The Biggest Secret of the Federal Reserve, Exposed!

Here it is boys and girls, the most sacred relic of macroeconomics, the Economy Fan.

economy fan

Handed down to Ben Bernake from Alan Greenspan, who received it in turn from the long succession of Fed chairmen all the way back to Thomas Jefferson, who confiscated it during a particularly nasty quarrel between the Masons and Templars.

Ignore all the talk about interest rates and percentages, the operation of the American economy is really very simple:

When the economy slows or starts to stagnate, turn on the Economy Fan.

If the economy starts moving too fast, turn it off.

Nothing could be easier. Another mystery solved, courtesy of the Ominous Comma.

Late Breaking News Note- There have been whispered suggestions regarding the addition of a rotary-type speed control for the Fan, in order to dial in more precise economic adjustments. Some have even gone so far as to speculate the possibility of wireless access to the Fan. However, sources deep inside the fiduciary community say that this is unlikely, claiming that the Fan is too crucial, and its workings too mysterious to risk any tampering or departure from the time-honored Rules of Operation handed down from antiquity. -The Editorial Staff of The Ominous Comma