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Zombies, Memphis, and Toboggans

On May 28th at precisely 6:32 pm, the normally quiet streets of downtown Memphis erupted into the flagrant flurry of festering flesh that is the annual Memphis Zombie Massacre.

The roads ran red with corn syrup as the undead participants faced a horror worse than their own potent halitosis…the sickening specter of Doctor Harold Toboggans.

Ever conscientious to cash, the Doctor dedicated himself to separating the recently reanimated from their money.

Joining Zombies Anonymous and Cerebitol AZ in the lineup of dubious products offered by Toboggans this year was the brand-new Zombait zombie distractant. (video to come)

For further accounts of this heart-rending event be sure to check out scribblescrawl, TheoGeo, Zach Breaux as well as the flickr photo pool and the Doctor’s own Facebook album.

Doctor Toboggans Threatens Cooper Young Fest

Therapist, eyesore, and my own personal nightmare Doctor Harold Toboggans is threatening the Cooper Young Festival with his presence this year, according to sources with the misfortune of being close to him.

Insiders deep within the squalid confines of Toboggans Industries, say that the Doctor is intent on “curing” the estimated eighty-five thousand people expected to attend the festival from some new mental scourge that he won’t describe.

Like a James Bond villain, he even monologued about it at some depth on his tacky new site mindovermemphis.org.

My advice: run.

Cerebitol AZ – Anti Zombie Patch

Sometimes incredible just isn’t good enough.

Last May, when the revolutionary Zombies Anonymous program was introduced, it was met with rave reviews and hundreds of overjoyed customers.

Dr Toboggans and patient

But Doctor Harold Toboggans wasn’t satisfied.

He knew that there must be something more, something that he and the dedicated staff at Toboggans Industries could do to relieve those reanimated wretches from their undead suffering and unspent cash.

He thought deeply

He released directives and commissioned programs.

He reorganized the corporation, refinanced the lab, and refolded his socks.

And then, after nearly a full day of grueling research and untold minutes of clinical trials, Doctor Toboggans introduced Cerebitol AZ – the ultimate topical application anti-zombitory patch.

Anti Zombie Patch Box

Cerebitol AZ – Anti Zombie Patch

Made from synthetic neurotransmitters and genuine cranial extracts, Cerebitol AZ offers unprecedented 12 hour freedom from the symptoms of zombieism.

With Cerebitol AZ you can:

  • Control your craving for brains
  • Cut down on between meal snacking
  • Gain relief from the discomfort of Chronic Deceased Syndrome

Don’t believe it? We don’t blame you, but see for yourself as Doctor Toboggans demonstrates Cerebitol AZ on the undead citizens of Memphis.

Anti Zombie Patch

With the combined power of Cerebitol AZ and Zombies Anonymous, not to mention the limitless genius of  Doctor Harold Toboggans, you can at last leave your lurching lust for human tissue behind.

Only from Toboggans Industries – Life Improvement for the Success Deficient.

Saying Goodbye to Doctor Toboggans

After a long time of holding out faith, hope, and various restraining orders, it appears that Doctor Harold Toboggans is finally and truly gone.

Even the renowned Memphis Psychiatric Recovery Team has called off their search and concentrated their efforts instead on comforting his former clients during their time of grief and newly reclaimed cash flow.

It seems that there is nothing left to do but to mourn his passing and how long it took to arrive.

That and try to lay claim to the lucrative patents held by Toboggans Industries.

So here is your opportunity to bid farewell to that fount of hot air and therapeutic malpractice, and to raise a toast…or perhaps an army in his memory.

I know it’s difficult, but please take a moment to share your most awkward, painful, or just plain expensive memories of Doctor Harold Toboggans.

It’s okay, you’re among friends.

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P.S. If you like my fine collection of Tobogganabilia and would like to be my super special photo-buddy, or would just like to see a higher resolutioned slideshow, you can find me here:

Flickr | Picasa | Fotki | 23

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Dr. T always said he wanted to be remembered with a click on humor-blogs.com and a quick round of alltop.com.

Holiday Recovery

For many, the holiday season is a time of pain and emotional suffering. Broken hearts, ruptured spleens, and damaged livers litter the roadsides of this nominally festive season, leaving untold numbers collecting the discarded refuse like convicts under a particularly cruel sentence of community service.

And always, since the advent of human society, the only cure for such torment has been time. Or occasionally death.

Until now.

This is why Toboggans Industries is inordinately proud to announce it latest life-altering consumer product: Organ Needles.

Organ Needles perfect for patching up holiday heartbreak

With Toboggans’ Industries Organ Needles, your delicate innards can be patched, darned, and well on their way to surgical wholeness with only a fraction of the formerly required chronological investment.

Now you can face the new year with confidence and inner-abdominal integrity thanks to your friends at Toboggans’ Industries.

Listen to just a few of countless satisfied customers:

“When I’m elbow deep in a tricky appendecto-embroidery, it’s a real relief to know that since I let my license lapse, I can’t be sued for malpractice. It’s also handy to have a handful of Organ Needles, because using that rusty paperclip makes my fingers cramp so badly that I can scarcely count my money. Thank you Toboggans Industries, you’re a real hand-saver.”

Russell Standish,
Chief of Ornamentation, Squeeky’s Discount Intestinal Repair.

“In my business I’ve tried every kind of needle made, from cheap remanufactured veterinary models to twelve-gauge industrial hypodermics. For my money nothing beats Toboggans’ Organ Needles. They never shatter, they never ricochet, and they never ever break, not even during the removal of an inadvertent ballistic skeletal embedment. And let me tell you, the vice-grips deliver some real mechanical sheer when you’re yanking one of those babies out of a femur. A lesser needle would snap like a psychotic breakfast cereal, but Toboggans’ Industries Organ Needles hold up every time.”

Dr. Patty Cakebaker,
Tri-Burrow Institute of Pneumatic Acupuncture.

“With organ thefts on the rise, business has been skyrocketing. I’ve had to schedule double shifts, hire primates, and cancel all vacation and holidays for my staff. The only thing that hasn’t quit on me are my Organ Needles from Toboggans’ Industries.”

Lyndon Brieges,
Owner, Inner ID: Organ Engraving and Tissue Registry

You’ve heard what the experts have to say. Now let Toboggans Industries help you write some success stories of your own. Order your pack of anatomically correcting, occasionally sterile Organ Needles today.

Artichoke Hearts

For a limited time, every order of Organ Needles comes with this container of brine-fortified artichoke hearts, so you can practice your stitchery skills and develop professional level confidence without all the blood, mess, and self-anesthetic complications of actual surgery.

Step Into The Light With Doctor Harold Toboggans

Founder and CEO, Dr. Harold Toboggans

This post is just the thing for the countless fractured gall-bladders at humor-blogs.com