Generated by All in One SEO v4.9.3, this is an llms.txt file, used by LLMs to index the site. # the Ominous Comma A Cult of Multiple Personalities ## Sitemaps - [XML Sitemap](https://brentdiggs.com/sitemap.xml): Contains all public & indexable URLs for this website. ## Posts - [Building My Career With A Book Signing Tour](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/book-signing-tour/) - I have decided that if I am to advance to the next level in my authorly career, I am simply going to have to launch a book signing tour. According to my research on the subject, the key requirements for such a literary event are a book, an author, and a writing utensil. I am told that a Sharpie-brand permanent marker works well for most autographing needs, but in a pinch you can make do with a charcoal briquette or even an unfolded paperclip dipped in your own blood, which is especially appropriate if you are promoting a horror novel or a grade-school teaching memoir... - [Steady](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/steady/) - Preparing for a wedding can be tricky, even if it's not yours. Especially if it's not yours. Especially if, to pick a purely and totally hypothetical case, the wedding in question belongs to your daughter... - [Google Acquires Luxembourg](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/google-acquires-luxembourg/) - Mountain View, CA - In a surprise announcement internet powerhouse Google today revealed that it had acquired the western European country of Luxembourg... - [Steam Cleaner Charged With Brainwashing](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/steam-cleaner-charged-with-brainwashing/) - Chicago- Small business owner, Harold Smocking, was arrested today on charges of criminal brainwashing. His company, Esteem Cleaners, which provides an innovative combination of personal development and pressure washing, has up until now boasted an impressive track record of profitability and really clean sidewalks... - [Maslov’s Pyramid Revised](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/maslovs-pyramid-revised/) - Longtime psychological model Maslow’s Pyramid has been revised, replacing self actualization with chocolate as humanity‘s greatest need. - [Pharmaceutical Companies Send Troop Surge to Secure Border](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/troop-surge/) - Niagara Falls- The final contingent of private security contractors reported for duty today in Niagara Falls, joining nearly 50,000 troops already deployed along the Canadian-American border. Funded by an alliance of major drug manufacturers, the troops have formed a blockade, effectively sealing off Canada from the American population... - [Driver Ordered To Attend Arrow Literacy Course](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/arrow-literacy-course/) - Little Rock- This morning Randal Rufus reported to court ordered driving school. Unlike more traditional driving courses, this one focused on parking lots and directional arrows. “I never thought it made no matter which ever way I went in a parking lot, but now I know better,” said Rufus... - [Refund Offered For Unused Turn Signals](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/turn-signals/) - Memphis- Representatives from six major automakers met with the Memphis Area Recycling Service today to conclude negotiations on turn a signal recycling agreement. With sales in a continuing slump, auto manufacturers are seeking new opportunities to cut costs and increase profits. “We are very excited about the potential of this deal,” said Toyota representative, Rick Spudnicker, “Memphis has a staggering wealth of unused turn signals...” - [Webster’s To Reclassify ‘Nuclear’ As Two Syllable Word](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/reclassify-nuclear/) - Cleveland- Dictionary publisher Webster’s Inc. today announced that it will reclassify ‘nuclear’ as a two syllable word. Company owner, John Q. Webster, great grandson of original dictionary author Nathaniel Webster, said that the move was “natural and logical, in keeping with popular usage, and in no way connected with the large number of armed men occupying our office...” - [CEO Gets Severance After 45 Minute Stint](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/ceo-severance/) - Chicago- Dynateknomatic CEO, Lance Corpuscle, resigned yesterday after holding the job for a little over forty-five minutes. He is scheduled to receive a $210 million severance package for what a Dynateknomatic spokesman called “his long commitment to this company...” - [Thank You, Justin - The Worlds Shortest Comedy Sketch](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/thank-you-justin-the-worlds-shortest-comedy-sketch/) - The scene opens on two executives seated at a large and imposing conference table. Fear marks the faces of these once proud men. The air is thick with tension and the smell of sweaty Italian shoes... - [City on a Hill](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/city-on-a-hill/) - Once upon a time there was this guy named Jesus, you might have heard of him or even read his book. One time at a major public address, he said that the people that followed him would be like a city on a hill: unmistakable, un-missable, un-hideable. A prominent feature on the skyline of society... - [Hormone Poisoning](https://brentdiggs.com/hormone-poisoning/) - One of the most frequent questions I get about the complex inner working of the human male is: Why are men so stupid? - [The Blog Of State Address](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/the-blog-of-state-address/) - Today is the first anniversary of the ground-bruising weblog known as The Ominous Comma. On this solemn occasion I stand before you humbled in tearful amazement, a fact having just as much to do with the freshly spilled coffee in my lap as with the undeniable glow of achievement which not only permeates this site but also illuminates entire neighborhoods... - [Interview with the Author](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/interview-with-the-author/) - I have set up a little question and answer session with my tired and somewhat surly self to discuss this whole period of agony I have just completed. If that seems a little schizophrenic to you, then you are clearly not acquainted with the usual proceedings of this site... - [A Bill From My Body](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/a-bill-from-my-body/) - We feel it necessary to remind you of the accumulated years and excessive wear you have subjected us to. And so this notice is to inform you of certain fees and penalties you can expect as a result of your thoughtless actions... - [Blagggghhhhh - A Complete and Utter Loss of Motivation](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/complete-and-utter-loss-of-motivation/) - I don't want to write right now. And of all the many things I don't want to write at this moment, I think what I most not want to write is this sentence right here. I hate this sentence. Everything about it. Its length, its wording, that fact that it's coming from my keyboard. I - [Instigative Journalist Makes News for Over Twenty Years](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/instigative-journalist/) - Herman Fording is a legend in the journalism community, famous for delivering the goods on some of the most unusual and confusing stories of the last twenty years - [Powersaw Poetry - A Toothsome Tale of Love](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/powersaw-poetry-a-toothsome-tale-of-love/) - With my last foray into Quasi-Shakespearean Home Maintenance Verse having done so much to raise the cultural density of this otherwise highly penetrable site, my first thought upon completing my latest household chore was of course: "There must be someone who would have done this for $8 an hour." My second thought was to celebrate my victory over domestic labor in bold Bard-worthy form... - [The Buck Stops At Last - Buck-O-Quest: Conclusion](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/the-buck-stops-at-last/) - Like a homesick camel plodding through the arid wastelands of American finance, the Buck-O-Quest Economic Survival Series staggers on past the once-thought insurmountable limits of my attention span, to its long awaited end, providing readers with one last dose of hope, inspiration, and questionable financial advice... - [Shoring Up Liquid Assets - Buck-O-Quest: Part 3](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/shoring-up-liquid-assets/) - Today our economic survival series Buck-O-Quest rolls on like the mighty Mississippi River: slowly, majestically, and with a distinct lack of clarity. We will begin with more Concerned Reader correspondence... - [Putting The Economy In Motion - Buck-O-Quest: Part 2](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/putting-the-economy-in-motion/) - Welcome to the second installment of Buck-O-Quest, the surprisingly continuous series dedicated to the stumbling U.S. economy and what you as a potentially impacted citizen can do to recover yourself out from underneath its ominously descending bulk. We will begin today's missive with a conveniently timed letter from one of our concerned readers... - [The Biggest Secret of the Federal Reserve, Exposed!](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/secret-of-the-fed/) - Ignore all the talk about interest rates and percentages, the operation of the American economy is really very simple - [Weekend Bonus Video- Stimulus Package](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/weekend-bonus-stimulus-package/) - Despite appearing to be ever bit as dormant as pork-belly futures, the Buck-O-Quest Economic Recovery series lives on. In this moving installment we witness the irresistible power of chocolate as applied to our current stagnant situation... - [Intelligent Humor for the Enlightened Masses](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/intelligent-humor-for-the-enlightened-masses/) - The Ominous Comma launches itself from your monitor and grabs you by the cerebellum, wringing the laughter from the irony centers of the brain like an over-filled sponge. - [How I Got Married On Facebook - The Video](https://brentdiggs.com/married-on-facebook-video/) - After nearly twenty years with The Hot Comma Momma, I have decided to make an honest woman out of her. Already, I know a host of husbands are leaning closer to their screens; anxious to discover what manner of experimental therapy I have pioneered borrowed from Doctor Toboggans to deliver such breathtaking results.... - [I'm A Trekkie Again](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/im-a-trekkie-again/) - Back in the deep dark days of my childhood, before satellite, cable, or DVDs, back when even the VCR was just a gleam in some engineer's eye, to be a science fiction fan was to be a Star Trek fan. And for good reason... - [Education Is Wasted On The Young](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/education-is-wasted-on-the-young/) - It is a rare occasion that I can slip away from a restaurant, doctor’s office, or even a speed trap without some stern, fan demanding my autograph on the bill. - [Writing Prompts for the Not-So-Prompt](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/writing-prompts-for-the-not-so-prompt/) - If you are a stranger to the delightful world of wordcraft, perhaps spending your time on more respectable and rewarding occupations like say, Roadside Carcass Removal, you might believe that those who call themselves writers would have long ago resigned themselves to the fact that sooner or later they would be called upon to produce verifiable written material. You would be wrong... - [Six Ways to Fight Terrorism Using Only A Necktie](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/six-ways-to-fight-terrorism-using-only-a-necktie/) - In today’s uncertain political climate, with the threat of terrorism coming in a wide spectrum of designer colors, it is more important than ever to be prepared for any eventuality. That’s why top experts like myself recommend never leaving your home without the safety and security of a properly worn necktie... - [Say - From Docotor Harold Toboggans](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/carping-diem-14-say/) - Carping Diem: By popular demand, the Ominous Comma is reluctant to present Dr. Harold Toboggans, the spectacular, the miracle-working, the self-described. Today's demonstration of tact... - [Little Known Ways to Get Your Spouse to Attend Your Anniversary*](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/little-known-ways-to-get-your-spouse/) - Astute readers will note that precisely one year ago today I celebrated the Anniversary of my marriage to Camille, the Hot Comma Momma upon these shimmering pages. As you may recall, the related festivities were made somewhat challenging not only by her lack of attendance at the actual event, but also by her complete absence from the country... - [No Body Home](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/322/) - Hello Friends, I am on duty over at DangerCouch today. Feel free to stop on by and see what Herman Fording has dug up on the Couch crew... - [How to Write Sensational Headlines](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/sensational-headlines/) - Dissociated Press presents: The Fording Report A Special Report by Herman Fording In my long and illustrious career I have fabricated countless headlines; all of them brilliant, many of them true. Except for one in 1992 about the Trans-Icelandic Iguana Guano gurney race, but I try not to think about that one... - [Love Letters To A Manly Chunk Of Masculine Authorship](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/love-letters-to-a-manly-chunk-of-masculine-authorship/) - People sometimes ask me how long it takes to write these posts, and I always give the same truthful answer: Too long. I really don’t want to boast for more than a couple hundred words or so, but the work of a serious humorist is not easy, it requires persistence, dedication, and obscene quantities of coffee. And once you make it out of bed, it gets even more challenging... - [Annual Festival of Jarhead Inebriation](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/annual-festival-of-jarhead-inebriation/) - Tomorrow is November 10th also known as the Annual Festival of Jarhead Inebriation. As such, thousand of Marines will lift a glass or twelve to celebrate the 229th birthday of the United States Marine Corps. Barking noises and random vowel sounds will probably also be uttered, in a time-honored expression of otherwise inexpressible maritime delight... - [Superhero Profile - The Implausible Spoonerine](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/superhero-profile-the-implausible-spoonerine/) - Lackladdy G. Ferggusson was known by friends and acquaintances as a lifelong chronic underachiever, but after an inexplicable radioactive silverware accident gave him super-spooning ability, nothing really changed... - [Cut and Paste Cinema - The First Ever Ominous Rant](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/cut-and-paste-cinema-the-first-ever-ominous-rant/) - Everyone does things that they later regret. Things that they wish they could blame on drugs or alien possession. Things that although seem rational at the time, later reveal themselves to be engraved invitations for suffering and endless recriminations of stupidity... - [How to Survive in Business](https://brentdiggs.com/how-to-survive-in-business/) - If you’re young, or merely masochistic, you may be considering a career in corporate America. In light of the self-destructive nature of this decision, you would be right to wonder, “Am I stupid? What if I’m not smart enough to make it in the corporate world?” If you suffer these misgivings, you are definitely over-thinking the situation, which is a habit you will have to cease if you are to succeed in a hierarchical organization... - [Humoron Shortage Hits U.S. Writers](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/humoron-shortage-hits-us-writers/) - Apparently my humble attempts at humor are draining the inter-dimensional supply of ridiculousity required by the government for its continued operation. - [The Official Memphis Position on Snow and Ice](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/the-official-memphis-position-on-snow-and-ice/) - When introduced to the greater metropolitan area, rain is enough to cause spontaneous formations of rapidly bonded steel to accumulate on freeways and intersections throughout the region. - [The Joy of Friday](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/the-joy-of-friday/) - Happy Friday everyone, and congratulations on making it through another week. Yes, I know that not all of you are in my time zone, and that where you live it may not actually be Friday anymore/yet/ever. That’s okay. I am confident that anyone with the intelligence and good taste to discover the Comma from the disadvantage of a foreign culture will also be up to the task of making it through one more day... - [Monkey Story Update](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/monkey-story-update/) - Although seldom acknowledged as such, the Ominous Comma is a fount of public service, providing information and inspiration to individuals from all walks of life. A perfect example of this is provided by that journalistic specialist know only as the Drive-by Blogger. Taking the lessons provided by our own Herman Fording, he has provided the reading public with a rich and compelling monkey story, one far superior to the sad example provide by the Associated Press... - [Droll Humor?](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/droll-humor/) - Recently I was accused of being droll. If there is anything that gets my dander up and marching around, it's being labeled with terms so offensive, so clearly and blatantly derogatory that even I don't know what they mean... - [Taking Economic Responsibility For A Spin](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/taking-economic-responsibility-for-a-spin/) - Buck-O-Quest: Part 1 Approximately one year ago I informed you that I had discovered the secret of the U.S. economy...I want to apologize to all of my readers. To those currently engrossed in this article, to those yet to discover this blog, and even to those whose best attempts at reading so far have been limited to glassy stares in the direction of diaper packaging. I have let you all down... - [Cetaceans Strike Back - Terror From the Deep](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/cetaceans-strike-back-terror-from-the-deep/) - The Fording Report Instigative journalism from Harold Fording - Presented by Dissociated Press I have for you today a story so unexpected, so shocking, so absolutely Pulitzer-worthy, that I barely have to time to write it because of all the hours I am putting in on my award acceptance speech. It’s not just a scoop, it’s an industrial earth-mover of a story, complete with hard-hats, cat-calls, and other hyphenated accessories... - [Fording Report: Medical Mayham](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/fording-report-medical-mayham/) - Dissociated Press presents: The Fording Report Weekend Edition Tonight I bring you a sad tale, a story filled with desperation and shame. A story so bad, that if it weren’t for the enormous boost in rating expected, I wouldn’t even cover it. It involves corruption and betrayal in one of the most trusted fields of human society: surgical medicine... - [Rouge Agent Flips Canada The Bucket](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/rouge-agent-flips-canada-the-bucket/) - The Fording Report: A Herman Fording exclusive. In a shocking, gratuitous, and hopefully award winning display of international impropriety, survivalist and blog-stalker Christopher NotSee, has confessed to assaulting the nation of Canada with former rap star M.C. Hammer... - [What The Promised Recession Means To You As An American](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/what-the-promised-recession-means-to-you-as-an-american/) - You have been bad. Selfishly saving your money right when your economy needs it the most... - [Nightlife](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/nightlife/) - I entered the establishment off a crowded thoroughfare. The place was dark, only the occasional splash of illumination painting the stark white walls. The scent of teenage aftershave mingled freely through the sparse crowd. Music, blunt and pulsating, saturated the air like a rhythmic fog, filling every breath, every pore, with barometric waves of insistence... - [Ten Ways to Not Get Mugged](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/not-get-mugged/) - Crime is rampant, very rampant, even people who have never once used the word rampant, much less several times in the same sentence, agree that if anything was ever rampant; it is most definitely crime today. Many criminals I know have been forced to hang up their masks and guns and find work as corporate ## Pages - [Coming Soon - A whole new site](https://brentdiggs.com/) - [Bio](https://brentdiggs.com/bio/) - Brent Diggs is an author, every last word on this site has been written and authored by Brent Diggs. You simply cannot get any more authorly than this man. - [Toboggans Industries](https://brentdiggs.com/zombies-anonymous/toboggans-industries/) - Times are tight. Everyone is cutting back. Money just doesn't go very far. We understand that. That's why at Toboggans Industries we are committed to helping you stretch your limited funds just as far as it takes. ...to reach us. Yes, Toboggans Industries is proud to offer our fine assortment of life-improving products perfect for - [Blog](https://brentdiggs.com/blog/) - [et_pb_section bb_built="1" admin_label="section" background_color="rgba(255,255,255,0)" inner_shadow="on" fullwidth="on" custom_padding="3px|0px|246px|0px" background_image="http://brentdiggs.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/comma_bg2.jpg" transparent_background="on" allow_player_pause="off" parallax="off" parallax_method="on" make_fullwidth="off" use_custom_width="off" width_unit="on" make_equal="off" use_custom_gutter="off"][et_pb_fullwidth_header admin_label="Fullwidth Header" title="Brent A. Diggs" subhead="Writer of books and other things that tend to contain words" text_orientation="center" scroll_down_icon_size="44px" background_url="http://brentdiggs.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/comma_bg2.jpg" parallax="on" image_orientation="bottom" title_font_size="38px" background_layout="light" header_fullscreen="off" header_scroll_down="off" parallax_method="off" content_orientation="center" custom_button_one="off" button_one_letter_spacing="0" button_one_use_icon="default" button_one_icon_placement="right" button_one_on_hover="on" button_one_letter_spacing_hover="0" custom_button_two="off" button_two_letter_spacing="0" button_two_use_icon="default" button_two_icon_placement="right" button_two_on_hover="on" - [Books](https://brentdiggs.com/books/) - Coming so very soon. - [Contact](https://brentdiggs.com/contact/) - There are many reasons why you might want to contact the cunning and impressively modest author of The Ominous Comma: to praise his genius, demand payment for an overdue library book, or request permission to name your first born child after him. You may also have a question that you wish to Ask The Author. - [Thanks](https://brentdiggs.com/thanks/) - Thank you for visit to The Ominous Comma. Your very presence upon my humble site has sent radiating waves of awesomality ricocheting throughout the entire internet. Thank you also for contributing to the ongoing conversation; your input was both thoughtful and inspiring...unless of course you just typed in a Fibonacci sequence or recent census data. ## Categories - [Uncategorized](https://brentdiggs.com/category/uncategorized/) - [Most Joking Aside](https://brentdiggs.com/category/most-joking-aside/) - [Satire](https://brentdiggs.com/category/satire/) - [Random](https://brentdiggs.com/category/random/) - [Commentary](https://brentdiggs.com/category/commentary/) - [Best of the Comma](https://brentdiggs.com/category/best-of-the-comma/) - [Adventures of the Author](https://brentdiggs.com/category/adventures-of-the-author/) - [Fiction](https://brentdiggs.com/category/fiction/) ## Tags - [humor](https://brentdiggs.com/tag/humor/) - [rant](https://brentdiggs.com/tag/rant/) - [resources](https://brentdiggs.com/tag/resources/) - [reviews](https://brentdiggs.com/tag/reviews/) - [weekend stuff](https://brentdiggs.com/tag/weekend-stuff/) - [news lite](https://brentdiggs.com/tag/news-lite/) - 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