Adventures of the Author

Powersaw Poetry – A Toothsome Tale of Love

With my last foray into Quasi-Shakespearean Home Maintenance Verse having done so much to raise the cultural density of this otherwise highly penetrable site, my first thought upon completing my latest household chore was of course: “There must be someone who would have done this for $8 an hour.”

My second thought was to celebrate my victory over domestic labor in bold Bard-worthy form.

This would be that second thought:

Ode To An Inconveniently Tall Stump Upon The Eve Of My Beloved Wife’s Return From Her Travels

When e’er I see with mine two eyes
My home’s most redneck state
And find no beauty there within
Due to my absent mate

My Wife is Missing - Again

Note the missing wife and present tree. Foreshadowing is in the forecast

Far wanders my frail and lonely mind
To times more graced with bliss
And dawns the thought ‘fore her return
I might should look at her list

Laundry Day

Don’t worry Love, your list is at the top of my list…somewhere

First task upon that urgent note:
Lay low the former tree
Whose carcass yet was still too high
To display floral-try1

Overly tall tree stump

If you really wanted flowers out here, a step ladder would be no obstacle

So filled with might and much Motrin
I lumbered to the task
And forceful laid into said stump
With loves enduring axe2


Love endures a bit longer with 46cc of internal combustion backing it up

A might battle thus ensued
One wracked with many harms
And glad was I when last I won
To have still all my arms

Tree Diarrhea

I’m no botanist but I don’t think trees are suppose to have diarrhea

Though many a more and mighty deed
Were made complete by me
That tale shall test another day
Your love for poetry

Bouquet for a fallen foe

Camille was right: this is a vast improvement

  1. Important safety note – Never debate the differences between acceptable rhymes and cheesy word tricks with a poet still holding a chainsaw.
  2. Love’s Enduring Axe – Now that’s a title for a romance film. Overly sentimental, yet filled with the unavoidable bouquet of honest manly labor.


The Buck Stops At Last – Buck-O-Quest: Conclusion

Like a homesick camel plodding through the arid wastelands of American finance, the Buck-O-Quest Economic Survival Series staggers on past the once-thought insurmountable limits of my attention span, to its long awaited end, providing readers with one last dose of hope, inspiration, and questionable financial advice.

We begin today’s thought-enraging lesson with a letter from yet another satisfied literary consumer.

Dear Author,

I am not impressed with the flippant and frankly irresponsible tone you have taken in your self-proclaimed Economic Recovery series. These are serious financial problems we are dealing with, requiring serious measures to be implemented by serious people. I would suggest your words and your time would be better spent in helping your readers climb out of debt and develop fiscally responsible habits to help them stay on the road to solvency. If this proves too difficult for you, please at least get some better jokes.


Robert B. Pukensmite,

Rising Tide, FL


Thank you for writing, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate reader feedback, even when it comes from a communist like yourself.

Although I find your concept of personal responsibility very amusing, the truth is that you simply cannot fault the American people for living beyond their means, or financial institutions for encouraging them to do so.

Lenders lend, consumers consume, and bankers bank on the hope that this cycle will provide them with a comfortable living for some time to come. This is the nature of global finance. If you must bring responsibility into this issue be sure to lay the blame where it belongs, which of course is with our money.

As everyone knows, the U.S. currency is a timid and cowardly thing, always seeking security in numbers. Those with small reserves of cash are in constant danger that their meager supply will escape and seek out the company of larger corporate accounts.

Clearly what we need is a way to train our legal tender and instill it with discipline and obedience, just like major financiers do.

That’s right Robert, unknown to the less lucratively-endowed citizenry, millionaires and multinationals alike have long relied of the services of exclusive financial obedience schools to train their vast collections of currency to circulate carefully through the markets and return home, followed closely by droves of stray, undisciplined bills.

Although many Americans lack available funds for instruction, not to mention the sizable fees charged by more illustrious services, there are resources at hand for those willing to start somewhat smaller.

Penny Ranch

With the help of more modest monetary obedience institutions like the Penny Ranch, average citizens can corral their loose change, preventing its usual vending machine-driven stampedes, and even herd it toward more useful investments.

Thank you again for writing, Robert. The next time you have a brilliant economic breakthrough, please contact my associate Lastdollar Don who I’ve recently subcontracted to handle helpful individuals like yourself.

Came in late? Don’t miss a single installment of the Buck-O-Quest extravaganza.
Part 1- Taking Economic Recovery For A Spin
Part 2- Putting The Economy In Motion
Part 3 – Shoring Up Liquid Assets
Part 4 – The Buck Stops at Last
Bonus – What The Promised Recession Means To You
Bonus 2 – Stimulus Package Video

Any other readers with questions or burning concerns to address may do so through the convenient and sturdy-looking Ominous contact page, where they will be routed to the appropriate website personality for eventual response.

This post is all the rage at

It is also plummeting faster than gross adjusted median incomes over at


Shoring Up Liquid Assets – Buck-O-Quest: Part 3

Today our economic survival series Buck-O-Quest rolls on like the mighty Mississippi River: slowly, majestically, and with a distinct lack of clarity.

We will begin with more Concerned Reader correspondence.

Dear Author,

First off, let me thank you for the way you’ve handled the economy. Everyone I’ve ever read always approaches it from the perspective of homeowners, job holders, and other overachievers. Thank you for keeping it real.

My question is this: having invested my money in a balanced portfolio of malt liquor, cheap wine, and other liquid assets, is there any way I could continue to bypass employment and just live off the interest?


George Wellfeller, Central Park, NYC


You present an interesting problem. How does a person who has basically spent every dollar on alcoholic beverages, wrangle a profit from such an investment?

Fortunately for you, and those like you, the U.S. government is already on the case. Thanks to the Federal Department of Intoxicant Commodification and their willingness to underwrite a network of small, privately owned alcohol exchanges, you may yet stave off the clutches of personal industry.

Liquor Bank

FDIC – Keeping Spirits High and the Market for Spirits Higher.

Originally created to subsidize failing savings and loan institutions, the FDIC is always on the lookout for a losing cause. They are currently backing liquor layaway plans and small self-distillation-kit loans and are expected to soon branch out into the burgeoning blood plasma market.

Thank you George for your question, it is always good to see someone putting those wi-fi soup kitchens to good use.

Don’t be bearish, the fundamentals are sound on the entire Buck-O-Quest series.
Part 1- Taking Economic Recovery For A Spin
Part 2- Putting The Economy In Motion
Part 3 – Shoring Up Liquid Assets
Part 4 – The Buck Stops at Last
Bonus – What The Promised Recession Means To You
Bonus 2 – Stimulus Package Video

If you have a pressing question you wish to ask the Author, or if you’re truly desperate, ask Doctor Toboggans, you may do so at the newly instituted Ominous Contact Page.


Putting The Economy In Motion – Buck-O-Quest: Part 2

Welcome to the second installment of Buck-O-Quest,1 the surprisingly continuous series dedicated to the stumbling U.S. economy and what you as a potentially impacted citizen can do to recover yourself out from underneath its ominously descending bulk.

We will begin today’s missive with a conveniently timed letter from one of our concerned readers.

Dear author,

The economy is really getting me down. I’ve never had what you would call steady employment, but with this recession things have been harder for me than ever.

In happier times I could always supplement my income by liquidating the assets of local banks and liquor stores. But ever since I suffered a debilitating trebuchet accident I have been confined to my recliner, living at the mercy of a former cell-mate and an array of absorbent undergarments.

What can I do to help regain my financial independence?

Benchly Setward

Folding Chair, AR


You are not alone. The sudden sagging of economic indicators combined with the recent increase in catapult-based security systems has propelled a large number of former criminals into desperate financial straits.

Fortunately there are resources available for disabled felons like yourself, to assist you in your quest to put sizable chucks of U.S. currency back in motion.

Economic Mobility

A growing number of companies have entered the ambulation-impaired Armed Robbery Accessory Market. Some early product entries include: armor plated wheelchairs, gurney mounted chain guns, and specially trained safe-cracking robotic chihuahuas.

Between ever expanding merchandise offerings and special recession financing, I am confident that there is an affordable assault package right for you. With the help of your local medical arms dealer, you’ll be out terrorizing your neighborhood in no time.


If you have questions for your author, it’s you own fault. You’ve had plenty of opportunity to get them off your chest by now. Still, it’s never too late to ask. Contact me at my slick and highly impressive contact page.

In the meantime, stick around. Not since last year’s Blogging Week have I had a train of thought travel so far without derailment. This could very well set a record. Or a precedent. Or possibly even a fire. So whatever you do, don’t miss the next ironon fortified serving of this profusely fact-starved series.

To receive my next stunning contribution to world literature in your email inbox click this link.

Or receive it in your favorite feed reader by clicking this one.

Or if you’re not up to that level of commitment, you can play the field of eligible Buck-O-Quest advices here:
Part 1- Taking Economic Recovery For A Spin
Part 2- Putting The Economy In Motion
Part 3 – Shoring Up Liquid Assets
Part 4 – The Buck Stops at Last
Bonus – What The Promised Recession Means To You
Bonus 2 – Stimulus Package Video

  1. Okay, I admit that I had never given the series a name before this very moment, but due to the Orwellian possibilities of the internet, by the time you check the previous post, it will have been there the whole time.


The Biggest Secret of the Federal Reserve, Exposed!

Here it is boys and girls, the most sacred relic of macroeconomics, the Economy Fan.

economy fan

Handed down to Ben Bernake from Alan Greenspan, who received it in turn from the long succession of Fed chairmen all the way back to Thomas Jefferson, who confiscated it during a particularly nasty quarrel between the Masons and Templars.

Ignore all the talk about interest rates and percentages, the operation of the American economy is really very simple:

When the economy slows or starts to stagnate, turn on the Economy Fan.

If the economy starts moving too fast, turn it off.

Nothing could be easier. Another mystery solved, courtesy of the Ominous Comma.

Late Breaking News Note- There have been whispered suggestions regarding the addition of a rotary-type speed control for the Fan, in order to dial in more precise economic adjustments. Some have even gone so far as to speculate the possibility of wireless access to the Fan. However, sources deep inside the fiduciary community say that this is unlikely, claiming that the Fan is too crucial, and its workings too mysterious to risk any tampering or departure from the time-honored Rules of Operation handed down from antiquity. -The Editorial Staff of The Ominous Comma


Instigative Journalist Makes News for Over Twenty Years

An interview with Herman Fording, former journalist for the Dissociated Press.
Featured in Superstar Journalist Illustrated.
Reprinted without permission.

Herman Fording is a legend in the journalism community, famous for delivering the goods on some of the most unusual and confusing stories of the last twenty years. When the World Monetary Tracking Computer Network crashed, Fording was there. When Jane Fonda put her hat in the ring for the ‘88 presidential election, Fording was there. When the last known strain of so-called ‘buffalo-pocks’ bacteria disappeared from Los Alamos and the first new outbreak in a century was recorded, Fording was there.

Now Fording is here with me, in a small greasy diner that gives the every appearance of being constructed exclusively for furtive exchanges of spies, reporters, and cholesterol salesmen. In this most appropriate setting we begin our interview.

Star Power

Fording deep undercover with 80’s heavy metal / motocross group, Berms and Perms, days before their now infamous ‘Eat my Dust’ world tour.