Like a homesick camel plodding through the arid wastelands of American finance, the Buck-O-Quest Economic Survival Series staggers on past the once-thought insurmountable limits of my attention span, to its long awaited end, providing readers with one last dose of hope, inspiration, and questionable financial advice.
We begin today’s thought-enraging lesson with a letter from yet another satisfied literary consumer.
Dear Author,
I am not impressed with the flippant and frankly irresponsible tone you have taken in your self-proclaimed Economic Recovery series. These are serious financial problems we are dealing with, requiring serious measures to be implemented by serious people. I would suggest your words and your time would be better spent in helping your readers climb out of debt and develop fiscally responsible habits to help them stay on the road to solvency. If this proves too difficult for you, please at least get some better jokes.
Disgustedly
Robert B. Pukensmite,
Rising Tide, FL
,
Robert,
Thank you for writing, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate reader feedback, even when it comes from a communist like yourself.
Although I find your concept of personal responsibility very amusing, the truth is that you simply cannot fault the American people for living beyond their means, or financial institutions for encouraging them to do so.
Lenders lend, consumers consume, and bankers bank on the hope that this cycle will provide them with a comfortable living for some time to come. This is the nature of global finance. If you must bring responsibility into this issue be sure to lay the blame where it belongs, which of course is with our money.
As everyone knows, the U.S. currency is a timid and cowardly thing, always seeking security in numbers. Those with small reserves of cash are in constant danger that their meager supply will escape and seek out the company of larger corporate accounts.
Clearly what we need is a way to train our legal tender and instill it with discipline and obedience, just like major financiers do.
That’s right Robert, unknown to the less lucratively-endowed citizenry, millionaires and multinationals alike have long relied of the services of exclusive financial obedience schools to train their vast collections of currency to circulate carefully through the markets and return home, followed closely by droves of stray, undisciplined bills.
Although many Americans lack available funds for instruction, not to mention the sizable fees charged by more illustrious services, there are resources at hand for those willing to start somewhat smaller.
With the help of more modest monetary obedience institutions like the Penny Ranch, average citizens can corral their loose change, preventing its usual vending machine-driven stampedes, and even herd it toward more useful investments.
Thank you again for writing, Robert. The next time you have a brilliant economic breakthrough, please contact my associate Lastdollar Don who I’ve recently subcontracted to handle helpful individuals like yourself.
Came in late? Don’t miss a single installment of the Buck-O-Quest extravaganza.
Part 1- Taking Economic Recovery For A Spin
Part 2- Putting The Economy In Motion
Part 3 – Shoring Up Liquid Assets
Part 4 – The Buck Stops at Last
Bonus – What The Promised Recession Means To You
Bonus 2 – Stimulus Package Video
Any other readers with questions or burning concerns to address may do so through the convenient and sturdy-looking Ominous contact page, where they will be routed to the appropriate website personality for eventual response.
This post is all the rage at alltop.com
It is also plummeting faster than gross adjusted median incomes over at humor-blogs.com.
{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
Clearly you have captured the essence of that letter. Robert is a communist. Why he is here in the United States is beyond comprehension. Cuba is not far. Perhaps he would be more comfortable there.
No wonder my loose change keeps chewing holes in my pockets! And why my credit card refuses to be paper trained.
Thanks Mister Economics Answer Man!
I tried to discipline my money but it runs off to my wife.
Brent says ’satisfied literary consumer’
Robert says ‘I am not impressed‘
Its that type of bold in your face ignorance of the facts that assure me the American economy will be fine.
*places hand on heart*
Oh say can you see,
by the dawns early light.
Finally, I understand the economy!
I’ve been considering taking up turtle-ranching for a long time, but perhaps currency-ranching would be more lucrative.
What does Mr. Economy Person think?
I suppose you drive down Penny Lane to reach Penny Ranch?
“There beneath the blue suburban skies…”
My budget for T&E (not T&A mind you) is depleted. Can my money enroll in a correspondence course or webcam?
If I want real advice I’ll call my dad. I don’t read serious blogs for a reason. Life is serious enough as it is. That guy needs to spend some time on a deserted island with Jenna Jameson and a huge cache of rum.
A common mistake made when house training a credit card is using the monthly statements as the paper.
This will never do. Bills are simply too boring to hold your cards attention or any even any waste.
You must spread out the comics section of a major daily paper, in color not black and white, and hold perfectly still until “the business” is accomplished.
Also be sure to thoroughly wash your hands and your card before attempting any major transactions.
I am thinking he would more comfortable in a very specific piece of Cuba….
Guantanamo Bay.
Well Chris, the problem is…..
Actually, female economics is too large an issue to tackle in this forum. We would need a whole defensive line.
…Line of credit that is, I would never suggest that we tackle our woman, except in the privacy of our own homes.
That’s a good one. I never run off with my husband’s money. I just have it direct deposited in my account.
You got that right Alex. When I say you’re impressed you better stay impressed. Or you’ll get tackled with all the women.
If I can reach at least one confused consumer with my message of Better Living Through Lottery Winnings, my efforts will not have been in vain.
Yes, while wearing your penny loafers.
I am announcing a ban on Beatles jokes. How about some nice Barry Manilow gags instead instead?
*Awaits female tackling with open arms*
Well, considering the continually dropping value of the dollar, I think turtles might make a good currency themselves.
It might slow spending, but I think it would be worth it just to hear investors talk about about whether they were bullish or bearish on turtles.
I personally like the image that conjures up of shrewd investors guarding their holdings from the snapping turtles…