Therapist, eyesore, and my own personal nightmare Doctor Harold Toboggans is threatening the Cooper Young Festival with his presence this year, according to sources with the misfortune of being close to him.
Insiders deep within the squalid confines of Toboggans Industries, say that the Doctor is intent on “curing” the estimated eighty-five thousand people expected to attend the festival from some new mental scourge that he won’t describe.
Like a James Bond villain, he even monologued about it at some depth on his tacky new site mindovermemphis.org.
After a long time of holding out faith, hope, and various restraining orders, it appears that Doctor Harold Toboggans is finally and truly gone.
Even the renowned Memphis Psychiatric Recovery Team has called off their search and concentrated their efforts instead on comforting his former clients during their time of grief and newly reclaimed cash flow.
It seems that there is nothing left to do but to mourn his passing and how long it took to arrive.
For many, the holiday season is a time of pain and emotional suffering. Broken hearts, ruptured spleens, and damaged livers litter the roadsides of this nominally festive season, leaving untold numbers collecting the discarded refuse like convicts under a particularly cruel sentence of community service.
And always, since the advent of human society, the only cure for such torment has been time. Or occasionally death.
This is why Toboggans Industries is inordinately proud to announce it latest life-altering consumer product: Organ Needles.
With Toboggans’ Industries Organ Needles, your delicate innards can be patched, darned, and well on their way to surgical wholeness with only a fraction of the formerly required chronological investment.
Now you can face the new year with confidence and inner-abdominal integrity thanks to your friends at Toboggans’ Industries.
Listen to just a few of countless satisfied customers:
“When I’m elbow deep in a tricky appendecto-embroidery, it’s a real relief to know that since I let my license lapse, I can’t be sued for malpractice. It’s also handy to have a handful of Organ Needles, because using that rusty paperclip makes my fingers cramp so badly that I can scarcely count my money. Thank you Toboggans Industries, you’re a real hand-saver.”
Chief of Ornamentation, Squeeky’s Discount Intestinal Repair.
“In my business I’ve tried every kind of needle made, from cheap remanufactured veterinary models to twelve-gauge industrial hypodermics. For my money nothing beats Toboggans’ Organ Needles. They never shatter, they never ricochet, and they never ever break, not even during the removal of an inadvertent ballistic skeletal embedment. And let me tell you, the vice-grips deliver some real mechanical sheer when you’re yanking one of those babies out of a femur. A lesser needle would snap like a psychotic breakfast cereal, but Toboggans’ Industries Organ Needles hold up every time.”
Dr. Patty Cakebaker,
Tri-Burrow Institute of Pneumatic Acupuncture.
“With organ thefts on the rise, business has been skyrocketing. I’ve had to schedule double shifts, hire primates, and cancel all vacation and holidays for my staff. The only thing that hasn’t quit on me are my Organ Needles from Toboggans’ Industries.”
Owner, Inner ID: Organ Engraving and Tissue Registry
You’ve heard what the experts have to say. Now let Toboggans Industries help you write some success stories of your own. Order your pack of anatomically correcting, occasionally sterile Organ Needles today.
For a limited time, every order of Organ Needles comes with this container of brine-fortified artichoke hearts, so you can practice your stitchery skills and develop professional level confidence without all the blood, mess, and self-anesthetic complications of actual surgery.