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Today our economic survival series Buck-O-Quest rolls on like the mighty Mississippi River: slowly, majestically, and with a distinct lack of clarity.

We will begin with more Concerned Reader correspondence.

Dear Author,

First off, let me thank you for the way you’ve handled the economy. Everyone I’ve ever read always approaches it from the perspective of homeowners, job holders, and other overachievers. Thank you for keeping it real.

My question is this: having invested my money in a balanced portfolio of malt liquor, cheap wine, and other liquid assets, is there any way I could continue to bypass employment and just live off the interest?


George Wellfeller, Central Park, NYC


You present an interesting problem. How does a person who has basically spent every dollar on alcoholic beverages, wrangle a profit from such an investment?

Fortunately for you, and those like you, the U.S. government is already on the case. Thanks to the Federal Department of Intoxicant Commodification and their willingness to underwrite a network of small, privately owned alcohol exchanges, you may yet stave off the clutches of personal industry.

Liquor Bank

FDIC – Keeping Spirits High and the Market for Spirits Higher.

Originally created to subsidize failing savings and loan institutions, the FDIC is always on the lookout for a losing cause. They are currently backing liquor layaway plans and small self-distillation-kit loans and are expected to soon branch out into the burgeoning blood plasma market.

Thank you George for your question, it is always good to see someone putting those wi-fi soup kitchens to good use.

Don’t be bearish, the fundamentals are sound on the entire Buck-O-Quest series.
Part 1- Taking Economic Recovery For A Spin
Part 2- Putting The Economy In Motion
Part 3 – Shoring Up Liquid Assets
Part 4 – The Buck Stops at Last
Bonus – What The Promised Recession Means To You
Bonus 2 – Stimulus Package Video

If you have a pressing question you wish to ask the Author, or if you’re truly desperate, ask Doctor Toboggans, you may do so at the newly instituted Ominous Contact Page.