I entered the establishment off a crowded thoroughfare. The place was dark, only the occasional splash of illumination painting the stark white walls. The scent of teenage aftershave mingled freely through the sparse crowd.
Music, blunt and pulsating, saturated the air like a rhythmic fog, filling every breath, every pore, with barometric waves of insistence.
Its beat was warm and relentless as it slowly worked its way down my spine, following the tangled trajectory of my nervous system.
Imperceptibly at first, I started to twitch and then to sway in an unsettling approximation of rhythm, every moment abandoning myself further to the sound’s harsh demands.
Soon I began to embrace my inner dancer, earnestly shaking what my mother had passed on to me. That’s when I heard it, the strident sound of reality calling from some distant area code.
“Dad! What are you doing?! This is a store. You’re supposed to buy things here.”
Chastened, yet still not free of the music’s hypnotic grasp I stumbled toward the exit, pausing to check a few price tags as a cover for my retreat. I had to squint to make out the numbers in the darkness, but eventually discerned their message. Sticker shock did more than any number of offended offspring to restore me from my senses and propel me to the safety of the waiting mall.
Later, despite the urging of my immediate family, my lawyers assured me that a formal apology would not be required. Nonetheless I have decided to issue the following statement:
“Owners, manager, and employees of Hollister, Inc, have no fear. No matter what the current economic uncertainty holds for you and your overpriced garments, if times get tough be assured that you can always fall back on the nightclub trade.”
Humor-blogs.com will be happy to take you to the mall. Alltop.com will even buy you an Orange Julius.
I want to apologize to all of my readers. To those currently engrossed in this article, to those yet to discover this blog, and even to those whose best attempts at reading so far have been limited to glassy stares in the direction of diaper packaging.
I have let you all down.
Approximately one year ago I informed you that I had discovered the secret of the U.S. economy…
Approximately one year ago I informed you that I had discovered the secret of the U.S. economy. I assured you that it was a relatively uncomplicated matter and, due to its simplicity and security, that you needn’t worry yourselves too much about it.
More specifically, I revealed to the members of the Comma-reading public that despite its complex appearance, the national financial system was in fact controlled entirely by a small fan.
Well, now the economy is suffering and I feel responsible.
Yes, it seems that our own Doctor Harold Toboggans who has several patients within the upper echelons of the federal fiduciary community, used his undue influence to borrow the Fan of State for his own nefarious purposes and in doing so, broke it.
It must be realized that the Economy Fan is a delicate instrument, designed for the rarified air of upper level economic circles; it was never intended to handle the extreme pressures of ego inflation, especially those of an obesely overblown ego like that possessed by Dr. Toboggans.
Being the individual responsible for introducing the doctor’s analytical arrogance to the world, I must assume some blame for this tragic turn of events.
And so in an effort to help mitigate this whole unpleasant mess, I am launching an invigorating multi-part series dedicated to the prospect of worldwide economic betterment.
Watch this space for the next adrenalizing installment of this series, Buck-O-Quest, coming urgently soon.
(Or you could skip the whole suspenseful vigil and just subscribe to the Comma in a feedreader or by email.)
(Or not, it’s up to you.)
Suspense over. Here’s the entire Buck-O-Quest series for your perusal.
Part 1- Taking Economic Recovery For A Spin
Part 2- Putting The Economy In Motion
Part 3 – Shoring Up Liquid Assets
Part 4 – The Buck Stops at Last
Bonus – What The Promised Recession Means To You
Bonus 2 – Stimulus Package Video
This post can be found stimulating circulation over at humor-blogs.com
Lackladdy G. Ferggusson was known by friends and acquaintances as a lifelong chronic underachiever, but after an inexplicable radioactive silverware accident gave him super-spooning ability, nothing really changed.
Prodded by his mother into hero work as a way of getting him out of the house, Spoonerine found his superpower niche battling semi-liquid villains like the Stenchifying Sludge and the Perfidious Pee-Soup.
Life was looking like an easy victory for Spoony until he met his match against the perplexing might of the Enjiggelating JelloTron, who proceeded to spank his superheroic hind-quarters like a kryponite ping-pong paddle. After that, Spoonerine went into a deep depression.
“Life was dark and suffocating for me,” Spoony later told reporters about that tragic time, “I might have never found my way out if my mom hadn’t pulled off the covers and kicked me out of bed. She put me back on the path of near responsibility.”
Spoonerine snapped back into action, ready to put a hurt on JelloTron only to discover that the villain had taken an early retirement in the Cayman Islands with his ill-gotten gains.
“You can’t really extradite people from there,” Spoonerine was quoted as saying, “the place is crawling with fired CEOs, unscrupulous lawyers, and vacationing politicians. They had an injunction waiting for me before I could get off the plane.”
Giving up on his former nemesis, Spoony turned to acting. He was offered a reality television show, Microwaving with the Almost Famous until a scandal broke over an ill-advised advertisement he had done for Tarnex fifteen years prior.
“I was really excited about that show, we had even licensed that song by Soundgarden for the theme. I really love that song. I hope I get to do another show just so I can use it.”
Spoonerine now spends his time fighting crime, doing accounting and waiting for a shot at one of the major superhero organizations like the Justice League or the Avengers.
Currently he serves as adjunct-sidekick for the farm league club the Bore-o-fying BenchBuddies.
This post is putting electric shavers inside apples to hand out over at humor-blogs.com.
Yet another weekend bonus from the copious coffers of Comma content.
The scene opens on two executives seated at a large and imposing conference table. Fear marks the faces of these once proud men. The air is thick with tension and the smell of sweaty Italian shoes..
Number One: Weâ€™ve got a problem.
Number Two: Sexy?
Number One: Yes. Itâ€™s gone.
Number Two: This is bad,
Number One: Very bad.
The door opens abruptly, the upper torso of Number Three, a young woman, extends into the room.
Number One: I told you not to interrupt–
Number Three: But itâ€™s Timberlake, heâ€™s bringing sexy back!
A sound like the escaping helium of a downed dirigible is heard from Number One’s lips.
Number One: Thank God.
Number Two: Weâ€™re saved!
“Are you guys blind? It was over there the whole time. ”
For a limited time you can subscribe to the Ominous Comma for half off the already low rate of competence.
This is a deal not to be missed.
Today’s demonstration of tact:
“I wouldnâ€™t say youâ€™re stupid,
but I would definitely think it.”
Next session: Technique
Previous session: Relapse
Learn more about Dr. Toboggans and his snarktasticly funny psychology.
Another service of the Ominous Comma, the first, middle, and last name in intelligent humor.
The Fording Report
Instigative journalism from Harold Fording – Presented by Dissociated Press
I have for you today a story so unexpected, so shocking, so absolutely Pulitzer-worthy, that I barely have to time to write it because of all the hours I am putting in on my award acceptance speech.
Itâ€™s not just a scoop, itâ€™s an industrial earth-mover of a story, complete with hard-hats, cat-calls, and other hyphenated accessories.
The entire world has been aghast at certain, fairly recent developments in Californiaâ€™s Sacramento River, namely the unexpected presence of two Humpback whales in it. Scientists, whale watchers, and environmentalists alike have all been at a loss to explain this directional mishap, but in one of my regular displays of journalistic superiority I have uncovered the full story.
For hundred if not thousands of years, whales have been faced with countless human-devised threats to their well-being, including but not limited to: rising ocean temperatures, the whaling industry, and Herman Melvilleâ€™s Moby Dick. For countless years whales have faced these threats with resignation and pacifism, but recently things have changed under the sea.
Whales are fighting back.
For so long have humans have enjoyed their â€œmasteryâ€ of the seas that no one recognized the threat at first.
A mechanical difficulty here, a grounded ship there, even a even the â€œunexplainedâ€ fire on the whaling ship Nisshin Maru where not recognized for what they were: a whale counterstrike.
And with the discovery of cetacean operatives moving upriver towards Californiaâ€™s vulnerable interior, there can be no doubt that we are witnessing the beginning of a new phase of inter-species combat.
Fortunately, I was able to reveal their destructive purposes before they had a chance to reek any havoc on the Sunshine State.
Now, with their mission compromised by hard hitting journalism, the wary whales have disappeared as unexpectedly as they arrived, eluding marine biologists, port authorities, and Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, whose presence, although not actually near the incident, was enough to send the aquatic terrorists swimming for their autograph books.
Although things seem quiet for now, I donâ€™t think we have heard the last from these dangerous denizens of the deep.
As always, this is Herman Fording with the second-half of the rest of the extended version of the whole story.
Click here for Herman Fordingâ€™s next award-leeching feature:
Rouge Agent Flips Canada The Bucket
Or see Fordingâ€™s previous effort at newsworthiness click here:
Simply Stunning Examples of Sensational Headlines