Lackladdy G. Ferggusson was known by friends and acquaintances as a lifelong chronic underachiever, but after an inexplicable radioactive silverware accident gave him super-spooning ability, nothing really changed.
Prodded by his mother into hero work as a way of getting him out of the house, Spoonerine found his superpower niche battling semi-liquid villains like the Stenchifying Sludge and the Perfidious Pee-Soup.
Life was looking like an easy victory for Spoony until he met his match against the perplexing might of the Enjiggelating JelloTron, who proceeded to spank his superheroic hind-quarters like a kryponite ping-pong paddle. After that, Spoonerine went into a deep depression.
“Life was dark and suffocating for me,” Spoony later told reporters about that tragic time, “I might have never found my way out if my mom hadn’t pulled off the covers and kicked me out of bed. She put me back on the path of near responsibility.”
Spoonerine snapped back into action, ready to put a hurt on JelloTron only to discover that the villain had taken an early retirement in the Cayman Islands with his ill-gotten gains.
“You can’t really extradite people from there,” Spoonerine was quoted as saying, “the place is crawling with fired CEOs, unscrupulous lawyers, and vacationing politicians. They had an injunction waiting for me before I could get off the plane.”
Giving up on his former nemesis, Spoony turned to acting. He was offered a reality television show, Microwaving with the Almost Famous until a scandal broke over an ill-advised advertisement he had done for Tarnex fifteen years prior.
“I was really excited about that show, we had even licensed that song by Soundgarden for the theme. I really love that song. I hope I get to do another show just so I can use it.”
Spoonerine now spends his time fighting crime, doing accounting and waiting for a shot at one of the major superhero organizations like the Justice League or the Avengers.
Currently he serves as adjunct-sidekick for the farm league club the Bore-o-fying BenchBuddies.
This post is putting electric shavers inside apples to hand out over at humor-blogs.com.
(Laughing so hard I canâ€™t breathe)
â€œProdded by his mother into hero work as a way of getting him out of the house, Spoonerine found his superpower niche battling semi-liquid villains like the Stenchifying Sludge and the Perfidious Pee-Soup.â€
Times of Trouble by Chris Cornell from Temple of the Dog:
When the spoon is hot
And the needle’s shot
And you drift away
I can hear you say
I saw you swinging
Swinging your mother’s sword
I know you’re playing but
Sometimes the rules get hard
But if somebody left you out on a ledge
If somebody pushed you over the edge
If somebody loved you and left you for dead
You got to hold on to your time till you break
Through these times of trouble…
This is my favorite post of all time Brent! I nominate it for Best of the Comma.
(I love Wolverine; my son is named after him…well his secret identity name of Logan)
If I were Camille I’d tell you to keep that look.
I kicked spoonerine’s but!!! However, his sideburns are still way cooler than mine……….
We share the same phobia. I can take on any anybody, anytime, anywhere, but jello makes me cry like a girl. (don’t tell anyone, I have a rep to protect)
Is that what you’re wearing for Halloween?
quite clever…brings back memories of adam sandler on SNL…ever see crazy spoon head?? (dang, couldnt find the vid…) LOL!!! perfect for halloween!! ;)
anyhoo brent…lately when i’ve played my lil character over at the kingdom of loathing, i think, MAN! you should consider writing for those guys ;) you’d be perfect!!
btw…how long did it take for you to grow the burns? LOL!
thanks for the laugh!
It is becoming quite clear that Chris Cornell has a thing for spoons. And why shouldn’t he?
This year I am dressing as a box-hurling drone for a major freight line. I may even get paid for it.
Thanks Josey, I’ll check that site out.
That look with the sideburns and all is for my live-action character, Ruckus MacMullit from the comedy music team DangerCouch. We do a big Christmas show every year and we are gearing up for one now.
If you are interested we have some (high quality) internet episodes and even a DVD of last years show.
Well, I guess that answers the question [that nobody cares to ask] of whether you like to fork or spoon?
I like that song by Soundgarden as well. It actually inspired me enough [while in a very altered state of mind] to try and play the spoons. I quickly found out that my sense of rhythm, and my coordination while intoxicated, is just not that good. Alas, I play a mean stereo, though. You ought to hear it some time.
Ha! I know Camille would never let you do that!
Exactly! One day the three of us will kick JelloTrons hind quarters; if we can find which jiggly end that is!
Well it’s arguably better than Rickey’s Halloween constume, which consisted of wearing a knit hat over a baking potato on Rickey’s head. Rickey was “Boy With Tumor.”
Because, you know, cancer is hilarious.
Ha! Reminds me of this video
The Fantastic Fork would ‘totally own’ Spoonerine’s ass.
I would like to see a fight between edward scissorhands and Spoonerine.
I’ll bet The Tick or Mystery Men could use such super powers.
I know I’ll never hire him again. I wanted to spoon and found him to be cold.
Very utilitarian I might add.
Maybe he should have stuck with just being a baked potato with a nice aluminum foil head piece, like out of Signs.
Possibly, but the Plastifying FastFood Spork could probably take them both.
Funny blog you have there by the way.
Very funny. I really don’t need “powers” that badly.
Cold spoons, warm heart.
He’s very handy in the kitchen. And none too shabby with a litter box either.
The real question is, do you improve with sobriety?
I tried play the steak knives once, but that ended badly.
Sobriety has been good to me in most ways, but rhythm and memory… not so much. Those little brain synapsis thingies up there aren’t firing on all cylinders.
A superhero loved by women everywhere…because of his ability to spoon. :)
Ha, that’s funny Chris C.
This post is still cracking me up days later…
Great post – extremely valuable and hilarious.
Feel free to point the value of these writings to any publishers you happen to meet.