I want to apologize to all of my readers. To those currently engrossed in this article, to those yet to discover this blog, and even to those whose best attempts at reading so far have been limited to glassy stares in the direction of diaper packaging.
I have let you all down.
Approximately one year ago I informed you that I had discovered the secret of the U.S. economy…
Approximately one year ago I informed you that I had discovered the secret of the U.S. economy. I assured you that it was a relatively uncomplicated matter and, due to its simplicity and security, that you needn’t worry yourselves too much about it.
More specifically, I revealed to the members of the Comma-reading public that despite its complex appearance, the national financial system was in fact controlled entirely by a small fan.
Well, now the economy is suffering and I feel responsible.
Yes, it seems that our own Doctor Harold Toboggans1 who has several patients within the upper echelons of the federal fiduciary community, used his undue influence to borrow the Fan of State for his own nefarious purposes and in doing so, broke it.
It must be realized that the Economy Fan is a delicate instrument, designed for the rarified air of upper level economic circles; it was never intended to handle the extreme pressures of ego inflation, especially those of an obesely overblown ego like that possessed by Dr. Toboggans.
Being the individual responsible for introducing the doctor’s analytical arrogance to the world, I must assume some blame for this tragic turn of events.2
And so in an effort to help mitigate this whole unpleasant mess, I am launching an invigorating multi-part series dedicated to the prospect of worldwide economic betterment.
Watch this space for the next adrenalizing installment of this series, Buck-O-Quest, coming urgently soon.
(Or you could skip the whole suspenseful vigil and just subscribe to the Comma in a feedreader or by email.)
(Or not, it’s up to you.)
Suspense over. Here’s the entire Buck-O-Quest series for your perusal.
Part 1- Taking Economic Recovery For A Spin
Part 2- Putting The Economy In Motion
Part 3 – Shoring Up Liquid Assets
Part 4 – The Buck Stops at Last
Bonus – What The Promised Recession Means To You
Bonus 2 – Stimulus Package Video
—–
This post can be found stimulating circulation over at humor-blogs.com
- The phrase “our own Doctor Toboggans” in this context does not denote pride or ownership but merely an unpleasant and unavoidable association, such as found between men and woman, men and remotes, and Mississippi and deep fried Twinkies. ↩
- No legal liability is admitted or implied by this statement, please adhere to all applicable lawyer restraint codes and frivolous litigation restrictions. Please keep your attorney on a leash unless posted. ↩
It’s for reasons just like this that I am seriously considering going with the tapeworm.
Oh you can lend them anything can you, Never trust a Dr with a moustache… unless of course its Dr Mario…
Fix it quick! I hear the current administration is currently using a garbage disposal as a substitute.
I actually guffawed at the economy fan picture. I never knew what a guffaw was before, but now I do. Thank you.
The other day I was trying to carry a bucket of kitty litter and having a devil of a time, so I stopped and looked at the label, and sure enough, it said that it was “non-conveyable.”
ryc: Magic is addictive my friend. And so are brownies. Put them together and you’re playing with fire. Delicious fire.
I’ve got a small fan the government can borrow. I’m not really using it. They just better get it back to me come summertime.
I tried taking Economic Responsibility for a spin once, but it complained of dizziness and I had to pull over. Perhaps if the good Doctor would simply offer his fan-base free samples of Dramamine all would be well?
Brent,
The solution is easy. Just tell Dr. T that if he does not give the fan back then none of his patients will be able to pay him.
I only like Dr. Toboggans because we have matching widow’s peak hairlines. I don’t really focus in much on what he’s saying because I keep thinking that if we both dyeed our hair black we could go as Micky and Minnie Mouse for Halloween sometime.
And by “dyeed” I really mean, dyed.
You know, The Cutting Crew sang about it. “Oh why, I just dyed in your arms tonight.” I think that song is about a guy dying his woman’s arm hair, blonde so people don’t keep mistaking her for the Missing Link. Just a theory.
You know, I figured you had a lot on your plate and I didn’t want to burden you with the whole “economy” thing. I usually don’t point fingers but….
nice picture. i think you might be joining the hot sexy bald men club sooner than you think.
I heard that the fan also is a Chinese import and may contain lead.
Pingback: The Cult of Qelqoth » Blog Archive » Millions Enthralled By MySpace Photo Upload
Pingback: » To the Lighthouse Excellent Award New England Lighthouse Treasures
You’re the dose of humor this country needs on a DAILY basis! :-D
Very very funny!!!!!!!
A good sidekick is hard to find, a good psychiatrist is even harder.
At least so I’m told.
What will you name this tapeworm? Tammy, Tommy, Terence?
Trust is crucial to the doctor patient relationship.
So is hard currency but you don’t see a lot books about that one.
In a global marketplace, all economies are tied together.
The only real difference is that in the southern hemisphere they swirl in a counter-clockwise direction as they go down the drain.
I’m surprised the disposal is still working. They seem to use it for too many issues.
Education, Inspiration, Nausi…ation. Yet another awkward motto grafted onto this humble site.
I’m afraid to ask why you buy litter by the bucket. Tigers perhaps?
You expect something back from the government? You know that they always take 83% more than they give back. There are always strings.
Maybe we could run the economy off brownies for a while, just until we get the fan back on line. They always do wonders for my circulation.
It’s clear that you haven’t had many dealings with our dear doctor. Any free samples he issues invariably come with a fifty dollar Medicinal Administration fee.
And quite often a complementary strain of influenza as well.
I always thought it was about a hairdresser and her particularly codependent mate.
I wouldn’t recommend that approach. The doctor does not respond well to threats. Or summons, or subpoenas, or just about anything.
The ability to ignore Dr T is a rare trait. Possibly natural selection.
You just might be the future of the species.
Just got over my complementary strain…thanks Doc!
Oh the irony!
Well there was that seven year blockage after the Iran-Contra affair, but thanks to a dedicated paper-shredder brigade who helped relieve pressure, the jam was able to pass naturally.
Even inanimate objects, if pressed into government service long enough, develop their own Irony Field.
The latest research reveals that with a sufficient stream of radiating irony particles, called Ironons, even logic can deflected.
The doctor says to thank you for your unbridled admiration.
He also says to inform you that even his mighty intellect would not be enough to dislodge his thick carpet of luxuriant hair from its customary position atop his head.
He had more to say but I escaped before he could continue.
Ha! I love it!
The charged particle beam Ironon uses deflection plates, like a stapler or paper clip or maybe even a government worker’s tooth filling to deflect logic at every turn.
I tried once to shoot a logic bomb in the general direction of an inanimate government employee and his low level ironon interceptors diffused it like flies to stink!!
I wonder what lightning does to it?
Thank you, I’ll increase production immediately.
Shudder…