Putting The Economy In Motion – Buck-O-Quest: Part 2

Welcome to the second installment of Buck-O-Quest,1 the surprisingly continuous series dedicated to the stumbling U.S. economy and what you as a potentially impacted citizen can do to recover yourself out from underneath its ominously descending bulk.

We will begin today’s missive with a conveniently timed letter from one of our concerned readers.

Dear author,

The economy is really getting me down. I’ve never had what you would call steady employment, but with this recession things have been harder for me than ever.

In happier times I could always supplement my income by liquidating the assets of local banks and liquor stores. But ever since I suffered a debilitating trebuchet accident I have been confined to my recliner, living at the mercy of a former cell-mate and an array of absorbent undergarments.

What can I do to help regain my financial independence?

Benchly Setward

Folding Chair, AR


You are not alone. The sudden sagging of economic indicators combined with the recent increase in catapult-based security systems has propelled a large number of former criminals into desperate financial straits.

Fortunately there are resources available for disabled felons like yourself, to assist you in your quest to put sizable chucks of U.S. currency back in motion.

Economic Mobility

A growing number of companies have entered the ambulation-impaired Armed Robbery Accessory Market. Some early product entries include: armor plated wheelchairs, gurney mounted chain guns, and specially trained safe-cracking robotic chihuahuas.

Between ever expanding merchandise offerings and special recession financing, I am confident that there is an affordable assault package right for you. With the help of your local medical arms dealer, you’ll be out terrorizing your neighborhood in no time.


If you have questions for your author, it’s you own fault. You’ve had plenty of opportunity to get them off your chest by now. Still, it’s never too late to ask. Contact me at my slick and highly impressive contact page.

In the meantime, stick around. Not since last year’s Blogging Week have I had a train of thought travel so far without derailment. This could very well set a record. Or a precedent. Or possibly even a fire. So whatever you do, don’t miss the next ironon fortified serving of this profusely fact-starved series.

To receive my next stunning contribution to world literature in your email inbox click this link.

Or receive it in your favorite feed reader by clicking this one.

Or if you’re not up to that level of commitment, you can play the field of eligible Buck-O-Quest advices here:
Part 1- Taking Economic Recovery For A Spin
Part 2- Putting The Economy In Motion
Part 3 – Shoring Up Liquid Assets
Part 4 – The Buck Stops at Last
Bonus – What The Promised Recession Means To You
Bonus 2 – Stimulus Package Video

  1. Okay, I admit that I had never given the series a name before this very moment, but due to the Orwellian possibilities of the internet, by the time you check the previous post, it will have been there the whole time.


Ten Ways to Not Get Mugged

Crime is rampant, very rampant, even people who have never once used the word rampant, much less several times in the same sentence, agree that if anything was ever rampant; it is most definitely crime today. Many criminals I know have been forced to hang up their masks and guns and find work as corporate executives because the competition on the street is so fierce.

In these dark times there is a deep and desperate longing for some dim flicker of hope. That, or perhaps an enema…

In these dark times there is a deep and desperate longing for some dim flicker of hope. That, or perhaps an enema, I’m not really sure. What is clear to me though, is that the American people urgently need a written guide to surviving an attempted mugging. One that is carefully researched and well thought-out, containing expert advice and colorful illustrations.

However, I certainly did not become a writer to do something that labor intensive, so instead I cobbled together the following impressive sounding yet thoroughly untested strategies, perfect for anyone who may find themselves in a potential mugging situation.

1. Run.
This is where your wise decision to quit smoking, exercise everyday, and always wear sensible shoes really pays off. Both of you should easily escape. Everyone else had better keep reading.

2. Call for backup.
For this to work well, it helps to have a radio. And friends. For best results, make sure your friends are large, heavily armed and waiting in an van nearby.

3. Summon a ninja.
As documented in numerous studies, there is nothing like a helpful ninja to even the odds and tap the proverbial keg of butt-kickery.

4. Transform into a werewolf.
If you have any lycanthropic tendencies, now is the time to explore them.

5. Commence projectile vomiting.
Aim high. The goal is to trigger a cascade regurgitation, in which each gagging mugger will inspire a similar hurling in his associates on either side, who with any luck will motivate the ruffians near them to equally amazing feats of upchuckfulness. If done properly, this vicious cycle can continue indefinitely or until all criminal stomach contents have been expelled.

Be sure to factor in your dry cleaning bill when considering this option.

6. Insult the muggers’ mothers.
This probably won’t help, but will make for a great story. If you survive.

7. Use Hypnosis.
Wave your wallet or purse rhythmically while repeating key phrases like, “Your weapons are very relaxed” or “Your ears are getting hairy.” While under hypnosis, your muggers can be programmed to give up their lives of crime, to turn themselves in, or at the very least to stop biting their nails. It should be noted that this technique is only effective if your would-be felons have not preprogrammed themselves with anti-hypnotic hypnosis.

8. Develop multiple personalities.
Make sure they all know karate.

9. Unleash the raging fury of PMS.
This strategy works best for those with the foresight to be female.

10. Fling poop.
This technique always works well for monkeys, and at this point you really don’t have anything to lose by trying. Be sure to move quickly though, because an experienced mugger will know what you are up to as soon as you reach into your skivvies.

Yes friends, crime is bad. It clings to our communities like a persistent shower fungus, it clogs our courts like rancid bacon grease, it turns the stomach like a bad simile. But as we have seen, with a few basic skills and a generous health plan, you too can prevail over even the most fearsome workers of iniquity and emerge victorious, with your head held high, preferably with both hands.