I have been reading up on Search Engine Optimization lately and my research has inspired me to try and clarify the focus and purpose of the Ominous Comma, in the hope of reaching a greater percentage of my internet neighbors with the glad tidings of my existence.
Regular readers will have already grasped the humorous intent of these pages, but since my presentation is often very highbrow and almost always very, very, very dry, causal observers, may they be human or search engine, may not immediately grasp the point of all this Very Exciting Nonsense.
Some people would say that the problem lay in my Search Optimization skills. Those people would be wrong. The real problem is this: Google is an idiot.
Regular readers may also recall a similar effort a few months ago, namely my spectacular sellout, in which I boldly inserted the world â€™humorâ€™ into my subtitle in a valiant attempt to garner more attention for this site. Search engines however, seem to have no respect for effort, and the exhaustive restructuring of nearly a dozen letter in my top- part- header- thingy has so far brought me very little in the way of visitors. Some people would say that the problem lay in my Search Optimization skills. Those people would be wrong. The real problem is this: Google is an idiot.
I know that those who lovingly pour over these pages are not used to such harsh language, and if I suspected that Google Search had been dropped on its head as an infant algorithm, I would be much more delicate with my words. But what else can I say about any so-called program, the result of hundreds of thousand of hours of loving devotion and nurture, that cannot grasp the exuberant joy and articulate humor of this publication?
So with apologies in advance to all my subscribers and other loyal constituents of this blog, I am going to attempt to explain what the Ominous Comma is all about, using small keywords so any non-corporeal visitors can follow along.
The Ominous Comma is about humor, intelligent humor,1 humor that launches itself from the shining phosphors of your monitor and grabs you by the cerebellum, wringing the laughter from the irony centers of the brain like an over-filled sponge.
Humor that takes no prisoners, that is unafraid to fill articles, take occasional plunges into satire, and even lightly caresses the cheek of politics.
Humor that is proud of the term humor and is not considering a name change to Funny, Witty, or Mildly Jovial.
Humor that doesnâ€™t have time for celebrities or reality TV because it is still in college even though its synapses have advanced far beyond what are normally considered the Learning Years.
Humor whose wife frequents these pages and therefore cannot resort to boobies and bikinis to bring in traffic but must actually write essays and articles to attract the masses.
That kind of humor.
To further clarify and annoy, I will give a brief list of my influences to help you determine whether or not you have found the right Internet Humor Provider for you.
Anyone able to use the word â€œscrumblyâ€ in a sentence.
The Far Side
Anyone receiving a mandatory sentence for using the word â€œscrumbly.â€
The Scumbly Scrumblers of Scrumblitude.
The Peter Principle by Laurence Peter and Raymond Hull.
I think that about covers it. Remember, if you are looking for political diatribe you are at the wrong site. Similarly if you thirst for gossip or computer tech stuff, you are not going to find much of that here. All you are going to find here is the funniest stuff that anyone has ever written.
Just as long as you define anyone as me.
- If you are not intelligent, I am sorry but I am going to have to ask you to stop reading right now. If you are illiterate, I need you to stop staring at the screen pretending to read. Go loiter somewhere else.
Sorry, rules are rules. ↩
So, instead of writing an article or story, or even a short original post, you blog about your blog.
You plug your own site and pass it off at entertainment?
Talk about lame.
It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I will not be coming back to this site.
You see Fording, this is exactly what I was telling you about. If it wasnâ€™t for my considerable intervention, he would have gone to pieces by now.
Hey I didn’t read all that but where are the pictures of naked chicks lolz
I’m illiterate AND unintelligent. However, I suffer from short-term memory loss, so I end up doing just fine. It’s amazing what you can do if you forget you can’t do something. Go figure.
What was I saying?
There are extremely motivated individuals in this world who have little talent. There are exceptionally talented individuals in this world with zero motivation. Every now and then you stumble across someone who is exceptionally talented and extremely motivated.
In my opinion, (who am I?) Brent is the most original comedy writer Iâ€™ve come across in a long time. I would have made this known earlier in the day if it werenâ€™t for my job getting in the way.
Brent = Perfection in Comedy writing. Soon we will be paying for the privilege of reading his work. Iâ€™d fork over large sums of cash for a collection of his short essays.
(Does this mark me as the official OC Brownnose?)
Congratulations Debbie, on receiving the first ever OCBN award.
This prestigous honor entitles you to rewards beyond imagination.
So far beyond that even I can’t imagine what they might be.
Wear it with pride
it’s alway interesting to see where people get their humor inspiration or presperation –you already know I like Steven Wright — well, you should by now…Yes, Dave Berry has made too much money and needs to share and Far Side is the best…oh, yeah, Dilbert is funny too…Oscar Wilde and I were good buddies… the other scrumblies and squigglies or whatevers I don’t think I have seen on the side of the road yet…I knew you would want to have my approval…
Actually, usually one is named a brownnose only if the flattery is manufactured and spewed solely for the purpose of gaining something in return. (All I got was this lousy OCBN award)
I can’t help it if I just get it. It pains me to be so honest. Maybe you could just write something sh*%%y. I dare you. You can’t can you? I’ll be ready to pounce if you do.
I’ll have to remember to try your forgetting strategy.
Your approval is noted and complimented for its good taste.
Note to self:
Post no crap, Debbie’s waiting to pounce.
Debbie, are you trying to be a guest writer on this blog?
To elaborate a little more on my first comment, a guest writer would have to have some talent and motivation. I have neither.
I can’t speak for your motivation, but I believe you have the talent and just the right amount of disconnection from reality to do an excellent job of postification.
At the very least you could write the text of the OCBN award.
But you might have to wear rubber gloves.
I think Iâ€™ll stick to being a professional commenter. Ha!
Any blog inspired by Monty Python and Voltaire is good enough for me. Those two guys were very funny.
“By the way, which one’s pink?”
Pink is the singer who sang “Let’s get the party started” was that what you were asking????
(sigh again) Absolutely.
Absolutely no naked women, bikinis, or references thereof. Sorry Zesty. This site is smut free.
I have had an offer from ABC and CBS. Let me know if you can beat it. I will offer my exclusive story only if you can help me. I do prefer your “spin” on things. Let me know before tomorrow. I’m getting out of this dampness soon.
Gash, your posts are so fun to read. I just like your posts. : )
Thank you, Silver.
How about a couple of bikini shots of just you? The ratings would be fantastic. Think about it.
I think Fording left town again, but I will try to locate him for you.
This comment, couple with Brent’s *sigh*, leads me to believe that no one realizes I was being facetious.
I don’t think you are allowed to comment on this sight without being facetious, sarcastic, sardonic or even moronic.
oops “site” not “sight”
Not to mention wry, flippant, ironic, cryptic or sophomoric.
now that you are beginning to get your SEO down you should consider purchasing traffic. the bids may not be as high as you think (i personally have no idea). sort of like cheating the SEO system but, in exchange for becoming google’s b*tch
I was also being facetious, as was Camille (the Hot Comma Momma.) I guess we need some system of sarcasticons so everyone can know just exactly how much tongue is being applied to cheek.
Of course I would probably overuse the “laugh hysterically or die” symbol.
I believe the public has a right to know about your horrific ordeal. They also have a right to hear it from me.
Meet me just north of the secret government frosting facility across from the Yeti breeding grounds. Come alone and don’t be late.
(Ted Koppel is gonna soil his skivvies when he sees the story I’ve got.)
Thanks for helping out, I was indisposed at work. (There’s a country song in there somewhere, screaming to get out.)
I’m not interested in being anyone’s cell mate, especially after that last stretch I did with Microsoft. (Talk about needy.)
However,I am not opposed to hordes and hordes of happy readers frolicking joyfully through the Comma.
But I don’t know why I should pay them though. After all, I’m already giving away the cow and the milk for free.
The least they could do is buy me flowers.
I am relieved beyond comprehension that you will be covering my story. Ted is great and all, but he does not have your style or dashing good looks. I will not be late.
I could use your support on this one. You know how Fording can be. Please meet me .45/hr before Fording at the secret government cake facility to help me get ready. Please bring me a fresh clothing change and some badly needed make-up. Also, if you could distract Dr. T and his hounds that would also be helpful. See you soon.
You want a .45 to meet Fording?
I would recommend a more substantial weapon like a .50 caliber rifle, or a shotgun at the very least.
But that’s just me.
I don’t own a gun but I’ll bring my killer smile.
(I really should not let this be known but I’m kind of excited to meet Fording. I think between the two of us we can keep him in line.)
Thank you so much Debbie. I knew that I could count on you!
Okay, so I searched google for “highly intelligent and humorous satire similar to douglas adams” and it took me straight to you. So come, on cough it up. Seriously, I’m waiting…
Having absorbed your wordlings on this blog post and subsequently medicated myself for the adverse reaction your search-engine-hating doctrine induced, I must now beg to differ with your assessment that “Google is an idiot.” (Well, maybe not so much beg as viscerally expatiate at you with great loathing and alacritous contempt.) Allow me to explain…
The El Dorado Cartographer’s Society was an idiot. The Atlantian Real Estate Investment Collective was an idiot. Google is more like the bits and pieces of a camel and a 1927 Aston Martin strewn randomly about a prosthetic belly button factory which just happens to be run entirely by narcoleptic pigeons with an altitude fetish. You provide most people with this sort of locus from whence to commence and pretty quickly they’re just getting bonked in the head by plunging pigeon missiles. Still, most can grab a prosthetic belly button or two and run like hell. Thus, Google is accessible and useful to the masses. And while I can admit that on the surface a prosthetic belly button factory run by narcoleptic pigeons could seem idiotic, just imagine how when visited by luminaries such as Dr. Frankenstein and Isaac Asimov, it could facilitate a robotic camel monster second to none! So you can see that Google is surely that increasingly ubiquitous type of tool rife in this technological era; one who’s usefulness mirrors the creative mental agility and flexibility of it’s master.
Of course the hidden plum is that it also works in reverse, which is how I happened to arrive here to begin with. It’s much like jumping in a taxi and the taxi driver asking someone at your destination where you’re going. Google, my friend, is not an idiot. Nay, Google is a really hoopy frood.
Anonymous Bosch -I love Douglas Adams. So much so, that I have named all my children “42” which causes a bit of confusion around the house, but is a small price to pay to be continually reminded of his genius.
All joking aside though, google can’t tell you what pages are funny, any more than it can tell you which monster illustrations are really good. All it can tell is which pages throw certain terms around most “effectively.”
That’s why a site full of recycled jokes and ten year old emails will rank higher in the listings than original and creative work, because google calculates the number of times words like “funny humor” appear in the copy rather than the quality of the work itself.
Calculating quality rather than quantity is of course is a tough job for a computer, but I’m sure Deep Thought could have done it.
Dear Mr. 42, Sr., sir:
Your assessment of Google is spot on (except of course for the part where my search worked)! Hahaha! Just kidding, I know what you mean. Google is certainly not perfect. But I think the point I was mostly trying to make (and I’ll water board myself later in the shower to confirm this) is that where you say “Google is an idiot”, I say “People is an idiot.”
Well, that was very concise if unclear. (Concise is not one of my natural attributes is why I’m clapping.)
In summation, your blog is exactly the sort of humor I was searching for, so Google is at least capable of limited success provided the user wields it like a lucky hammer.
Hmmm, perhaps, there are shades of Dirk Gently built directly into Google? I look forward to your future posts.
a.k.a, Derelict Brain,
a.k.a., Hugh Manzuno (pronounced: “Humans Who Know”),
a.k.a., His Toddness of Mergatroid
Wow, the sight may not have been updated in a while, but I had to say this. The first few comments make me lose faith in humanity. Seriously people, this man is hilarious and knows what real humor is. Thank you, Brent.
Thank you Dylan. Fording and Toboggans often make me lose faith in humanity a well, but I appreciate you setting the record straight.