Adventures of the Author Best of the Comma

Interview with the Author

Final exams are over and I have successfully passed my classes. (Yeaaa!) I am trying to get back into the swing of professional humor production, so be looking for a good article on Monday.

In the meantime, I have set up a little question and answer session with my tired and somewhat surly self to discuss this whole period of agony I have just completed. If that seems a little schizophrenic to you, then you are clearly not acquainted with the usual proceedings of this site.

The Interview:

Fictional Interviewer: For the sake of any readers just tuning in, I am talking with Brent Diggs, the author of this blog. Mr. Diggs, do you mind if I ask you a few questions.

ME: Go right ahead.

FI: First of all, you are in college.

ME: Is that a question or a statement?

FI: A question.

ME: I mean, if you want to tell the story for me, that’s fine. I’ll just be over here taking a little nap.

FI: No, it’s definitely a question. One for you to answer.

ME: So should I answer it?

FI: Please!

ME: Yes, I am in college.

FI: And your wife is also in college?

ME: Yes again.

FI: So you’re both in college?

ME: Your firm grasp of the obvious is spellbinding.

FI: And you both work full time?

ME: That‘s correct.

FI: And the two of you are raising three kids?

ME: Is this what investigative reporting looks like? I thought it would be taller.

FI: Answer the question, please.

ME: Yes, three kids I have. (Extra points for using Yoda-speak.)

FI: And you publish two different blogs?

ME: Yes.

FI: Why?

ME: What?

FI: Why would you do that to yourself? Work. School. Writing. Are you masochistic or just plain stupid?

ME: Have you ever been shot during an interview? Because if this is an example of your finest work, you might consider wearing Kevlar underwear.

FI: I wouldn’t have to ask all these questions if you would tell us more about your life and family in your blogs.

ME: I just never set out to write a “blog,” I really just wanted a place to publish my stories and articles and give me a reason to write more of them. I figure the whole Write About my Daily Life thing is pretty much covered.

FI: But you have no problem talking about your life to an imaginary character?

ME: You would do well to keep in mind that imaginary characters can come to very unpleasant, imaginary ends. It happens all the time. Just read Stephen King.

FI: Right! So, what did you miss most during this “season of fire” that you just emerged from?

ME: My wife.

FI: What did you miss second most?

ME: Sleep.

FI: Do you have any plans, now that you are out of class?

ME: I thought I would sleep with my wife. I seem to recall that I enjoyed that.

FI: So is there anything else we should know about? Any other creative projects that you’ve been working on? Anything involving tic-tac poisoning perhaps?

ME: Yes, we are finishing up the Danger Couch DVD, and yes, during some last minute filming over the weekend, I did ingest enough tic-tacs to freshen the breaths of an entire garlic-chugging football team for the next 3 years, along with their cheerleaders, mascot and the complete coaching staff.

FI: And how did that make you feel?

ME: Nauseous.

FI: Anything else we should know?

ME: The DVD is almost done. It is tantalizingly close. It has taken much longer than expected, but it will also be much better than expected. Children will laugh, romantics will cry and the jaded will giggle. It just might bring about world peace.

FI: Do you really think a DVD could usher in world peace?

ME: Not really, but if it does we will definitely charge more for it.

FI: Thank you for the interview, Brent. For the Imaginary News Network this is…Hey, you never gave me a name.

ME: I know. Good-bye.

Have a great weekend everyone. See you Monday.

Best of the Comma Commentary

A Bill From My Body

Good morning,

We are writing you in regards to your sudden and unexpected participation in the annual Moving of the Files festival held at your company yesterday. During this event you carried a large number of impressively heavy boxes of paperwork, up not one but two flights of stairs, and into the attic in an ill-conceived attempt to reacquaint us with the joys of physical labor. This situation was further exacerbated by a complete and utter failure to stretch or warm-up in any fashion.

We feel it necessary to remind you of the accumulated years and excessive wear you have subjected us to. And so this notice is to inform you of certain fees and penalties you can expect as a result of your thoughtless actions.

Your activities have created a level of lactic acid greatly exceeding our capacity to efficiently remove, and so you may expect 4-7 days of muscle stiffness, cramping, and associated misery.

Unfortunately, you have also exceeded the lower body’s mileage allowance for the month, resulting in a surcharge of joint pain, to be collected at the knees and hips, as well as an Insufficient Support Fee, payable in the form of long-lasting discomfort in the arches of both feet.

In blatant disregard for years of documented findings, you again failed to utilized correct lifting procedures. You repeatedly refused to lift with the legs, and by doing so, subjecting the back to workloads disproportionate to its functioning capacity. You may expect shooting pains down each leg as well as the complete inability to twist or bend the upper body for some time to come.

We recommend that for the next couple days, you cut out all non-critical activities such as walking, tai-chi, or getting out of bed.

In the future, please inform us of upcoming physical exertions using the usual forms, filled out in triplicate and submitted a full twenty-one days in advance.

We regret any discomfort your foolishness will soon cause you, and look forward to a long and wiser working relationship in the coming years.

-Your body