips, as well as an Insufficient Support Fee, payable in the form of long-lasting discomfort in the arches of both feet.

In blatant disregard for years of documented findings, you again failed to utilized correct lifting procedures. You repeatedly refused to lift with the legs, and by doing so, subjecting the back to workloads disproportionate to its functioning capacity. You may expect shooting pains down each leg as well as the complete inability to twist or bend the upper body for some time to come.

We recommend that for the next couple days, you cut out all non-critical activities such as walking, tai-chi, or getting out of bed.

In the future, please inform us of upcoming physical exertions using the usual forms, filled out in triplicate and submitted a full twenty-one days in advance.

We regret any discomfort your foolishness will soon cause you, and look forward to a long and wiser working relationship in the coming years.

-Your body


Ten Ways to Not Get Mugged

Crime is rampant, very rampant, even people who have never once used the word rampant, much less several times in the same sentence, agree that if anything was ever rampant; it is most definitely crime today. Many criminals I know have been forced to hang up their masks and guns and find work as corporate executives because the competition on the street is so fierce.

In these dark times there is a deep and desperate longing for some dim flicker of hope. That, or perhaps an enema…

In these dark times there is a deep and desperate longing for some dim flicker of hope. That, or perhaps an enema, I’m not really sure. What is clear to me though, is that the American people urgently need a written guide to surviving an attempted mugging. One that is carefully researched and well thought-out, containing expert advice and colorful illustrations.

However, I certainly did not become a writer to do something that labor intensive, so instead I cobbled together the following impressive sounding yet thoroughly untested strategies, perfect for anyone who may find themselves in a potential mugging situation.

1. Run.
This is where your wise decision to quit smoking, exercise everyday, and always wear sensible shoes really pays off. Both of you should easily escape. Everyone else had better keep reading.

2. Call for backup.
For this to work well, it helps to have a radio. And friends. For best results, make sure your friends are large, heavily armed and waiting in an van nearby.

3. Summon a ninja.
As documented in numerous studies, there is nothing like a helpful ninja to even the odds and tap the proverbial keg of butt-kickery.

4. Transform into a werewolf.
If you have any lycanthropic tendencies, now is the time to explore them.

5. Commence projectile vomiting.
Aim high. The goal is to trigger a cascade regurgitation, in which each gagging mugger will inspire a similar hurling in his associates on either side, who with any luck will motivate the ruffians near them to equally amazing feats of upchuckfulness. If done properly, this vicious cycle can continue indefinitely or until all criminal stomach contents have been expelled.

Be sure to factor in your dry cleaning bill when considering this option.

6. Insult the muggers’ mothers.
This probably won’t help, but will make for a great story. If you survive.

7. Use Hypnosis.
Wave your wallet or purse rhythmically while repeating key phrases like, “Your weapons are very relaxed” or “Your ears are getting hairy.” While under hypnosis, your muggers can be programmed to give up their lives of crime, to turn themselves in, or at the very least to stop biting their nails. It should be noted that this technique is only effective if your would-be felons have not preprogrammed themselves with anti-hypnotic hypnosis.

8. Develop multiple personalities.
Make sure they all know karate.

9. Unleash the raging fury of PMS.
This strategy works best for those with the foresight to be female.

10. Fling poop.
This technique always works well for monkeys, and at this point you really don’t have anything to lose by trying. Be sure to move quickly though, because an experienced mugger will know what you are up to as soon as you reach into your skivvies.

Yes friends, crime is bad. It clings to our communities like a persistent shower fungus, it clogs our courts like rancid bacon grease, it turns the stomach like a bad simile. But as we have seen, with a few basic skills and a generous health plan, you too can prevail over even the most fearsome workers of iniquity and emerge victorious, with your head held high, preferably with both hands.


Fording Report: Medical Mayham

Dissociated Press presents:
The Fording Report
Weekend Edition

Friday, February 23.

Tonight I bring you a sad tale, a story filled with desperation and shame. A story so bad, that if it weren’t for the enormous boost in rating expected, I wouldn’t even cover it. It involves corruption and betrayal in one of the most trusted fields of human society: surgical medicine.

Witnesses say that Vukanic was distinctly heard to call “shotgun,” thus asserting his place on the patient’s right side…

The story centers around one of the oldest questions of medical procedure: when you have two surgeons and one patient, who get the coveted right hand operating position and who is relegated to the left? This question was at the heart of a recent tragic medical conflict in Belgrade involving two surgeons, Dr Spasoje Radulovic and Dr. Dragan Vukanic.

The surgeons had nearly completed a long and taxing upondectomy when they paused to take a “coffee break” which eventually grew to involve four and half pots of coffee, two bottle of vodka, and dozens of medical stories about the “patient that got away.”

Problems started when the doctors returned to the surgical theater. Witnesses say that Vukanic was distinctly heard to call “shotgun,” thus asserting his place on the patient’s right side. Radulovic, who had been operating from the right up to that point, denied his demand, claiming several hours of surgical precedence. Things quickly escalated until both doctors left the operating room, and the unconscious patient, to settle their differences outside.

Shocking? Yes.

Unprecedented? No.

Sadly, this sort of rivalry seems prevalent in hospitals around the world, with tragic consequences for the patients involved.

Following a similar bout of surgical pugilism, a Brazilian women was left carrying a scalpel in her innards for over twenty years.

Even in lesser developed areas, lacking the refinements of modern medicine, surgical shotgunning often leaves patients embedded with crude medical implements and doctors nursing swollen knuckles and bloody noses.

As for Radulovic and Vukanic, they entered a hospital sponsored mediation therapy program, where they will receive counseling and be trained in more mature forms of conflict resolution. I am speaking or course, of the time honored method used in the decision process of countless modern professionals: paper/ rock /scissors.

For the Fording Report this has been Herman Fording. Goodnight.

Click here for Herman Fording’s next groundbreaking feature:
How To Write Sensational Headlines


The Biggest Secret of the Federal Reserve, Exposed!

Here it is boys and girls, the most sacred relic of macroeconomics, the Economy Fan.

economy fan

Handed down to Ben Bernake from Alan Greenspan, who received it in turn from the long succession of Fed chairmen all the way back to Thomas Jefferson, who confiscated it during a particularly nasty quarrel between the Masons and Templars.

Ignore all the talk about interest rates and percentages, the operation of the American economy is really very simple:

When the economy slows or starts to stagnate, turn on the Economy Fan.

If the economy starts moving too fast, turn it off.

Nothing could be easier. Another mystery solved, courtesy of the Ominous Comma.

Late Breaking News Note- There have been whispered suggestions regarding the addition of a rotary-type speed control for the Fan, in order to dial in more precise economic adjustments. Some have even gone so far as to speculate the possibility of wireless access to the Fan. However, sources deep inside the fiduciary community say that this is unlikely, claiming that the Fan is too crucial, and its workings too mysterious to risk any tampering or departure from the time-honored Rules of Operation handed down from antiquity. -The Editorial Staff of The Ominous Comma