Who is responsible for your life when your life falls apart?

Responsibility seems like a simple idea. You put in the work, own your mistakes and good things come your way.

The implied promise is that as long as you do your part, life will be fair to reward your efforts.

But as you have probably noticed, that pattern doesn’t always hold.  You can plan, put in all the right work and still have things fall apart due to no fault of your own.

Those sort of situations ask a whole new question:

What does taking responsibility mean when the problems you face are not your fault?

Whenever something goes wrong our first instinct is to figure out why.

Determining cause and effect is a fundamental part of our mental software, so when facing a serious problem we instinctively search to figure out what caused it and who is to blame.

This is a useful response because if you can find the source of the problem you can often prevent it in the future.

But it is not always so helpful in solving the current problem.

Because fault is not the same thing as responsibility.

Many of the difficult situations we face didn’t originate with us. We didn’t ask for these problems or even help create them, but they came to us anyway.

And we have to live with them. Somehow.

Our lives may be forever impacted by these forces outside of our control, but they are still our lives. They are still the stories we are telling.

And it is up to us to decide what to do next.

When people face unearned problems, they usually respond in one of two ways:

They try to take total control:

“This is my fault. I should have been prepared. I should have seen it coming.”

They blame themselves for things they had no control over and try to take ownership of something that was never theirs in the first place.

Or they dive into helplessness:

“I didn’t do this. I shouldn’t have to deal with this. This is not my responsibility.”

An understandable reaction, but one that leads to passive helplessness in the end.

One response piles on the blame you don’t deserve. The other hands off responsibility for your life to parties unknown.

Both are ineffective.

Responsibility begins with realizing it’s up to you to choose your response to events.

You are not responsible for:

• other people’s mistakes
• damage you didn’t do
• losses you didn’t cause.

But you are responsible for:

• how you deal with what was handed to you
• what you choose to do with the situation you inherited
• how you act inside this story that somehow formed around you

Responsibility comes down to your ability to choose your responses. This ability influences nearly every part of your life

Even though unwanted trials have landed in your life, that life keeps moving on. And you have to make decisions, take action, and build something out of what you were left with.

It’s up to you to determine what happens next.

Responsibility is usually thought of in terms of behavior. You need to try harder, stay disciplined, and not give up.

But something happens before all that. Something we often overlook.

We tend to think of life as stimulus and response. Something happens and we react.

But between the two is a moment of decision. Whether we notice it or not, we decide in the moment what the event means to the story we are living in:

• Does this mean I am not competent?
• Was this bad luck?
• Is it a turning point in my story?
• Is this a learning moment for me?

That space between what happens to you and what you do about it – that’s where responsibility happens.

You can’t control everything that comes your way.

But, with effort, you can control how you interpret what it means to you.

And that interpretation will shape the response you choose.

Responsibility is the ability to pause, think, and choose your response, instead of just reacting on autopilot.

This gap between stimulus and response is one of the few place you have real freedom in your life.

How you interpret the events of your life changes how you respond to them. These interpretations form patterns that shape your life over time.

They affect what situations you see as challenges, and which ones as dead ends. Where you take risks and where you play it safe. What you pursue and what you avoid.

Across the years, these patterns end up shaping the kind of life you build.

Each interpretation determines your next response. Each response affects your direction.

The role you take in your life shapes how that life plays out.

When you go through struggles that aren’t your fault, it can feel natural to step back from any responsibility for them.

But that starts a downward spiral:

• your resentment starts building up
• your efforts begin feeling pointless
• you avoid making decisions
• your future gets harder to picture

Taking responsibility keeps one moment from deciding everything that follows.

All too often we find ourselves in difficult situations that weren’t our fault.

We’re left dealing with unfair breaks, inherited damage, and other people’s bad decisions.

Even though we didn’t do it, we are left to deal with it. To interpret, decide, and respond to events that we had no part in.

This isn’t some moral demand, something you ought to do.

This is how life works. It keeps moving and you need to as well.

How you do that shapes the person you are becoming:

• how you respond
• what you learn
• what you carry forward

They build who you become.

Something can be completely not your fault and still be your responsibility.

You’re the one who has to live with what happens next.

Responsibility is the decision to stay engaged with your life, even when the events of that life have been totally unfair.

These ideas are explored in depth through conversations on the Full Mental Bracket podcast.

• What Is Locus of Control? How to Stop Feeling Powerless
• The Powerful Psychology of The Shawshank Redemption
• Becoming the Protagonist of a Great Life Story
• The Sunk Cost Effect: When to Quit