writing on a dare - the Ominous Comma

I don’t want to write right now.

And of all the many things I don’t want to write at this moment, I think what I most not want to write is this sentence right here.

I hate this sentence.

Everything about it.

Its length, its wording, that fact that it’s coming from my keyboard.

I despise it all.

And if there is anything on this entire planet that I hate more that that sentence up there, I think it must be this one right here.

Because the only thing worse than a despicable series of phrases, is a second one, drawing attention to the first.

In fact, it wouldn’t be too much to say that this entire article is fully loathsome from beginning to end.

So much so, I can’t believe I am still writing it.

But on I go, in a senseless display of literary self-torment.

I don’t do this merely because I am a sick and twisted individual, addicted to my own pain.

No it’s worse than that.

A127TF

I do it because I practice a very specific type of masochism, known simply as Writing, and with this particular disorder the only thing worse than to indulge in it, is not to.

Don’t feel sorry for me, I have enough self-pity for us all.

That is all.

For today.

The Fording Report:
A Herman Fording exclusive.

In a shocking, gratuitous, and hopefully award winning display of international impropriety, survivalist and blog-stalker Christopher NotSee, has confessed to assaulting the nation of Canada with former rap star M.C. Hammer.

French for “Bucket of refuse” the trebuchet has long been used to demoralize enemies…

According to reliably verbose sources, NotSee, an ex-marine and serial commenter, propelled the aging performer into Canadian airspace with the assistance of a household trebuchet.

Hammer, best known for his brief fame and visually painful costumes, is rumored to have encountered NotSee while seeking assistance re-launching his stalled career. Sources close to the artist have been unavailable for comment, trapped deep in the gravity well of the artist’s pantsware.

…And dispose of clutter

French for “Bucket of refuse” the trebuchet has long been used to demoralize enemies and dispose of clutter. Medieval propulsion specialist, Joseph Phlengham went on record saying, “This is just the sort of thing the trebuchet is made for, the real surprise is that no one thought of it sooner.”

“Another Job Well Done.”

Although in diplomatic circles the lobbing of faded rap stars is considered a rude gesture, Canada is taking it well.

“Mr. Hammer is not the problem,” said Canadian Cultural AttachÃ©, Marvin Bently, “We love him up here. His hit song Can’t Touch This has even been translated into French by the Ministry of Reproduction, so that every citizen can properly enjoy it. The uproar is strictly about his pants.”

Long the target of boycotts and sanctions, Hammer’s pants are indeed a problem, they are considered so detrimental to national self respect and diplomatic prestige that they have been deemed Trousers of Class Destruction.

Canadian officials are understandably reluctant to harbor a garment of such catastrophic potential but are uncertain how to contain the situation. “We’ve lost three weapons inspectors, four U.N. pantskeepers, and two-dozen news anchors to the slacks so far,” said Bently, “and frankly, we’re begin to worry about the trousers reaching critical mass. There is just no telling how many people could be in there.”

The Only Known Pants With Their Own Event Horizon

This has been a Herman Fording special report, presented by the Dissociated Press.

We will keep you apprised of this Pulitzer-worthy situation as it unfolds.

Don’t miss Herman Fording’s last desperate attempt at journalism:
Cetaceans Strike Back – Terror From the Deep