Best of the Comma Commentary

A Bill From My Body

Good morning,

We are writing you in regards to your sudden and unexpected participation in the annual Moving of the Files festival held at your company yesterday. During this event you carried a large number of impressively heavy boxes of paperwork, up not one but two flights of stairs, and into the attic in an ill-conceived attempt to reacquaint us with the joys of physical labor. This situation was further exacerbated by a complete and utter failure to stretch or warm-up in any fashion.

We feel it necessary to remind you of the accumulated years and excessive wear you have subjected us to. And so this notice is to inform you of certain fees and penalties you can expect as a result of your thoughtless actions.

Your activities have created a level of lactic acid greatly exceeding our capacity to efficiently remove, and so you may expect 4-7 days of muscle stiffness, cramping, and associated misery.

Unfortunately, you have also exceeded the lower body’s mileage allowance for the month, resulting in a surcharge of joint pain, to be collected at the knees and hips, as well as an Insufficient Support Fee, payable in the form of long-lasting discomfort in the arches of both feet.

In blatant disregard for years of documented findings, you again failed to utilized correct lifting procedures. You repeatedly refused to lift with the legs, and by doing so, subjecting the back to workloads disproportionate to its functioning capacity. You may expect shooting pains down each leg as well as the complete inability to twist or bend the upper body for some time to come.

We recommend that for the next couple days, you cut out all non-critical activities such as walking, tai-chi, or getting out of bed.

In the future, please inform us of upcoming physical exertions using the usual forms, filled out in triplicate and submitted a full twenty-one days in advance.

We regret any discomfort your foolishness will soon cause you, and look forward to a long and wiser working relationship in the coming years.

-Your body