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Google Acquires Luxembourg

News Lite:
98% Less Factual Information Than Regular News

Mountain View, CA – In a surprise announcement internet powerhouse Google today revealed that it had acquired the western European country of Luxembourg.

luxembourg.gif

According to European sources, Luxembourgians are enthusiastic about the buyout hoping that Google will bring its highly touted financial and connectivity resources to the aid of the landlocked nation. Prime Minister Jean-Claude Juncker was quoted as saying, “If we must be enveloped by larger powers, at least we can now chose those powers.”

Google gave no indication of what possible use the search engine giant could have for a small country, but speculators have begun to fear a software industry land-grab as hours later Microsoft announced that it was in the process of acquiring the African nation of Lesotho.

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This report brought to you by:

The Amalgamated Assembly of Stammering Stockbrokers
“It’s not just a job, it’s torture.”

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Steam Cleaner Charged With Brainwashing

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Chicago– Small business owner, Harold Smocking, was arrested today on charges of criminal brainwashing. His company, Esteem Cleaners, which provides an innovative combination of personal development and pressure washing, has up until now boasted an impressive track record of profitability and really clean sidewalks.

Witnesses say that Smocking used the boredom and mind numbing noise of his pressure washer to lull victims into a hypnotic state, leaving them vulnerable to his suggestions, which focused mainly on large tips and irrational behavior. Clients’ personal development goals are alleged to have been overridden by Smocking in favor of more entertaining hypnotic suggestions, like profuse public flatulence and singing “I’m a Little Teapot Short and Stout” in crowded bus stations. Smocking is being held without bail with trial set for this sometime this decade.

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This report brought to you by:

The law offices of Avarice and DeCeit,
“Specializing in minor injuries and major settlements, at Avarice and DeCeit you’re not just a number, you’re a number with a lot of zeros behind it.”

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Previous Story: Maslov’s Pyramid Revised

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Maslov’s Pyramid Revised

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Key West – The Institute of Cognitive Institutions today announce that longtime psychological model Maslow’s Pyramid has been revised by the Institute’s board of review, replacing self actualization with chocolate as humanity‘s greatest need.

Funny Psychology- Chocolate in Maslovs New Hierarchy

Created by Abraham Maslow, the pyramid describes the progressive nature of human motivations, starting with basic needs like food and safety near the bottom and moving to progressively higher needs as each one is met. In the original model, self-esteem needs were followed by self-actualization which included accepting individual weaknesses, being unafraid of failure and transcending selfish interests.

“Chocolate was a better fit,” said Institute Director George T. Rutabaga, “self-actualization was just too difficult for most people, so we chose something easier, to help individuals achieve a sense of accomplishment in their personal development.”
Rutabaga describes chocolate as having what psychologists refer to a “pull-up effect” on the other needs. “Hungry? Eat chocolate. Insecure? More chocolate. Unloved? Low self esteem? Chocolate, more chocolate and suddenly you are at the top of the pyramid. This is truly a breakthrough in psychology. ”

Although many psychologists oppose the move, citing psychoanalysis as humanity’s greatest need, recent studies seem to support the ICI decision, linking chocolate intolerance with aggression, warfare and political aspirations.

This report brought to you by:

The Association of Schizophrenic Legislators
“Providing our own majority since 1995.”

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Previous Story: Pharmaceutical Companies Send Troop Surge to Secure Border

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Pharmaceutical Companies Send Troop Surge to Secure Border

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Niagara Falls– The final contingent of private security contractors reported for duty today in Niagara Falls, joining nearly 50,000 troops already deployed along the Canadian-American border. Funded by an alliance of major drug manufacturers, the troops have formed a blockade, effectively sealing off Canada from the American population. John Doughfus, a spokesmen for pharmaceutical giant JonesSmithPixelMilesCough went on record saying, “We’re not just some multi-billion dollar corporation, we are also a legal citizen of this country, and we are concerned about the security of our borders. Don’t think of this as a business move, think of it instead as a international neighborhood watch, keeping our country safe from harm.”

Although no clarification was offered to explain what harm might threaten the security of the northern border, drug troops have so far confiscated several million dollars worth of inexpensive Canadian prescription medicines, terming them “threats to National Economic Security.” In response to questions of operational timelines and the eventual withdrawal of troops, Doughfus said, “It is far too early to talk about retreat. We are here to protect the American people and we will not leave until the threat is eliminated. To pull out now would send the wrong message to the insurgent forces of competition targeting the fragile American economy.”

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The Institute for Public Privacy
“Guarding widely known secrets for longer than we are at liberty to discuss.”

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Previous Story: Driver Ordered To Attend Arrow Literacy Course

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Driver Ordered To Attend Arrow Literacy Course

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Little Rock– This morning Randal Rufus reported to court ordered driving school. Unlike more traditional driving courses, this one focused on parking lots and directional arrows. “I never thought it made no matter which ever way I went in a parking lot, but now I know better,” said Rufus, who was joined by a dozen others at the class.

The course included instruction on identifying arrows, recognizing the direction of arrows, and traveling in the direction of the recognized arrows. Instructor Douglas Brown reports early success with his students, “They are not bad people, they’ve just never been taught proper parking lot etiquette. It’s an exciting opportunity for me, because I am not just teaching, I am helping to break the generational cycle of arrow illiteracy.”

All courses are two weeks long and advanced courses are also available covering dual direction aisles and shopping cart avoidance strategies.

This report brought to you by:

The National Progressively Pessimistic Party
“Reminding you that there has never been a better time for darker outlook.”

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Previous Story: Refund Offered For Unused Turn Signals

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Refund Offered For Unused Turn Signals

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Memphis– Representatives from six major automakers met with the Memphis Area Recycling Service today to conclude negotiations on turn a signal recycling agreement. With sales in a continuing slump, auto manufacturers are seeking new opportunities to cut costs and increase profits. “We are very excited about the potential of this deal,” said Toyota representative, Rick Spudnicker, “Memphis has a staggering wealth of unused turn signals.”

Car owners are being asked to remove their own turn signals and bring them to collection points located all over the city. Refund amounts range between $50 and $200 depending on the make and models of the vehicle. “We couldn’t do this is most communities,” said Spudnicker, “but here in Memphis, these turn signals will never be missed.”

This report brought to by

The Endowment for the Mentally Endowed
“Because smart people need jobs too.”

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