Today’s demonstration of tact:
“I wouldn’t say you’re stupid,
but I would definitely think it.”
—-
Next session: Technique
Previous session: Relapse
Learn more about Dr. Toboggans and his snarktasticly funny psychology.
Another service of the Ominous Comma, the first, middle1, and last name in intelligent humor.
News Lite:
98% Less Factual Information Than Regular News
Chicago– Small business owner, Harold Smocking, was arrested today on charges of criminal brainwashing. His company, Esteem Cleaners, which provides an innovative combination of personal development and pressure washing, has up until now boasted an impressive track record of profitability and really clean sidewalks.
Witnesses say that Smocking used the boredom and mind numbing noise of his pressure washer to lull victims into a hypnotic state, leaving them vulnerable to his suggestions, which focused mainly on large tips and irrational behavior. Clients’ personal development goals are alleged to have been overridden by Smocking in favor of more entertaining hypnotic suggestions, like profuse public flatulence and singing “I’m a Little Teapot Short and Stout†in crowded bus stations. Smocking is being held without bail with trial set for this sometime this decade.
——–
This report brought to you by:
The law offices of Avarice and DeCeit,
“Specializing in minor injuries and major settlements, at Avarice and DeCeit you’re not just a number, you’re a number with a lot of zeros behind it.â€
–
Next story: Google Acquires Luxembourg
Previous Story: Maslov’s Pyramid Revised
News Lite:
98% Less Factual Information Than Regular News
Key West – The Institute of Cognitive Institutions today announce that longtime psychological model Maslow’s Pyramid has been revised by the Institute’s board of review, replacing self actualization with chocolate as humanity‘s greatest need.
Created by Abraham Maslow, the pyramid describes the progressive nature of human motivations, starting with basic needs like food and safety near the bottom and moving to progressively higher needs as each one is met. In the original model, self-esteem needs were followed by self-actualization which included accepting individual weaknesses, being unafraid of failure and transcending selfish interests.
“Chocolate was a better fit,†said Institute Director George T. Rutabaga, “self-actualization was just too difficult for most people, so we chose something easier, to help individuals achieve a sense of accomplishment in their personal development.â€
Rutabaga describes chocolate as having what psychologists refer to a “pull-up effect†on the other needs. “Hungry? Eat chocolate. Insecure? More chocolate. Unloved? Low self esteem? Chocolate, more chocolate and suddenly you are at the top of the pyramid. This is truly a breakthrough in psychology. â€
Although many psychologists oppose the move, citing psychoanalysis as humanity’s greatest need, recent studies seem to support the ICI decision, linking chocolate intolerance with aggression, warfare and political aspirations.
This report brought to you by:
The Association of Schizophrenic Legislators
“Providing our own majority since 1995.â€
–
Next story: Steam Cleaner Charged With Brainwashing
Previous Story: Pharmaceutical Companies Send Troop Surge to Secure Border