how to - the Ominous Comma

In todayâ€™s uncertain political climate, with the threat of terrorism coming in a wide spectrum of designer colors, it is more important than ever to be prepared for any eventuality. Thatâ€™s why top experts like myself recommend never leaving your home without the safety and security of a properly worn necktie.¹

Threat Level: Tacky

Although not widely known outside anti-terrorism-expert circles, the basic department store necktie is one of the best methods for combating terror and keeping the homeland in a most tranquil state of security.

My research, based on a careful and exhaustive review of action movies Iâ€™ve seen over the last ten years, shows that with courage, determination, and a convenient backstory of elite military training, even the most mundane looking individual can single-handedly save the world from the clutches of villainy.

So as yet another service of this surprisingly responsible publication, here is a list of ways that you can use your very own necktie to thwart the minions of terror:

As a Headband
Transitioning your neck-tie to headband position is the first step in any terror-stopping plan of action. It is the time-honored and chivalrous way to inform terrorists in the area that you donâ€™t intend to calmly sit back and be savaged by their insidious box knives and nail clippers, but are quite willing to destroy half a city in order to ensure their destruction.

As a Sling
Since ancient times, the sling has been the preferred weapon for bringing down overpowering insurgent foes. To activate the latent tactical properties of your tie, follow the following instructions:

Find a stone or other small, dense object and place it in the center of your tie while holding both ends with the other hand.
Whip your stone/tie combination in circles above your head.
Once you are dizzy and out of breath, release one end of the tie and watch your flying stone incapacitate the enemies of freedom, or possibly the windows of freedom, depending upon you level of hand-eye-wrist-elbow coordination.

This technique is an invaluable way to subdue any forces of terror you may encounter at rock gardens, driving ranges, or any other location graced with ready supply of projectiles.

As a Firebomb Fuse
Although primarily known as an insurgentâ€™s weapon, the Molotov Cocktail can prove useful for patriots as well. When fighting homeland-security threats in bars and liquor stores, insert your tie into a full bottle of high-proof alcohol, light your improvised fuse, and throw.

For best results, remove tie before activation.

As a Teardrop Absorber
In the course of your anti-terror heroics, you are bound to meet an overwhelmed and attractive member of the opposite sex, tearfully awaiting rescue by a intrepid insurgent-stopper like yourself. Use your tie to wipe away their tears and win their heart forever. With any luck, the two of you will hit it off and produce the next generation of freedom fighters.

As an Improvised Towel Fight Implement
The nightmare scenario of every counter-terror specialist is to be caught unarmed in a locker room by evil, towel-wielding insurgents. If you find yourself trapped in such a towel-fight of terror, simply remove your tie and snap away at any and all threats to the homeland.

Wetting the business end of your tie with saliva, or even the tears of your new soul-mate, will give best results and allow you to raise some serious Freedom Welts on the insurgently unwashed hides of your adversaries.

As a Hot Pad
As a good patriot, there is no telling when you may be called upon to remove Freedom Baked Potatoes from a hot oven for some important ceremonial function. Donâ€™t let our enemies get the upper hand simply because you lack hot pads for this important task; use your neck-tie to safely transfer the golden tubers of liberty to the plates of waiting dignitaries and ensure freedom for one more day.

As weâ€™ve seen, nothing stands between the threat of imminent terror and our beloved homeland except you and your wardrobe.²

So be alert, avoid suspicious establishments like Terror R US, and whatever you do, dress defensively.

—–

This post is doing due diligence at humor-blogs.com

Ladies, donâ€™t think this fine, military-grade advice applies only to men. This is the 21st century and there is nothing stopping you from acquiring and attiring your very own freedom tie. The author has gone to great pronounal difficulty to render this article both gender and pH neutral, in order to ensure that each and every patriot clearly understands his/her/hiser/heris responsibility for homeland protection. ↩
“Wardrobe,” in this instance refers to the American usage of the word, meaning, “entire collection of clothing,” not the British usage meaning, “large wooden locker-thing we have to use because we forgot to build closets.”

The only practical defense application for wardrobes of the second sort is to shove them in front of the door, or travel through them to a safer dimension populated by lions, minotaurs, and seriously agitated, PMS-ing magic-chicks. ↩

Crime is rampant, very rampant, even people who have never once used the word rampant, much less several times in the same sentence, agree that if anything was ever rampant; it is most definitely crime today. Many criminals I know have been forced to hang up their masks and guns and find work as corporate executives because the competition on the street is so fierce.

In these dark times there is a deep and desperate longing for some dim flicker of hope. That, or perhaps an enema…

In these dark times there is a deep and desperate longing for some dim flicker of hope. That, or perhaps an enema, Iâ€™m not really sure. What is clear to me though, is that the American people urgently need a written guide to surviving an attempted mugging. One that is carefully researched and well thought-out, containing expert advice and colorful illustrations.

However, I certainly did not become a writer to do something that labor intensive, so instead I cobbled together the following impressive sounding yet thoroughly untested strategies, perfect for anyone who may find themselves in a potential mugging situation.

1. Run.
This is where your wise decision to quit smoking, exercise everyday, and always wear sensible shoes really pays off. Both of you should easily escape. Everyone else had better keep reading.

2. Call for backup.
For this to work well, it helps to have a radio. And friends. For best results, make sure your friends are large, heavily armed and waiting in an van nearby.

3. Summon a ninja.
As documented in numerous studies, there is nothing like a helpful ninja to even the odds and tap the proverbial keg of butt-kickery.

4. Transform into a werewolf.
If you have any lycanthropic tendencies, now is the time to explore them.

5. Commence projectile vomiting.
Aim high. The goal is to trigger a cascade regurgitation, in which each gagging mugger will inspire a similar hurling in his associates on either side, who with any luck will motivate the ruffians near them to equally amazing feats of upchuckfulness. If done properly, this vicious cycle can continue indefinitely or until all criminal stomach contents have been expelled.

Be sure to factor in your dry cleaning bill when considering this option.

6. Insult the muggersâ€™ mothers.
This probably wonâ€™t help, but will make for a great story. If you survive.

7. Use Hypnosis.
Wave your wallet or purse rhythmically while repeating key phrases like, â€œYour weapons are very relaxedâ€ or â€œYour ears are getting hairy.â€ While under hypnosis, your muggers can be programmed to give up their lives of crime, to turn themselves in, or at the very least to stop biting their nails. It should be noted that this technique is only effective if your would-be felons have not preprogrammed themselves with anti-hypnotic hypnosis.

8. Develop multiple personalities.
Make sure they all know karate.

9. Unleash the raging fury of PMS.
This strategy works best for those with the foresight to be female.

10. Fling poop.
This technique always works well for monkeys, and at this point you really donâ€™t have anything to lose by trying. Be sure to move quickly though, because an experienced mugger will know what you are up to as soon as you reach into your skivvies.

–

Yes friends, crime is bad. It clings to our communities like a persistent shower fungus, it clogs our courts like rancid bacon grease, it turns the stomach like a bad simile. But as we have seen, with a few basic skills and a generous health plan, you too can prevail over even the most fearsome workers of iniquity and emerge victorious, with your head held high, preferably with both hands.