One of the unanticipated side effect of creating this forum of intelligent discussion that we call the Comma, is the continuing demand for insight and explanation into the foggy realms of male behavior. I have never asked to be spokesmen for the gender and Iâ€™m not really sure how it even came about. But as the well known saying goes: â€œWith great power come the ability to approve your own pay raises,â€ and with the exception of the power and the pay part, that is exactly what is happening here.
One of the most frequent questions I get about the complex inner working of the human male is: Why are men so stupid?
One theory, usually proposed by women, is that the male brain is basically mock-up, or a prop that serves no actual function except to provide mass to the head and help maintain proper center of gravity for the rest of the body. These same individuals maintain that the male nervous system is basically a straight wire between stimulus and response. They suggest that the thought patterns of a male human proceed as follows: Feel hungry: get Cheetos, Feel itchy: scratch in public, See woman: harass.
This theory is clearly inaccurate, as it makes no explanation for the male ability to calculate the impressive sports statistics and national defense budgets that make us so proud. The truth is that the male brain does function , but only occasionally. The real problem in this area, as in so many others, is women.
Allow me to explain.
One of the most baffling engineering quirks of the male brain is its tendency to suspend all rational thought upon the introduction of certain key hormones. Scientist have named these mind-altering chemical messengers: stupigen, spazigen, and preposterone.
These hormones, especially in in younger males, are released in response to various forms of stimuli, such as the sight, sound, smell, touch, or general proximity of a breathing female.
The results are immediate. At the first hint of hormone infusion all logical mental processes cease. As the brain reaches hormone inundation, the normally dormant stupiditocortex is activated, releasing random and often destructive thought-impulses into the brain. Finally, upon hormone saturation, the male brain begins to shrink until it reaches critical lack-of-mass, at which point there is an unopposed flow of foolishness throughout the entire nervous system.
This phenomena is best described by the famous mid-eighties philosophers, Whitesnake, in their groundbreaking treatise, Give Me All Your Love Tonight.
I donâ€™t even know your name
I canâ€™t leave you alone
Iâ€™m running round in circles
Like a dog without a bone
I know the game your playing
But baby I just canâ€™t say no.
To the casual observer, it might seem that such a generally mindless condition would be embarrassing for the affected male, but one of the most insidious effects of hormone poisoning is the almost completely blindness of the victim to his own stupidity. Only once hormone flow has receded and normal mental function been restored, does the realization of his recent foolishness begin. In the aftermath of a hormonal incident, a man is left with only painful memories and the certainty of future relapse.
And perhaps a tattoo.
For example, one young man of my acquaintance, an otherwise rational and authorly individual, once leapt off a very tall pier into the Pacific Ocean, fully clothed, in a gallant yet totally-immersing attempt to gain the attention of a young woman. This move came as a complete surprise to the man, as well as the woman, and several unfortunate starfish who sadly succumbed to Falling IQ Syndrome. Upon further investigation, it was discovered that this young man had already obtained the attention of the woman in question, as evidenced by their pre-jump conversation, as well as their recent marriage.
When asked what he was thinking during the debilitating spell of machismo, his only response was, â€œthat the water was a little deeper than that.â€1
This type of irrational behavior can be expected whenever a man is subjected to hormone saturation by the careless presence of a woman. Unfortunately, after the initial onset of hormone poisoning, men find themselves compelled to seek out the presence of women in order to reenact this cycle of stupidity.
Is there any cure? Once in 1964 a team of researchers where on the verge of eradicating the scourge of hormone poisoning until the addition of an attractive female scientist to the team sent them all into a headlong plunge of hormone-induced stupidity. The resulting explosion shattered windows and de-feathered poultry over a twelve mile radius. All notes and research material were destroyed by the blast and the researchers themselves had to be institutionalized for the own good. They are currently under the care of Dr. Harold Toboggans, at the Institute for the Hormonally Confused who has had made significant progress with several pop musicians and the 1985 Russian Womenâ€™s Olympic shot-put team.
What should be clear to everyone by now is that the true cause of occasional male irrationality is of course, women. As maintained by the chauvinists of old, men would be much wiser without female interference. They would also be much lonelier, much hairier, and much more likely to drive themselves completely out of gas before ever asking for directions. Which only proves the wisdom of old saying, â€œWomen, you canâ€™t live with them and they just wonâ€™t stay in the convent.â€
- Any resemblance between the author and this unfortunate individual is purely coincidental and will never be discussed again. ↩
the toilet seat would always be up without women around.
You Sir are a beautiful and qualified Man. Truly beautiful.
I find the influx of raging stupidity in men rather sweet. After all it is the precursor to love right?
The only unbearable part of manâ€™s idiosyncratic hormonal behavior is the extent he allows outside stimuli (i.e. alcohol, peer pressure, etc.) to upgrade this hormonal humiliation to maximum capacity. In other words, if a man is going to embarrass himself for a womenâ€™s momentary entertainment make sure it is pure and from the heart.
ALL THOSE IN FAVOR OF THIS POST TO BE INCLUDED IN THE “BEST OF THE COMMA” SAY “I”
I think Brent is a fine looking fellow myself. Just can’t get enough of looking at him really. Never quite enough.
Must be that hormone poisoning
Why is your name spelled Eddie at the top and Eddy at the bottom. Your hormone poison level is over the top. Please schedule an emergency session with Dr. T immediately!
You are a fine looking fellow.
He visits the iconoclast and irreverent blog
http: // telamamaria.blogspot.com in Reus (Spain)
Thank you, you will not repent.
I have visited yours and I have liked very much
I spell it when I want and however I want Lady!
I’m the Walmart beer taster – show some respect! After a hard day at work I can barely spell anyway – you should feel luck that I come here.
I have notified a small list of folks up here who enjoy your stuff of this site. It may bring more Farnum and Farnsworth types into the fray – for that I apologize in advance. They swarm around us up here like African Killer Bees.
You can always toss some red meat (or caviar in Farnsworth’s case) over the fence and they will chase after it.
Or get your own attack possum
Thank you Lynn, hopefully we will see this one in the â€œBest of the Comma.â€
Amazing, how Brent can crank this stuff out week after weekâ€¦
Actually, I am thinking of having my middle name changed to “Awesome.”
Thank you Debbie, thanks to your cheerleading, this article is now in the Best of the Comma category.
As for my personal beauty, I guess all the years of cosmetic surgery and character injections are finally paying off.
Such a humble man…Brent Awesome Diggs…BAD (the cool slang connotation of course)
Those are my initials already. It would be a simple change.
And more accurate too.
You go Diggs!
The more the merrier. Bring ’em on.
Los cervazas mÃ¡s son muy malas. Por favor, no me llama “Lady.” No me lo gusta. Ud. necesita visitar a Dr. T imediamente.
I’m glad that Debbie and my vote persuaded you to our way of thinking. Democracy is such a wonderful thing.
I think that the Dr. might let me out of prison this weekend on a pass. Maybe you could put in a good word for me during your next session. Thanks.
I think Brent can crank it out week after week because he is in continual contact with the aliens. They feed him new information every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. That is why he chose those days to put in new posts. I know that it is true because I heard it from one of my fellow inmates, and we all know that they NEVER lie!
Forget the pass Lynn; Iâ€™m coming for you now. You are the last member of the wonderfully dysfunctional OC family that needs to be in the Big House.
Hello Mr. Magee! There are thousands of OC readers out there but only a few of us actually comment. If you have some W-A-C-K-Y friends that are not afraid to comment we would love to harassâ€¦I mean engage in some quality conversation. (Iâ€™d like a little bit of that caviar since your sharing)
Thanks for participating in the 10th edition of the Carnival of the Storytellers. The edition is up and running at:
Loved this story. You omitted to mention what happens when alcohol is introduced…
The result is amnesia…which is why that part has been left out. Thanks for swinging by.