I entered the establishment off a crowded thoroughfare. The place was dark, only the occasional splash of illumination painting the stark white walls. The scent of teenage aftershave mingled freely through the sparse crowd.
Music, blunt and pulsating, saturated the air like a rhythmic fog, filling every breath, every pore, with barometric waves of insistence.
Its beat was warm and relentless as it slowly worked its way down my spine, following the tangled trajectory of my nervous system.
Imperceptibly at first, I started to twitch and then to sway in an unsettling approximation of rhythm, every moment abandoning myself further to the sound’s harsh demands.
Soon I began to embrace my inner dancer, earnestly shaking what my mother had passed on to me. That’s when I heard it, the strident sound of reality calling from some distant area code.
“Dad! What are you doing?! This is a store. You’re supposed to buy things here.”
Chastened, yet still not free of the music’s hypnotic grasp I stumbled toward the exit, pausing to check a few price tags as a cover for my retreat. I had to squint to make out the numbers in the darkness, but eventually discerned their message. Sticker shock did more than any number of offended offspring to restore me from my senses and propel me to the safety of the waiting mall.
Later, despite the urging of my immediate family, my lawyers assured me that a formal apology would not be required. Nonetheless I have decided to issue the following statement:
“Owners, manager, and employees of Hollister, Inc, have no fear. No matter what the current economic uncertainty holds for you and your overpriced garments, if times get tough be assured that you can always fall back on the nightclub trade.”
-Happy Tuesday.
——
Humor-blogs.com will be happy to take you to the mall. Alltop.com will even buy you an Orange Julius.
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Wow. Pretty film noir and art-deco-like up until the “Dad! What are you doing?” part. Nice atmospheric setup. Never been to Hollister Inc., though — aren’t they a medical supply company that provides products for those with colorectal disease?
That why I never shop on ecstasy.
Do you suppose that mortifying your offspring enough in one of these stores will dissuade them from wanting their stuff? I so need to do that at every retailer in my town.
Don’t worry about it. You’re fine until you start rocking out to the beat inside Sears.
This reminds me of one time as a teenager that a friend and I were at a club. Her mother was supposed to pick us up at an agreed time. We suddlenly bumped into her mom inside the club, dressed with a raincoat and a flashlight pointing at everyone!
“Mom, what are you doing here!”
“Well, I decided to come in an try to find you. I gues this party was kind of boring judging by all those kids sleeping on the couches, right?”.
“Whatever, let’s go!
I was right there with you Brent; your imagery is perfection.
I think they have dark stores with jammin’ music like this to put you in that “party mode” trance. You always spend waaaay more money than you should when you are out partying and having a good time!
You were lucky your kid was there to pull you back from the edge. :)
Yeah, well written.
Makes me want to write about the time I “entertained” myself on the display bed at Ikea.
My retina still burns.
I think you need to stick with the comfortable glow of the blue light special.
The music of the tight fitting garments perhaps?
I needed a good dose of Comma-therapy. Thanks!
Nice version of the original sketch in “Not the 9 o’clock News”? where Rowan Atkinson wanders into a building with Black Sabbaths “Paranoid” blasting out. He is swinging his hips and looking around the dark swirly lit room when he is approached by a young woman. He nods at her and shouts, “I’d like to buy a pair of jeans please!”
Oh my GAAAAAWD!!! I laughed OUT LOUD over this one. Your dry humor is a RIOT! I loved your line:
“…I began to embrace my inner dancer, earnestly shaking what my mother had passed on to me.”
That has to be one of the BEST lines I’ve EVER heard. It is loaded with innuendoes. Aaah, you are something else that’s for sure.
EXCELLENT! EXCELLENT!! EXCELLENT!!
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Great post!
yeah it is! I agree with you.
Thanks for this post. I LOL’d at it.
It should be against the law to be this hilarious. Keep your spawn out of that demonic place known as Hollister at all costs!
Nice post! Thank you very much!
Thanks Jeff.
I didn’t see any colostomy bags while I was in there, but then again it was dark. Really dark.
I kept thinking, “Who shops in a place like this?”
Of course, once a got back out into the mall and started looking around, I realized the answer was, “Everyone under thirty.”
I am considering hiking my pants up to my armpits in protest.
Yeah, I always stick to Rodeo Drive.
Last time I tried to follow that light it was surrounded by a bug zapper.
Trying to explain my checkerboard “tan lines” was tricky.
Van Halen’s here?
It must be a really good sale.
That the one drawback they mention about pillowfights: contact lens contusion.
I could never figure out why the kid behind the register wouldn’t sell me any drinks. I even tipped him.
It took a while in the dark but he finally found a way back to his feet.
Your stealth is pretty good too, because I never saw you. Those ninja lessons seem to be really paying off.
Good job mom. All she needed was the water balloons and she would have my offspring retrieval system down pat.
Actually, I guess she would need the idling getaway car too.
And probably the taser.
I haven’t found anything that can come between kids and their new acquisitions, but my method ensures that they never drag me out shopping again.
Sometimes that’s all you can hope for.
I’m not so sure, Wolf.
I prefer to live my life according to the sage advice of the Miami Sound Machine:
“The Rhythm is Going to Get You”
What is the charge for those lessons? I think I need a few.
You dont take your own drinks… Always carry a hip flask.
Did you remember to bring your prescription?
As much as I love Rowan Atkinson, I haven’t seen the “Not the 9 o’clock News” stuff.
The scary thing is that this really happened.
Well, almost.
But it was really close.
Please post a picture when you decide to “hike my pants up to my armpits in protest.” However you may lose many of your faithful followers.
Would you like that autographed?
Thank you Robin, I am available for weddings, conventions, and bar mitzvahs.
Seriously though, if you enjoy the material the best way to show it is to help get the word out.
Feel free to link to me, email these posts to friends, and generally let everyone know.
It would mean a lot to me.
Thanks again.
Make sure you catch the expression on your teens faces when you take the picture.
Oh, that’s a given.
Thank you Jenny, you have a beautiful site.
Thank you D.
Actually this blog does provide more humor than legally permissible, but due to a generous kickback system, I am still in business.