News Lite:
98% Less Factual Information Than Regular News
Niagara Falls– The final contingent of private security contractors reported for duty today in Niagara Falls, joining nearly 50,000 troops already deployed along the Canadian-American border. Funded by an alliance of major drug manufacturers, the troops have formed a blockade, effectively sealing off Canada from the American population. John Doughfus, a spokesmen for pharmaceutical giant JonesSmithPixelMilesCough went on record saying, “We’re not just some multi-billion dollar corporation, we are also a legal citizen of this country, and we are concerned about the security of our borders. Don’t think of this as a business move, think of it instead as a international neighborhood watch, keeping our country safe from harm.â€
Although no clarification was offered to explain what harm might threaten the security of the northern border, drug troops have so far confiscated several million dollars worth of inexpensive Canadian prescription medicines, terming them “threats to National Economic Security.†In response to questions of operational timelines and the eventual withdrawal of troops, Doughfus said, “It is far too early to talk about retreat. We are here to protect the American people and we will not leave until the threat is eliminated. To pull out now would send the wrong message to the insurgent forces of competition targeting the fragile American economy.â€
This report is brought to you by:
The Institute for Public Privacy
“Guarding widely known secrets for longer than we are at liberty to discuss.â€
–
Next story: Maslov’s Pyramid Revised
Previous Story: Driver Ordered To Attend Arrow Literacy Course